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Derai

Derai’s diary, dreams, dialog and discussions (oh my)

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Posted (edited)

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I am a Deiist, I believe that there is some higher power that some call God. But every Religion is just us humans making stuff up to make sense of things that are far above our knowledge and understanding. 
 

I am a Nihilist, nothing in this world really matters in the long run. The meaning of life is that there isn’t any meaning. We just Are. And that’s enough.

I am a narcissist, I do love getting attention, and love to talk about myself. (Duh..)
 

I am Bisexual, both Men and Women ‘do it’ form me in regards to feeling sexual attraction.

I am blunt, I believe in the fact that it’s better to just say what I think. Get it out there, and go from there.

I am respectful, to a point. My philosophy is that each and every person gets the respect they earn, not the respect they demand or ask for.

I am honest, again to a point. I’m honest about most things. Because I’m far to lazy to keep a lie alive. I do lie, I cheat, I swindle and I stack the deck in my favor.

I am flawed, just like everyone else. I fuck up, I fail, I fall. But I pick myself up and learn. Or try to, because I sometimes fail to learn too.

I am human, just like everyone else. I live, I breathe, eat, sleep, shit, bleed, give and take in this madhouse of a reality we exist in.

I am Derai, a person of many labels. Many faces. Many dreams. Many words. Many ideas. Many thoughts.

I am.

Edited by Derai

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There is something beautiful about sitting somewhere and being silent.

Just existing in the moment, wondering where the time went.

Even better when you are together. 
Just sitting, silently contemplating the weather. 

It speaks of respect and trust.
When speaking isn’t a must.

Those that are comfortable in their silence around you. 
You need those, yes you do. 

For those that trust you with their silence. 
Are the often the loudest in your defense. 

Cherish the comfortable silence between friends. 
Cherish it before it ends.

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As I write these entries, I realize they’re being read by people who are unknown to me. 

Recently though there have been instances where people recognized my name, and commented on it. 
Telling me they read these, and my other comments, conversations and conflicts on this forum. 
 

I have to shamelessly admit that I love this feeling. 
My inner narcissist trembles with pure unadulterated joy at being recognized.

I love the attention, and am open about it. 
People read my ramblings, reasoning and randomness. And rejoice about it. 

Here’s to you guys, girls and other gentle beings. 
You are welcome to read these, and I’m glad to provide distractions from the dreary drama that is our days now. 
I thank you all for reading and hope you remember, it will get better. 
Might get worse before, but it will get better. 
You will find a way, just like I did. 
Just like others that read this, you all will find ways somehow to get through your lives, meeting challenges big and small. 
 

You got this!

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I am Dutch. 
Born from a Dutch mother and a German father. 
Both my bloodlines bring with them a load of dark history. 
My mother’s maiden name is the same as one of the main crime lords the Netherlands ever had. 
My father’s father proudly served in the German Wehrmacht till he got home after the war and found that his hometown was behind the Iron Curtain. 

I was also raised to be a racist, and I remember telling jokes about Minorities. 
 

By the logic of some. 
I still am a Communist Bigoted Racist that should be ashamed to be alive. 
 

But I am not my bloodlines. 
I am me. 
And I am proud to be Me. 
 

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3 hours ago, Derai said:

I am Dutch. 
Born from a Dutch mother and a German father. 
Both my bloodlines bring with them a load of dark history. 
My mother’s maiden name is the same as one of the main crime lords the Netherlands ever had. 
My father’s father proudly served in the German Wehrmacht till he got home after the war and found that his hometown was behind the Iron Curtain. 

I was also raised to be a racist, and I remember telling jokes about Minorities. 
 

By the logic of some. 
I still am a Communist Bigoted Racist that should be ashamed to be alive. 
 

But I am not my bloodlines. 
I am me. 
And I am proud to be Me. 
 

The past does not own any one of us.  We are the now,  and with each step a new history that WE get to own.  Dee, you deserve to be proud of the history you are making.

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One of my biggest fascinations is the concept of ‘Alternate History’

Stories where Historical events have an different outcome and then lead to a snowball effect of other changes.

The same concept can be thought about in our personal lives.

