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Derai

Derai’s diary, dreams, dialog and discussions (oh my)

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A dark day dawns after delicate detailed dreams of despair and destitution. 
Determination drives desire for a direction. 
A directive or destination away from the destiny of disillusionment and discord that threatens to drown me. 
I don’t divert though, my dear. Dying is no longer part of the deal. Depression shall not dye my days in darkness. Not as long as I still draw divine breath. 
I am due to do what needs to be done. 
For I am Derai. And a new day dawns. 

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Another Monday, I moan. 
Another week, I whine. 
Another chance, I cheer. 
 

Fresh start, fabulous opportunities and first and foremost. Another milestone. 
I’m still here. 
 

“What drives you?” They ask. 
“Why do you go on?” They wonder. 
“Why not just check out?” They offer. 
 

“Spite.” I say. 
“To annoy the hell out of those that wish me gone.” I dare. 
“If you want me gone, remove me yourself you coward.” I challenge. 
 

I am here. 
I am alive. 
I am. 

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Posted (edited)

Life is like a pendulum between happiness and apathy. 
Things can arrest the swing of it to keep it to either side for a while. 

But it always slips. Fate like gravity is inescapable. 
At some point this pendulum will stop. For nothing is forever. 


Until then the swings between the two extremes feed each other. 
The further into one, the bigger the impact of the return swing. 
But there’s always that return. 


Nothing lasts forever, not the good, and not the bad. 
The pendulum keeps swinging. 


Life goes on. 
The bad follows the good follows the bad follows the good. 


This cycle is not eternal, even though it might feel like it at times. 


Maybe, maybe life’s not a pendulum. But a metronome ticking out the beat to this dance that we call life. 


The steps to this dance are complex and difficult and different for everyone so stepping on toes is inevitable. 


But we’re all in this dance together. Even when alone, we hear snippets of the others music. Sometimes the beats line up for a while. Sometimes not for long, or very harmonious.

But it is what it is. 


Even in the discordant tones of clashing music, beauty can be found. 
Like the clashing of air can lead to thunderous beauty and fertile ground for new growth and ideas. 


These ideas might also wither and die.  Burdened under the weight of apathy. 
But this is just part of the cycle. 


Life goes on.

The metronome keeps clicking. The pendulum swinging. And we can only dance to the tune.

Edited by Derai

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Posted (edited)

Bored at work so might as well type out the tale of how I came across the game and the community that comes with it. 
 

The story begins with me getting my first PlayStation. The original one. 
I had been ‘gaming’ before that. Hell my first ‘console’ was an old 8bit Nintendo. 
Super Nintendo after that. But then the era of the PlayStation. 
And with it, my first experience with the setting of Warcraft. 
 

The setting intrigued me and I played the RTS games till the disks broke. 
Transferring my gaming experience to desktops and dipping my toes into the World Wide Web. 
 

And then, World of Warcraft. The icon. 
My first MMO, and while I had been Roleplaying on some forums before that. WoW was my first foray into ‘real time’ Role Play. 
And yes, it was where I discovered the thrill of Erotic Roleplaying. 
 

Forum RP was cool and all, but doing it real time gave the added thrill that on the other side of that avatar, was someone touching themselves. 
Getting off because of my words, my imagination. In real time. 
 

I was hooked. 
 

This thrill migrated with me from game to game. 
World of Warcraft lost me to Star Trek Online, and then my journey brought me to Champions Online. 
 

While there, my free spirit started to chafe. 
More and more I ran into the ‘taboo’ of my sexual nature and freedom of it all. Not vibing well with some people. 
 

The friction led to drama, drama led to accusations, and to a public declaration of someone I called a close friend. 
Them declaring me a Pedophile Enabler and worse. Just due to some Roleplaying. 
(They found out I had had a Sexual RP session with someone who roleplayed a 16yo character. While mine was 20yo. Note: both of these would have been above the age of consent in my nation)

Anyhow, after that public shaming my experience was soured and during that time a random friend told me about this ‘game’ called 3DXchat. 
 

And when I expressed an interest, they actually bought me my first month gift card. 
 

This was way back in 2017, and well. 
I’m still here. 
In 3DX my sexual freedom is a boon, not a curse. 
And while the Role Playing has gone, it’s replaced with something better. 
Me being Me, but as I WANT to be. 
Looking the way I wished I looked. 
Finding thrills and being able to spread enjoyment to people. 

