Teachings and Musing of a Retired Pro Dominatrix.

[ShortRed]

Looking forward to your next installment MissZee!

[MissZee]

The Wanna-Be's

Darlings.. I write in great concern over some confusions that I have ran into with some close friends and with other submissives that have contacted Me over the behavior of those that Call themselves Dominants who just do not know their backsides from a hole in the ground. 

Yes, that is harsh.  So is playing games with a person's Heart and feelings you twits!  

So let us clarify some things here.  

 

A REAL Dominant (Real life or Online) will have some specific behaviors that are noticeable... 

• A good Dom is being cool, calm and collected. They must be able to operate under pressure, and to not get flustered easily. 
• A good Dom/me will listen, care, make adjustments, discuss those with you, go back over them after a session to check on that adjustments.  
• A good Dom/me will be straightforward in their dealings.  They do this out of care, concern, and love for their charge. 
• A good Dom/me nurture you, teach you, honor you, and cherish you for your accomplishments and your struggles. 
• A good Dom/me be responsible in their dealings with you and others.  Being fair in all things, for We the Dominants, know that no one is perfect.  That is not the Goal, the Goal is to make our charges better then Us, teach them how to thrive, to excel, to reach for new heights and accomplish more than they thought they could. 

 

Now I already COVERED in FAKE Dom/Me 

https://3dxforum.com/index.php?/topic/15473-teachings-and-musing-of-a-retired-pro-dominatrix/&do=findComment&comment=450663

In specifics of how to see one, their behaviors,  

 

ABANDONMENT 

Ok sweet submissives.. So many of you wait in vain for asshats that have used you, tossed you into the land of forgetfulness and still you sit around and mope, not knowing what to do, where to go, and what options you have. 

 

Let us fix that, shall we? 

• You are still aching from being abandoned, first you need to learn to exist on your own again. You need to be your own Dominant/boss again for a bit, remember that you do not need a Dominant.   
• Start by blatantly breaking EVERY rules you ever had in the relationship.  If you weren’t allowed to orgasm or touch yourself, go do that...  NOW.  If you were not allowed to use certain words, use them. ERASE your dumbass old Dominant’s influence on your life in EVERY WAY you can imagine, within reason, get back to being in control of you. 
• DO NOT LIE TO YOURSELF!  ‘In his defense’ isn’t really a defense.  It is AVOIDENCE by you submissive.  The asshat left.  Left you to your own to wallow around lost. 
• Darlings, its ok to be MAD. 
• It is ok to be angry! 
• It is NOT ok to harm yourself. 
• It is NOT ok to  obsess thinking you will 'win' them back.  There is no winning, They LEFT Honey, end of story.  Nothing to claim, nothing to have, just nothing. 

 

I am so sorry that is a bit in your face, but some submissive lie to themselves and put themselves into the complete falsehood that they are at fault, or being tested, or need to be loyal when they return and the Dom has not sent a shred of contact to them.  No info, no promises, just dead silence... 

 

Listen darlings, You want to know how The Relationship should be?  you will find it here... 

https://3dxforum.com/index.php?/topic/15473-teachings-and-musing-of-a-retired-pro-dominatrix/&do=findComment&comment=450664 

  

NOW, we have the important darlings taken care of that.. Let us talk about the absolute idiotic behavior I have seen some WannaBe's do. 

Fake Dom/me 

READ THIS FIRST...  IF ANYTHING In here describe you... then YOU may want to slam on the brakes and get your head out of your ass, before you harm the heart that is willing to be with you. 

https://3dxforum.com/index.php?/topic/15473-teachings-and-musing-of-a-retired-pro-dominatrix/&do=findComment&comment=450663 

 

What makes a Good Dominant... 

You will find My writings on this, from these posts 

THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE DOM/TOPS - https://3dxforum.com/index.php?/topic/15473-teachings-and-musing-of-a-retired-pro-dominatrix/&do=findComment&comment=450666 

And 

THE RELATIONSHIP, both parts.. 

Part 1: https://3dxforum.com/index.php?/topic/15473-teachings-and-musing-of-a-retired-pro-dominatrix/&do=findComment&comment=450664 

Part 2: https://3dxforum.com/index.php?/topic/15473-teachings-and-musing-of-a-retired-pro-dominatrix/&do=findComment&comment=450665 

 

LETS also address a kind of Fetish (top) that I just.. H A T E

The COLLECTOR... 

This kind of WannaBe is one of the WORST kind of a Fake Dom/me AND submissive.   They have STABLES of people on 'collars' or 'collection of collars.  Owning them with no work from themselves and no work to better the submissive that has mistakenly attach themselves to this person and their lies about being their 'special' one.   

This individual only cares about 1 thing.  Themselves.  They do NOT care for the harem they are creating.  It is only about THEM and THEM only.  More toys for the child to play with. 

IF you are a fetish'r, and like this.  HEY have at it. 