And if you think about it sometimes the smallest things can have huge impacts. 
Let me give an example.

A person has an important meeting. To wake up some, they decide to stop for coffee on the way to the meeting. The barista is slow though and due to the long wait they’re stuck in traffic a few miles along the road. They’re late to the meeting.

A person has an important meeting. To wake up some, they decide to just roll down their windows and get some fresh air. In their rear view mirror they see a minor fenderbender happen at a busy intersection. They make good time to the meeting though and escape the gridlock the accident causes. Their meeting goes well.

The simple choice to stop for coffee, influences more then they will ever realize. 
 

The so called ‘For want of a nail’ or the ‘horseshoe nail’ effect.

paraphrased:

For want of a nail the shoe was lost. 
For want of the shoe the horse was lost. 
For want of the horse the message was lost. 
For want of the message the battle was lost. 
For want of the battle the nation was lost. 
All for want of a single horseshoe nail. 


Every choice we make is important, every little thing that happens to us matters. 
Life is an intricate web of ‘what if’s’ and ‘what could have been’

But to get stuck on these is pointless. 
Life’s a river, all we can do is go with the flow. 
We can steer ourselves a bit, but every little change leads to unexpected results. 
Little unseen currents and whirlpools upset or aid our travels.

It’s fun to speculate about what little things in your life could have changed. 
If we had done this or that differently?

We will probably never know, and that is what makes life so interesting. 
To quote a movie. 
“Life’s like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are gonna get.”

Sweet huh?

Just a rambling thought. 
Take care and thanks for reading!

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Little addendum to the previous post. 
Some will call what I described the ‘Butterfly effect’

The name coming from a saying, and concept from Chaos Theory. 
A butterfly in Central Park flaps it wings, and causes a Hurricane in China. 
 

The concept being that an infinitesimal little change can lead to a series of events that can be orders of magnitude larger then expected.

In this case the butterfly moving an almost imperceptible amount of air with its wings, which moves more air, which moves more and more till eventually you end up with a hurricane.

Again, the lesson learned here is that the smallest things. Matter. 
Even if they don’t feel significant, they might be the catalyst to greater things. 
You never know. 

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Posted (edited)

I see someone either deleted their comments or Got deleted. 
 
It reminds me of something that I can imagine people dislike about me. 
I will do most of my arguing in Public. 

People in the Dangerous Divas Discord, the United Independent & Friends Discord, and before I left them, the Safe Haven, ModZ Community United, and Wulfpack Discords. 
Not to mention people on this forum have seen me be vocal and outspoken about things I feel strongly about.  

I know I’ve started and prolonged Drama and Arguments in public channels. 
It’s my belief that anything worth talking about, anything that impacts more people then just the ones doing the arguing, Should be done in Public. Out in the Open.

In my eyes it keeps those in the argument Honest. 
If your arguments are fact checked and read by All. It means you’re kept from lying (to much)

It also reveals Who you are. 
And that’s where the appeal is. 
Often I don’t really care about what the other party believes. That’s their business. 
I know I can never sway a true believer. 
But I can pull away the curtains. 
Shed light on what they’re Really saying. 
What they Really are like. 
 

That, is worth arguing about. 
 

Anyhow, just a thought. Thanks for reading. 

Edited by Derai

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2 minutes ago, Derai said:

I see someone either deleted their comments or Got deleted. 
 
It reminds me of something that I can imagine people dislike about me. 
I will do most of my arguing in Public. 

People in the Dangerous Divas Discord, the United Independent & Friends Discord, and before I left them, the Safe Haven, ModZ Community United, and Wulfpack Discords. 
Not to mention people on this forum have seen me be vocal and outspoken about things I feel strongly about.  

I know I’ve started and prolonged Drama and Arguments in public channels. 
It’s my belief that anything worth talking about, anything that impacts more people then just the ones doing the arguing, Should be done in Public. Out in the Open.

It’s in my eyes it keeps those in the argument Honest. 
If your arguments are fact checked and read by All. It means you’re kept from lying (to much)

It also reveals Who you are. 
And that’s where the appeal is. 
Often I don’t really care about what the other party believes. That’s their business. 
I know I can never sway a true believer. 
But I can pull away the curtains. 
Shed light on what they’re Really saying. 
What they Really are like. 
 