People sometimes scoff, at those who they claim have no life. 
Well for me. 3DX isn’t my life. 
But it is part of it. 
 

Will it last forever? Probably not. 
But as long as I am here. I’m gonna enjoy myself and spread joy as best I can. 

Edited by Derai

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6 hours ago, Derai said:


In 3DX my sexual freedom is a boon, not a curse. 

Me being Me, but as I WANT to be. 
Looking the way I wished I looked. 
Finding thrills and being able to spread enjoyment to people. 

Well for me. 3DX isn’t my life. 
But it is part of it. 
 

Will it last forever? Probably not. 
But as long as I am here. I’m gonna enjoy myself and spread joy as best I can. 

Although your story, Derai, it is shared.  And the more that approach 3DX this way, the more wonderful world it will be!

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Story time again, kinda. 
Or more to the point, let’s talk about sex. 
 

That got your attention methinks. 
In my 3 years in this game, I had a lot of sexual encounters and experiences. 
Some good, some bad, and some that are plainly hilarious. 
 

A few notable ones are what I’ll write down here today. 
 

First off, my first ‘random’ threesome. 
Me and the friend(s) that got me into the game had been having sex in 3DX a few times already but one night while roaming around the beach. 
Me and my friend got PM’d by this dude. 
He chatted us up and we ended up having a threesome first on the beach, then back at his place. 
 

It was during this escapade that I truly realized how different 3DX sex was to what I was used to. 
I no longer needed 3 paragraphs to describe my avatars look or her pose. The animation showed it. 
And I noticed that He didn’t do much describing anyhow so, my take away from this fun little tryst was that I could take it easy. 
 

Basically the level of description I would have scoffed at as being lazy as fuck before. Was considered Good here. That was an eye opening experience. 
 

 


Another memorable one is the following. 
The time that I kinda offended a dude by bluntly asking him if he was almost done. 
 

Basically this dude was awesome at foreplay. 
And during sex he was also inventive, but then he describes himself ‘being so close, almost gonna cum!’

So I’m like yay! I love a guy to cum in me so fuck yeah. Give it to me. 
Five pose changes and 20 minutes later my mood was completely done for. So I literally asked him what the fuck he was doing because I’m literally getting a bit bored with it now. 

Big mistake it seems, dude got a bit upset. 
Told me nobody had complained before...

Well, I told him ‘I’m not those other people, and I just got bored.’ Specifically because of him saying he’s close to cumming. I found it hard to believe that a guy that says he’s about to cum, could postpone it for 20 minutes while (in his words) pounding my pussy like crazy. 

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More anecdotes. 
 

One time I got chatted up by a nice chick in a club. 
She openly stated being Futa but that don’t bother me. She had a nice way of talking me into the mood and we ended up going to her place. 
It was there that this person showed a bit of a let’s say, Odd grasp of human anatomy.

Namely the odd fact that she somehow figured it was possible for her to slip her dick into me, ‘to the hilt’ 
While standing upright, slow dancing, and without me even so much as moving my legs... 

Or as a friend that I told this to put it. “Pussy-Seeking TentaDick”

But! 
That wasn’t even the strangest part! 
It gets better. 
 

The scene progressed to her bed and I’m being nicely fucked missionary style when the next strange thing happens. 
This girl suddenly emotes raising my hips slightly while spreading my legs even further. 
And then proceeds to describe pushing her Balls into my ass... To fuck both my holes at the same time...

At this point in the story most of my friends that have testicles start cringing the fuck out. 
Because No way in hell is this possible or even comfortable. 
It was at that point that I nearly fell off my chair laughing IRL. 
 

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Posted (edited)

Another one.

Some dude while fucking me: ‘rams my massive cock through your cervix to fuck your womb’

Me while regretting hooking up with said dude: ‘suffers massive internal bleeding from having her cervix shattered and her womb impaled then dies’ (logs off to get a snack)

Found out later the dude had iggied me for it. Hehe. 

Edited by Derai

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21 minutes ago, Derai said:

More anecdotes. 
 

One time I got chatted up by a nice chick in a club. 
She openly stated being Futa but that don’t bother me. She had a nice way of talking me into the mood and we ended up going to her place. 
It was there that this person showed a bit of a let’s say, Odd grasp of human anatomy.

Namely the odd fact that she somehow figured it was possible for her to slip her dick into me, ‘to the hilt’ 
While standing upright, slow dancing, and without me even so much as moving my legs... 