If you are a submissive, caught in this harmful delusion of utter falsehood.  Then you know the pain and damage this can cause... 

 

Be mindful darlings always, and do not be afraid to challenge.  It is your GIFT, and you have the RIGHT to remove it from dumbasses any time you need.  Be warned too, the Acceptance from the Dominant, also can be removed, at any time.  So make sure you are doing your part, too. 

 

 

Tootles! 

~Z 

Edited August 1, 2024 by MissZee
Typo Queen ^-

[MissZee]

VETTING

 

VETTED 
In terms of the BDSM world, vetting a person is a direct and somewhat fast way to get to know if a potential partner is compatible with your vision of a dynamic. The vetting process allows two people to compare wants, needs, desires, morals, limits, etc. against one another. It also helps them test the waters of the other people to get a taste of how the Dom/sub would react in their desired role.    Here is some information I gathered from the net and added in my own words and experiences to help make this clearer. 

 

When do you start the vetting process? 

In most cases, when we meet or start talking with a potential partner, we tend to get to know that person in a more organic way. This is a form of vetting, so you could say vetting starts as soon as you start having extended conversations with that person.  
 

We tend to allow the conversation to flow through basic questions like: 

• How old are you?  
• Where are you from?  
• Are you a Dom, sub, switch?  
• How much experience do you have? 

 

These questions pop up within the first 10 minutes of a conversation when someone is looking for a potential Lifestyle partner. I believe this is a very good way to start a conversation with people because if you just meet someone and start asking the more invasive questions you would ask a Dom/sub, many, if not most, would be put off and shut you down right then.  

If after talking with someone for a while and getting to know them better, you feel a connection, then by all means move on to the more pointed questions.  

  

How do you vet a person?  

To vet a person, you get to know them. You ask questions and gather that information to form your conclusion.  

 

Some questions you should ask a partner are: 

• What are their limits?  
• What form of BDSM do they practice or want in a relationship?  
• Are they wanting a single or multiple partner situation? 
• Do they practice in real life or online only? 
• Are they active in the local BDSM community? 
• What are their views on safe words?  
• Are they a sadist/masochist? If so, to what degree?  
• What are some common protocols they expect?  
• What are some examples of punishments they use?  

Vetting is a very in-depth way to ensure compatibility with a partner by getting to know their history, style of BDSM, and other relevant information.  While vetting will definitely not ensure a successful outcome, it will help you pick and choose partners that meet up with the version of the Lifestyle you are trying to practice.  

 

Now, one thing I want to NOTE here.. As a rule of thumb I use is 1 month, giving this process time to work.  I go over it at least 2 times.  and I offer the person their first out, or get out of jail free card.  No harm, no foul.  Walk cleanly out the door, and part as friends. 

I do this offer once again at the end of the vetting process before the first trial session.   I give them the option,  walk cleanly, no harm, no foul.  We stay friends, and move on. 

After the 3rd and final trial session, the offer is made the last time.  Walk cleanly away, no harm, no foul.  

By this time, it is the end of the vetting process 

 

Now, we get serious.. Here is where the above teachings I have already posted come out.  And as the submissives call it.. The "Game" begins... 

 

Enjoy darlings!  

~Z 

[MissZee]

the Abuse of Power

 

Hello Darlings, and darlings... 

 

I come today to talk about something very personal.  I had a dear who sought Me out, on their own initiative.   A heart whom we will call Kilo.  No, that is not their real name, I give designations to protect those whom speak to Me.    I am known, as the Keeper of Secrets for a reason.   Honor those please who share their lives, their hearts, their pain, the joy. 

 

Honor them in not worrying who they are,  but more in what you can learn from them sharing their lives.... 

 

At Coven House there was a HUGE rules about the Abuse of power.  The Head of Household, The Head of Submissives, and We the Black Widows, reviewed these cases, and kept watch on others to ensure this was NOT going on.  Most times it is very harmless.  There are those times though, it can lead to dangerous things... 

 

Kilo came to Me and we talk for some time, still are talking to this day.  They asked me my opinion on many things.  Something that really stood out was what is known as "The Abuse of power." 

Now that term is not unique, but the spelling if how I did it, is.  The lower case 'p' in the word power.  Each dynamic has power in it, yet that power starts with the submissive, who loans that power to the Dominant.  The Dominant, then holds the power for the time, using it to further the submissive, caring for them and their needs, as doing such causes the submissive to care for Our needs. 

 

Always remember, without the submissive, there is NO Dominant.   We, as Dominants, need them.  They as submissives, need us.  It is the exchange of power that maintains the balance in the D/s relationship. 

 

Now what happens then that is not respected, and when that balance is abused for selfish reasons... let me take some things from My talk with Kilo and lets explore these things. 

 

• There are two Doms which learned I lose my voice at times under sexual pressure.  One is seasoned, THEY leads events at times in the community.  I had gone through a breakup, and I probably didn't communicate well.  I have since tried to resolve it.  The other gets very pushy and knows I am avoiding places with them. Also knows there is a gender thing which prevents me from wanting to explore a d/s dynamic. 

