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guy sends a sms to his boss

-i am really sick today. dont think i am able to work.

 

boss sends a sms back

-when i am sick i kiss my wife and it helps, try it

 

guy sends a sms to his boss 2 hours later

-yes you were right your wife is really sweet, i feel good now

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A man and his wife decide for their 30th anniversary that they will treat themselves to a spa day. THey spend the entire day doing mud baths, hot rock massages and everything else the spa has to offer. The spa has an experience center and they decide to stay the night, have a lovely dinner and get a honeymoon suit for the night.

They enter the room and the wife tells her husband to lay on the bed while she "gets ready". She goes into the bathroom and the husband makes himself comfortable.

She comes out wearing only a silk robe. She stands and looks at her husband lovingly and says. "my darling what did you think of me when you first met me"

He thinks for a moment and says "I thought you were hot, I wanted to suck you dry and screw you broken"

She drops her robes and says "What do you think now my love"

He replies "I think I did a damn good job!"

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Belinda, a 65 year old woman, had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

 

Whilst on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

 

God said, "No Belinda, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

 

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

 

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

 

She was released from the hospital and whilst crossing the street, she was killed by an ambulance.

 

Arriving in front of God, she complained, "I thought you said that I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"

 

God replied - " Belinda!!, is that you? I didn't recognize you!"

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  • 2 months later...

A young man want to marry his girlfriend and want ask it officially to her father ? So he comes to her father's home and ask :

 

Young guy : Hello mister , if it please to you , i would like to obtain your daughter's vagina .

The father : WHAT ?!!

Young guy : I would like to obtain your daughter's vagina please .

The father : I suppose you mean that you want my daughter's HAND !

Young guy : Uuuuh no .... If its to do that with the hand , i have mine . 

 

:lol:  :ph34r: 

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This Native Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
Say, mom,", he asked, "why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm'?"
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.", she replied.
"Why is my sister named 'Cornflower'?"
"Well," his mother answered, "your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called 'Moonchild'?" 
"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived," the mother replied.
"Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?"

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The same young guy than before walk in the street and think " oww i must remember that its our wedding birthday "

He stop to a flower shop and buy a big amount of flowers , choosing his wife's favorites . Then he return home and hold the flowers to his wife .

Husband : these flowers are for you my love , happy wedding birthday  :wub: 

Wife  : awwwww , you are so cute my love  :wub: 

 

She hold his hand and lead him to the bedroom , she undress herself and face him , spreading her legs and soft spot .

 

Wife  : This is for the flowers my love  :wub: 

Husband : Uuuuuh , dont you think a pot will be better ?  :huh: 

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

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Hello people,

 

Maybe not a joke but still very funny.

 

Something to think about!!

 

Have you ever thought about what happens when you would live backwards?

Seems a lot more fun.

 

To begin you stand up from the dead, a spectacular beginning.....when you get out of the coffin, you will be welcomed by your family and best friends,

so you don't have to find them....and they all have flowers for you. Then for the the first 20 years you can do what you want to do, playing cards,

gardening, occasionally a trip for half the price, every day a few drinks and every month you get money....retirement.

 

One day, suddenly a guy is standing on the doorstep with a gold watch. He immediatly offers you a good paid job. As the years go by,

you get more and more sense to work, you feel better and better, you can smoke as much as you want because the lungs are becoming cleaner.

You can drink whatever you want, the hangovers are getting smaller.

You get rid of your belly without having to do anything. In the beginning you have only 1 time sex a year, but as  the time passes you have sex 10 time a week.

 

At some point you have to go to school but you know everything, so you do not care. And the last years of your life you can enjoy playing in the sandbox, whining and annoying,

and you can eat lots of sweets, because you lose your teeth yet again. Then a few months sucking on a woman's breast and after 9 months in the warm womb of your mother,

you disappear into a blissful orgasm!

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A nun, a blonde, a German and a Dutchman are sitting in a train compartment. The train goes through a tunnel, it's completely dark, and suddenly there's a slap. The train comes out of the tunnel and the Dutchman is rubbing his face. The nun's thinking: "The Dutch guy probably touched the blonde girl's breast and she slapped him, and rightfully so."

 

The blonde'sthinking: "That Dutch pervert probably tried to grope me, but got the nun instead, and she slapped him."

 

The Dutchman, still in pain is thinking: "The German obviously went for that blonde chikck's tits, and she hit me instead of him. That lucky asshole."

 

The German's thinking:"In the next tunnel, I'm gonna hit that guy again."

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A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says : "Error. Not long enough."

 

 

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy : 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

 

 

A man and his wife were having sex one night in the bedroom. Their son opens the door and says "Dad, what are you doing to mom?" Then the daddy says "Making you a little sister". And then the boy replies "Hell no ! do it doggystyle I want a puppy."
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

 

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

 

There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

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A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

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what women would do if they had a penis for a day 10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

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what men would do if they had a vagina for a day 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

 

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

 

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

 

"And what do you deduce from that?"

 

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe... What does it tell you, Holmes?"

 

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

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Three mice are sitting in their local pub having a pint and arguing which one of them was the toughest.

The first mouse says:

"I am clearly the toughest I get rat poison, crush it in my paw and snort it for my breakfast"!!!

 

The second mouse flexes his muscles and says:

"Pfft that is nothing I steal the cheese from mouse traps... catch the metal bar as its coming down, bench press it 10 times and then pick up the trap and hurl it across the room in defiance"!!!

 

The third mouse gets up, downs his pint in one go and starts strolling towards the door.

"Oi where are you going? we having a debate" Say the first & second mouse in confusion.

 

The third mouse turns and looks over his shoulder... and replies with a sigh:

"Sorry I got to get home to shag the cat"

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An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:

“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

 


The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

 

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

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