Or as a friend that I told this to put it. “Pussy-Seeking TentaDick”

But! 
That wasn’t even the strangest part! 
It gets better. 
 

The scene progressed to her bed and I’m being nicely fucked missionary style when the next strange thing happens. 
This girl suddenly emotes raising my hips slightly while spreading my legs even further. 
And then proceeds to describe pushing her Balls into my ass... To fuck both my holes at the same time...

At this point in the story most of my friends that have testicles start cringing the fuck out. 
Because No way in hell is this possible or even comfortable. 
It was at that point that I nearly fell off my chair laughing IRL. 
 

Mabe she has steel balls - were they swinging in your butt (like some love balls)? :D:D :D

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29 minutes ago, chloe said:

Mabe she has steel balls - were they swinging in your butt (like some love balls)? :D:D :D

Lol no. I distinctly remember her writing that she was stuffing her ballsack into my butt. And then fucking me with it. 
It made no sense at all. 
 

But I come across failures of biology and anatomy like that soooo very often. 
 

The cervix thing is most common though. 
A lot of people think that the dick can actually pass -through- the Cervix into the womb. 
I think this is because of how the vaginal canal is structured. 
It can feel like you touch the Cervix and them move beyond it. 
But what actually happens is that in some people the Cervix tilts slightly and there is a bit of ‘extra’ room beneath it, by tilting the Cervix moves slightly out of the way of the dick’s (or whatever is penetrating) way. Making it Appear as if the vagina just got a bit ‘deeper’ which I believe makes folks think they’re fucking the womb now. 
 

At least that’s how I got it explained to me at school. 

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1 hour ago, Derai said:

Lol no. I distinctly remember her writing that she was stuffing her ballsack into my butt. And then fucking me with it. 
It made no sense at all. 
 

But I come across failures of biology and anatomy like that soooo very often. 
 

The cervix thing is most common though. 
A lot of people think that the dick can actually pass -through- the Cervix into the womb. 
I think this is because of how the vaginal canal is structured. 
It can feel like you touch the Cervix and them move beyond it. 
But what actually happens is that in some people the Cervix tilts slightly and there is a bit of ‘extra’ room beneath it, by tilting the Cervix moves slightly out of the way of the dick’s (or whatever is penetrating) way. Making it Appear as if the vagina just got a bit ‘deeper’ which I believe makes folks think they’re fucking the womb now. 
 

At least that’s how I got it explained to me at school. 

This is because some people see too many Hentai flicks. There are also no tentacle monsters that penetrate young innocent, large-chested schoolgirls and give them one orgasm after another. So sorry for this.

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Posted (edited)

Am I dangerous?

Yes, yes I am.

Anything that is said to me, around me, or anywhere that I can see it. Will be remembered, and used if needed. 
 

I love to gossip, I gather information about those that interest me. Positively or negatively. 
Because I want to Know. 
I crave information. 
And I was raised in a household where anything you said Would be used against you. 
So I know how to say things without saying anything. 
To say nothing with a books worth of words.

 
The pen is mightier then the sword. 
But even mightier still is the mind that directs both. 
 

Am I dangerous?

Yes. I truly am. 
 

Am I a troll?

Yes, one could call me that.

But one should also consider this. 
When a dog growls at you, and takes notice. 
You might have stepped on its tail, or come to close to those it protects. 
 

Am I dangerous?

Yes. Yes I am. 
 

Any dog is dangerous to those that provoke it. 
But that doesn’t mean the dog is evil. 
It’s just a dog being a dog.

Am I dangerous?

Yes, I am.

Because, I am me. 

Edited by Derai

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At first I was afraid, I was afraid
Down in the darkness I was crawling through the human race
I heard the voices through the dark
(Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh)
So I beat my fist against my chest, against my heart
 
Hey-ho!
Hear the sound
We are the underground
Hey-ho!
Rising up
We're not afraid of fighting
 
I've finally found my place
I put the war paint on my face
And I'm ready to give (Hey!)
Whatever it takes
Standing at the edge of the fire
Fighting for the will to survive
I feel it burning under my skin
And I'm back on my feet again
 
This is the feeling
I can't believe it
My heart is bleeding out
Now I'm dangerous
 
Feeding the fire
Higher and higher
Rising up, rising up
Now I'm dangerous
 
Silence the voices in my head
I picked my poison now, I'll drink it to the bitter end
Hey-ho! Hear me now!
I take on the darkness by myself
'Cause I'm ready to give (Hey!)
Whatever it takes
 