That, is worth arguing about. 
 

Anyhow, just a thought. Thanks for reading. 

Saw that in my diary too.  I wanted to debate, and present my arguments.  That is hard to do when the other side disappears.  If you want to put your opinions and beliefs out there, do it.  But it should stay, forever.  As a reminder where you stood, and I stood.

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On 7/3/2020 at 5:09 PM, Derai said:

Figured it’s about time I made myself a spot on these forums. 
Y’all can ask me about anything. 
 

First off a little about me I reckon. 
 

Name’s Derai. Often called ‘Dee’, ‘D’ or ‘Hey you’

In the game I’m a part time ‘DJ’ in the Radio DJ style. Don’t mix or pretend to mix my tunes. 
I pick the songs and let my software do the heavy lifting. 
 

Socially I’m... Hard to get close to in some ways. 
Been called Intimidating and a Blunt Narcissistic Bitch a lot. 
And they ain’t wrong. 
I love being in the middle of things, and tend to poke my nosy ass into situations I shouldn’t be in. 
 

On the sexual side I’m a Nudist Exhibitionist with a Primal Hunter Side. 
Been a Dom for some, tend to end up Topping a lot. But I’m a Switch in general. 
 

I tend to be very vocal in my dislikes and preferences. 
And my massive red flag is Non-Consent. 
I often get irrationally angry about mentions of Rape or anything that removes Free Will. 
Rationally I understand that it’s a kink for some to give up their consent. 
And that some have the kink to just Take whoever they want. 
But my irrational lizard brain just wants to rip the head of any Rapist and stuff their own entrails down their throats. They really, REALLY enrage me. 
 

Anyhow. As far as a preface goes, this’ll do for now. 
Again, want to know anything? Just ask.

 

2020-07-18 19-06-43_3990.png

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20 minutes ago, SuicideGirl said:

 

2020-07-18 19-06-43_3990.png

That looks fun!

Not sure who these folks are, or who you are for that matter. 
But thanks for sharing!

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On 8/10/2020 at 7:48 AM, JackPine said:

The past does not own any one of us.  We are the now,  and with each step a new history that WE get to own.  Dee, you deserve to be proud of the history you are making.

 

On 8/11/2020 at 12:01 AM, Derai said:

One of my biggest fascinations is the concept of ‘Alternate History’

Stories where Historical events have an different outcome and then lead to a snowball effect of other changes.

The same concept can be thought about in our personal lives.

And if you think about it sometimes the smallest things can have huge impacts. 
Let me give an example.

A person has an important meeting. To wake up some, they decide to stop for coffee on the way to the meeting. The barista is slow though and due to the long wait they’re stuck in traffic a few miles along the road. They’re late to the meeting.

A person has an important meeting. To wake up some, they decide to just roll down their windows and get some fresh air. In their rear view mirror they see a minor fenderbender happen at a busy intersection. They make good time to the meeting though and escape the gridlock the accident causes. Their meeting goes well.

The simple choice to stop for coffee, influences more then they will ever realize. 
 

The so called ‘For want of a nail’ or the ‘horseshoe nail’ effect.

paraphrased:

For want of a nail the shoe was lost. 
For want of the shoe the horse was lost. 
For want of the horse the message was lost. 
For want of the message the battle was lost. 
For want of the battle the nation was lost. 
All for want of a single horseshoe nail. 


Every choice we make is important, every little thing that happens to us matters. 
Life is an intricate web of ‘what if’s’ and ‘what could have been’

But to get stuck on these is pointless. 
Life’s a river, all we can do is go with the flow. 
We can steer ourselves a bit, but every little change leads to unexpected results. 
Little unseen currents and whirlpools upset or aid our travels.

It’s fun to speculate about what little things in your life could have changed. 
If we had done this or that differently?

We will probably never know, and that is what makes life so interesting. 
To quote a movie. 
“Life’s like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are gonna get.”

Sweet huh?

Just a rambling thought. 
Take care and thanks for reading!

