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Bran

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Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner. It's smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you! Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hands suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly...I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing you hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take of my panties!
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you... ummm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking!
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit! I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover!
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know...thing...in your... you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener is all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh nooooo!
Sweetheart: Bye!!!

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bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.j_gurli3: thats it.bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.

:wacko: :wacko: :wacko:

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bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.

bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?

 

 

hehehehehehe <3

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My Sex Drive
 
I have run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it
meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find the sex
drive on mine. I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall
software, install hardware part of the control panel... then I got out all the manuals and went
through them.

I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one so I decided to go to the
computer store and see if I could buy one. I wanted to look intelligent and scholarly, so I wore my math hat.

Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking woman, I gave her the make and model of
my computer and asked her if she had any sex drives in stock. She kind of scowled at me and asked me if I was
trying to get smart with her... figuring she had been impressed with my math hat, I replied that I tried to
be smart with everyone... she said, rather rudely I thought, that she couldn't help me and walked away.
Huh, must not have had any in stock.

In the second store, I gave the salesperson the make and model of my computer and asked it they had any sex
drives in stock... He kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard drive, I thought about it for a minute
and told him Yeah, maybe that, but I think I should already have one installed... he started laughing at
me said something about me trying to kill him... You're killing me! or something like that, and walked
away. Hmmmm, must be out here too. Must be hard to keep in stock. I wasn't trying to kill him... I
wasn't even hurting him.

The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I'd just fallen off the turnip truck... I assured him I'd
never been on a turnip truck, but I'd fallen off the manure wagon a few times. He mumbled something about
that explaining it. She's fallen off the wagon, that explains it and walked away laughing.

The guy in the fourth store said something like boob under his breath and walked away... wonder why he only
noticed one? Anyway I figured they must not carry them in stores. Maybe have to order from a catalog or get
on the Internet and search for one.

So that's where I am now... If any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate my sex drive,
I would appreciate it. Then all I'd have to do is figure out what to do with it.
 
             :P
There's nothing wrong with my sex drive, it's the RAM that's missing. lol.gificon_mrgreen.gif
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So a 70 year old widow has been lonely for a long time, and finally feels comfortable with dating again.

 

Having established this in her mind, she decided to try an online dating website.  She put in her profile a specific criteria that her next to-be-husband would have to meet.

 

  • He must not beat her.
  • He must not run away.
  • He must be good in bed.

 

Weeks go by, and, predictably she received a lot of responses, but none of them seemed to fit the bill.

 

One evening, as she was beginning to lose hope, she hears her doorbell ring.  Looking through the peephole, she sees nothing.

 

"Those damn kids..." she thought.  But no, the doorbell rings yet again.  This time, she opens the door, looks left, and looks right.

 

'Down here!' she hears.

 

The widow looks down and sees a man with no arms, and no legs.  "Well, who are you?" she asks.

 

The man replies happily, 'Why, I am your dream husband!'

 

The widow looks perplexed and inquires, "How do you figure?"

 

The man gleams with pride and answers, 'Well, I have no arms, so I can't beat you up.  And I've got no legs, so I can't run away.'

 

"Yes, but are you good in bed?" scoffs the widow.

 

'Ah...'  the man replies, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'

 

 

There you have it folks!  A penis joke!

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3 friends bet each other $100 who could make their wife scream more from sex. The next day the first one said "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she screamed for at least an hour and a half!" The next said he licked his wife for 2 hours and she screamed the whole time plus a half hour after that! The 3rd one said "that's nothing. I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times, then I wiped my dick in the curtain, and she's still screaming!"

 

:wacko:

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How does a baby elephant climb down a tree ?

- It sits on a leaf and waits for automn.

 

How does an elephant hide in the woods ?

- It paints himself pink and stand still to mimic a strawberry.

 

Have you ever had elephant meat ?

- Nope

- Check your strawberry jam though, the bastards are hiding quite well.

 

(this concludes our little elephant session)

 

*goes off stage with a round of applause*

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I recently came out to my best friend and told him I was gay.
He turned his back on me... That was his first mistake.

 

 

When I was at school, this kid ran up to me in the playground and called me gay.

I smacked the little c**t round the face with my handbag.

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How many policemen do you need to break a lightbulb ?

- None. It just fell down the stairs.

 

How many men do you need to change that broken lightbulb?

- 3. One to climb on the table and hold the lightbulb. 2 to hold the table and make it turn to screw the bulb in place.

 

*hides in shame*

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  • 2 weeks later...

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired.." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

 

:unsure:  :unsure:  :wacko:  :wacko:  :blink: 

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