Standing at the edge of the fire
I don't know how I ever survived
I feel it burning under my skin
And now I'm back on my feet again
 
This is the feeling
I can't believe it
My heart is bleeding out
Now I'm dangerous
 
Feeding the fire
Higher and higher
Rising up, rising up
Now I'm dangerous
 
This is the feeling
I can't believe it
My heart is bleeding out
Now I'm dangerous
 
Feeding the fire
Higher and higher
Rising up, rising up
Now I'm dangerous
 
I'm dangerous!
 
Rising up, rising up
Now I'm dangerous
Source: Musixmatch

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Lyrics
Take my love, take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care cause I'm still free
You can't take the sky from me
Take me out, to the black
Tell 'em I ain't coming back
Burn the land and boil the sea
You can't take the sky from me
There's no place I can be
Since I found serenity
You can't take the sky from me
Take my love, take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care, I'm still free
You can't take the sky from me
Take me out, to the black
Tell 'em I ain't coming back
Burn the land and boil the sea
You can't take the sky from me
There's no place I can be
Since I found serenity
You can't take the sky from me
Source: Musixmatch

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The only easy day was Yesterday. 
It is true, in a way. 
Yesterday for me, was a good day. 
What today will bring, I cannot say. 
 

Poems and cheap rhymes aside. 
Yesterday truly was good. 
My muse paid me a visit again. 
And I spent some time with someone I had taken for granted. 
Not to say yesterday was all good though. 
But the scales leaned that way. 

Sometimes. 
That’s enough. 

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1 hour ago, Derai said:

FA73B0D0-5883-4585-BFB9-D4D9954BA72F.jpeg

I am licking my code right now.  Not sure it is working, but it tastes like... chicken. 🤪

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One of the most famous quotes in the world comes from Machiavelli’s The Prince. 
It is far more secure to be feared instead of loved. If one cannot achieve both.” 
 

The same book also states this: 

Everyone sees what you appear to be, few experience what you truly are.

These are nominally about politics, and the ‘bad’ side of politics at that. 
But like with many things, the clue is in the interpretation. 
 

Another book I’m often returning to, is Sun Tzu’s Art of War. 
The three paradigms of victory are applicable to so much in life, it’s basically a religious belief for me. 
 

Know your surroundings, where you are and how you can use the surroundings to achieve your goals. 
 

Know your adversary, what are their goals, their strengths and weaknesses. How can you use their goals and traits to achieve your goal.

But above all else!

Know yourself. Know your own strengths, weaknesses and how they relate to your surroundings and your adversary. 

If you keep these three laws in mind, you will not fear any conflict or any challenge.

It has worked out for me thus far. 
 

I know what it means to be just another bit of text on someone’s screen. I’m aware of my surroundings Online. 
For it is trivial to appear like something I am not. 
I can appear as anything I wish. 
 

I know what people reading my words might think. 
How easy it is to come to the conclusion that what I appear to be, is a lie. 
And they are not wrong to think this, it would be trivial for me to deceive and to lie. 
But in the end, it can never last. 
A lie will grow and grow, and at some point something breaks. 
 

This brings me back to knowing myself. 
I’m aware of how I appear and how people might think. By knowing how I myself would think if I was to ‘meet’ myself. 
I know what threads to poke at, to pull at to make the web of lies unravel. 
 

In knowing these things, I make the choice to pick fear over love in those that I know I can never trust. 
Those that I keep outside of my walls, I give reasons to fear me. 
Some are allowed past my outer shell, and given enough to love me, but also fear what I might do, or be beyond the next wall. 
 

The best people though, are the ones you don’t need to welcome in, for those simply are secure enough in who They are. Secure enough that they do no longer crave the need to be within someone else’s walls. They stay within theirs and respect mine. While ideas and love are exchanged and create a current of knowledge and respect that makes both flourish. 
 

My philosophy is so very simple. For life is complex enough. 
I know where I am, I know who I meet and how I might appear to those. I know myself and how I fit into this world.

Some will fear me, some will love me. 
But above all else. 
I will just be Me. 

It’s hard enough to be true to oneself in the troubled reality we exist in. 
I choose this path. 
Is it the right one?

Who knows?

Eat, Drink, be Merry. For tomorrow we Die!

 

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