 

On 8/11/2020 at 12:19 AM, Derai said:

Little addendum to the previous post. 
Some will call what I described the ‘Butterfly effect’

The name coming from a saying, and concept from Chaos Theory. 
A butterfly in Central Park flaps it wings, and causes a Hurricane in China. 
 

The concept being that an infinitesimal little change can lead to a series of events that can be orders of magnitude larger then expected.

In this case the butterfly moving an almost imperceptible amount of air with its wings, which moves more air, which moves more and more till eventually you end up with a hurricane.

Again, the lesson learned here is that the smallest things. Matter. 
Even if they don’t feel significant, they might be the catalyst to greater things. 
You never know. 

I agree, here in the US they are trying to change history as it was but not making new on only changing to how we should see things from one point of view instead of what actually happened and learn from it.  They're calling for reparations for the past but forget that those of today are not those of the past, not everyone benefited from the past and so on but want us to pay for it.  I wish things were a lot different today and the chaos of this world as well.  Hopefully things will get better in the future and the great divide that's happening now won't be in the future, it's a nice thought.

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Posted (edited)
On 8/18/2020 at 6:39 PM, Mar Mohan said:

 

 

I agree, here in the US they are trying to change history as it was but not making new on only changing to how we should see things from one point of view instead of what actually happened and learn from it.  They're calling for reparations for the past but forget that those of today are not those of the past, not everyone benefited from the past and so on but want us to pay for it.  I wish things were a lot different today and the chaos of this world as well.  Hopefully things will get better in the future and the great divide that's happening now won't be in the future, it's a nice thought.

 

You don't understand how these things played out in U.S. History. Go do some research, and also reparations don't always mean some paycheck handed out from "you to them." There are very practical and useful ways of doing it, that don't involve you personally paying anything to anyone, not even taxes. As far as "learning from history" I don't need statues glorifying rapists, murderers and and/or of those who committed atrocious crimes of inhumanity to learn history. That last belief being one of the most ridiculous and absurd notion in today's society. It is not erasing history either, it is taking down statues of people who killed, sexually assaulted and traded other people like they were human cattle. Seeing those monuments should be enough to make you vomit or at least cry if you even had a fraction of decency and knowledge of the real history. Ironic.

Edited by Coldheart
of*

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On 8/14/2020 at 1:21 PM, Derai said:

That looks fun!

Not sure who these folks are, or who you are for that matter. 
But thanks for sharing!

 

I know the "girl" leaning back on the wall getting her ding dog sucked is KiraSuicide, or at least a doppleganger of her. That happens here a lot and definitely something I would not put past Crazy Dave from the UK(aka SuicideGirl, CeeCee) from doing. Maybe his parents need to ground him for a week with no computer again. Bad Dave, bad! The guy is probably him too.

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11 minutes ago, Coldheart said:

 

You don't understand how these things played out in U.S. History. Go do some research, and also reparations don't always mean some paycheck handed out from "you to them." There are very practical and useful ways of doing it, that don't involve you personally paying anything to anyone, not even taxes. As far as "learning from history" I don't need statues glorifying rapists, murderers and and/or of those who committed atrocious crimes to inhumanity to learn history. That last belief being one of the most ridiculous and absurd notion in today's society. It is not erasing history either, it is taking down statues of people who killed, sexually assaulted and traded other people like they were human cattle. Seeing those monuments should be enough to make you vomit or at least cry if you even had a fraction of decency and knowledge of the real history. Ironic.

