Things you don't want to hear during sex

[Caren]

So my friends and I were bantering and riffing the other day on the topic "Things you don't want to hear during sex." This was the result. Warning: some of them are flat out gross.

Let me know which is your favorite, and add your own in the thread! ❤

[Lynnibree]

This is amazing, C.

Thanks for making it!

[Nektar]

Thanks! There're some really life-scarring lines in there

[Nektar]

Him after cumming: "Mmm the ants really are in the sugar now..."

"Why are some women attracted to serial killers? Not that I'm complaining, it's worked wonders for me!"

[JackPine]

As your kisses and licks travel slowly down her body, your tongue pausing, rimming her navel while your body and hands spread her legs.

She moans in delight as your face slides ever lower, your tongue leaving a glistening trail as it snakes ever closer to its prize.  Her hands tangled in your hair as she gasps, "Ooooo, goddd yesss, I hope you love cheese!"

 

[Derai]

The four deadly words for those that have a dick:

”Are you in yet?”

[Nektar]

"Lube? Sure, I keep a bottle next to my super glue bottle!"

[HazyRays]

"Brace yourself.....  things are about to get weird"

[Derai]

“Is that supposed to be there...?”

”My uncle showed me this trick...”

”Honey I’m Hoooooome!”

[HazyRays]

"Can you hurry up, the footballs starting on the tele in a minute"

[Pryss]

As you do a sexy dance in front of her and you turn around with your middle exposed, you freeze at the expression of sadness and tears brimming her eyes as she says "What happened to you?? Is it benign?!?" 

[Derai]

“I had chili for dinner, here’s hoping I keep it in~”

[chloe]

„I am done, now it’s your turn!“

[JackPine]

"When the clinic called and said my tests were positive,  that's a good thing, right?"

Edited August 6, 2020 by JackPine
Spell Checker

[Derai]

A door opening when you and your lover are the only ones in the house. 
 

And:

“Oh by the way, don’t mind the spiders~”

[HazyRays]

The sound of your partner snoring.........

[Derai]

The sound of running dogs and furniture being knocked over. 
 

(actually happened to me, dogs wrecked half the living room while freaking out about something)

[Pryss]

37 minutes ago, MikeyDee said:

You open your eyes from the bliss of ecstasy and see a wildlife documentary film crew and Sir David Attenborough.

“So as we can see, the male has successfully copulated with the female and the mating ritual... is a success” 

Oh if you think dogs kicking off can put off off your stride? Try being stared at by a perplexed cat  “Da fuck you doing bruh?” 

Why does your cat have my accent?

[Derai]

“Who the fuck is (name you just moaned)?”

Edited August 7, 2020 by Derai

[Derai]

“Ma’am! This is a public bus! You can’t do that here!”

[Derai]

“My ex always loved this though...”

[Derai]

"Wait, wait! I think I'm stuck! Don't move!!! Oh god! Nooo!"

[Derai]

The crunch of car tires against the pavement after you accidentally kicked the handbrake while cumming...

[Leopardus]

"Now I've got going, I think your mother was tighter".

 

Edited August 12, 2020 by Leopardus

[Leopardus]

"Will you be able to cum soon?  It's just that I have to get up early tomorrow for an appointment at the STD clinic I've been waiting ages for".