Sweetheart, I do as I'm 45 year old, I was taught history in the classroom with actual books and also I do my research.as well, so don't try to tel me I don't understand when I most certainly do.  My family has never owned a slave, my family has never treated any other race any less because of their race, in fact they fought with them as they believed everyone should be treated equally.  I'm white and sure as fuck don't have white privilege and never will.  My family has busted their asses for everything they've earned and no we don't have a ton of money not even a lot of money but we do help everyone that needs a little any way we can. So you're basically saying it's okay that they destroy monuments of even good things like those who've been honored for giving their lives to wars like veterans of all races for Vietnam and destroy facilities where veterans of all races go to get care and help for serving this country and more.  They've literally destroyed towns, people all races who owned businesses, destroyed them, looted them, burned them to the ground, people of all races, their personal property and even some of their lives but you won't hear that all over the news and then to top it you hear it's reparations and the insurance will cover it, no insurance doesn't cover it and won't because it's not a nature disaster instead they were stolen by people.  Lincoln fought for everyone in this country and yet they were going to destroy the memorial, imagine that.  They're also trying to have the history books rewritten to what they want it to say not what actually happened.  Which even goes further into the science world and so on but what do I know other than what people are pushing for.  I don't have beliefs, sweetheart I made a statement of what is going on.  I said my wish because I do want this whole world to be better than it is right now.  I do know real history and that's why I said that, tearing them down isn't going to change anything, imagine that, it won't make history go away, it's not going to change the future if you're living in the past.

Since you don't know my history, here's a little bit, at 6-7 years old my then stepfather beat the living fuck out of my two older brothers along with me and my sister putting my brothers in the hospital, while there he proceeded to clear out every penny out of the bank accounts and disappeared.  While in the hospital our house was taken by the company he took a loan out with as the house was paid for in my mother's name due to my father's murder with the insurance payout, he since married to my mother was able to put that up as collateral.  We came home to find everything we owned by the street in the middle of winter where everything was destroyed because it snowed and the street was plowed.  My mother went to get help as we were now homeless and only had the car, she was told to sell her car, her only way to get around to find a job so they refused to help her.  We ended up in sleeping in the car when a reporter took a picture, talked to my mother with a promise to not publish it but rather get her some help but instead posted it in the newspaper anyway and us kids ended up in foster care but eventually getting back to our mother.  She raised us to bust our asses to earn what we want in life as nothing is free or will be given to you and the only way to get it is to earn it.

You do realize that what happened here, still happens in other countries to this day.  Are those people fighting here going to go and fight in those countries as well to help those people, no because it won't benefit them.  Do I let the 3 assholes that raped me that I knew since I was a kid, control me and keep me down, fuck no, I own that and I've moved on with my life.  I'm not going to let it hold me down as I'm going to continue to bust my ass well into the future and stand right next to people who are doing the same but doing it the right way.

I'm not going to go round and round either as this is Derai's diary and will give the respect of it and won't bother to reply further on the matter but if you wish to discuss it further,  you can click on the message button and pop me a message.

Derai, nice written bits by the way.

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Posted (edited)

I don’t have to read through all of this and I didn’t. Your family, if white, and the majority of white families in the USA did and still do benefit from slavery. Through the decades after “emancipation” many policies, laws were established to keep minorities (mostly blacks) segregated from whites. This included actual real laws that made it illegal to sell homes in many areas populated by whites, or for banks to give loans to people of color as well. It also included moving many businesses, corporations and manufacturing out of big cities (ie Detroit, Chicago, New York City) and instead into mostly rural and suburban areas. This caused both a disparity in both income and wealth between whites and blacks. This was legal in our country until the abolishment of Jim Crow laws in the late 1960’s. Unfortunately the damage had already been done and still to this day have not been repaired. Hence the term reparations. Today, right now because of the inability to establish equity and loans because of these policies the average wealth or value of a black person is only 10% of a white person. Yes 10%. Not a typo. And their incomes only 60% that of a white person. If you were not void of the real facts and knowledge you would realize you have and still do benefit from slavery. To be fair you may not know any of these things because one: you may be too indifferent and and comforted in your false beliefs to find the truth and two: this history is never discussed or taught to the majority of whites in our country. One might even make the argument these facts and truths have conveniently been “erased” from our history, to paint a different reality of what happened in our nation’s past and blur and dilute what is still happening today, all stemming from slavery. Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?

Edited by Coldheart

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5 hours ago, Coldheart said:

I know the "girl" leaning back on the wall getting her ding dog sucked is KiraSuicide, or at least a doppleganger of her. That happens here a lot and definitely something I would not put past Crazy Dave from the UK(aka SuicideGirl, CeeCee) from doing. Maybe his parents need to ground him for a week with no computer again. Bad Dave, bad! The guy is probably him too.

Can you prove your words with anything? Or blah-blah-blah again?

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