Now, starting here let's talk about what is going on here with these individuals and Kilo.   How the are relating to each other, and how they are treat Kilo in their relationship. 

PARTNER ONE:  This is a person whom knows much in their Art of Submission.  They understand the Dynamic and know the TRIGGERS of Kilo well enough they can use it to their advantage to silence their objections to a session with them, and may be thinking they are helping Kilo to get over the terrible break up. 

Let me assure you, the road to Hell is PAVED with good intentions.  It is Long, Broad, and an easy path to travel to many.  While Kilo and I both are convinced that this person is doing such in a controlling act, but as a way to access Kilo thinking they are helping.   I will say this, if a submissive, who is NOT yours, comes to you seeking this, then that time to have a discussion with them.   IF YOU, as the DOMINANT, are seeking out the submissive, and using know triggers to manipulate them into a position YOU think they need.... 

Then Darlings, you are GUILTY of the 'Abuse of power'. 

 

PARTNER TWO:  This kind of person is an example of a Stalker.  Plain and simple.  They DO NOT care for you, they DO NOT care for anything or anyone except themselves.  Their actions are to manipulate, control for their OWN satisfaction.   They will keep escalating this until it becomes such an issue, they become OBSESSED with the individual(submissive). 

There is no talking to this kind of person.  In 3dx there is the IGNORE function, I suggest you use it... Immediately.  You do NOT want this kind of person in your life AT ALL.  This is dangerous mentally and can be physically.  This kind of personal will keep escalating until the point is reached something drastic occurs. 

Do yourself a favor darlings,  and understand.  A person like this is only there to use you, and then once they get their fill, they will discard you like yesterday's trash.  If you wish some name examples, I can give you some personally.  I will not post names here. 

  

• The one more recently wasn't using  sexual pressure so much but owning pressure.  I have a thing for couples. I have for a long time.  Before we ever got involved, I gave several reminders, I made sure they knew I was not looking for her collar and I would not call her Miss.  But she keeps pushing it now.  Last time was right before she left and she tried to collar me in the middle of a sex session.    

PARTNER THREE:  So, we do not get what we want, we try shortcuts.   Dropping bombs like this on a submissive, trying to catch them in a moment of weakness will backfire on you so fast.  The dominant in this scenario will lose any trust they had built up with the sub in general.  Not only that, being completely unreasonable in understand a simple thing... 

No. 

It IS  a complete sentence and it means NO.    If you want to drive people from you, want to drive others from you, keep pressing them showing you have no control, no patience, no understanding or respect for them.   You WILL succeed 100% of the time while you self-destruct. 

 

Submissive, never forget YOU have all the Power.  Do not Abuse yours either.  We as Dominant's call that Topping from the bottom.   I have ran into dears who change each session.  needing attention, changing rules, wanting things their way, have little to no regard to others, who take pleasure in their own humor, when they are the only ones laughing... 

With Me, they generally do not last long until I BAN them from My presence (a.k.a. Dismiss them).  I give anyone the chance to change, to learn.   Life is too short to hold on to that kind of anger, selfishness, and pain. 

 

Remember a simple rule that We and Dominants judged others by in the Abuse of power. 

1. You are the one making contact 
2. You are the one disregarding the No decree from the submissive  or Dominant. 
3. You are the one manipulating another through the use of your intimate knowledge of them. 
4. You are not following proper protocol in dealing with, speak to, and addressing another Dominant or submissive that is not yours. 

 

Be kind to each other.  There is enough Ugliness in the World, it needs no help in being what it is.  It is commanded of Us, His teachings, and in the Art.  Be a light until others, to help them find their way, to bring honor and glory unto Love.   For this, in the end, is all each of us seeks... 

 

Food for thought Darlings and darlings.... 

Until next time. 

 

~Z 

 

P.S.  I am working on a more detail layout of the 5 tasks.  I was not happy at all with a condensed version so be expecting each to be much more detailed and more a standing alone item. 

Edited April 6, 2024 by MissZee
Typo Queen ^-

[MissZee]

THE TASKS - PAIN

Now darlings we are going to talk about something that many do not know of.  Those of us whom practice the Art in Life know of, only from being trained in the old ways of the association.  Each proper House has a form of this in their teachings.   

This is the main structure of how a submissive go from badges, to trainees, to initiates, to owned. 

They are called, The TASKS. 

 Sounds oh so mysterious!  But this is a basic structure of development from the young submissive, until a proper submissive.  The task is not just for the submissive, but are an equal learning plan for both the Dominant, and the submissive to grow together. 

 

I practice the Tasks of Five.  These are specific in each degree, in the building stage of the D/s relationship. 

• Pain 
• Training 
• Compassion 
• Knowledge 
• Openness 

These are set stages and hard requirements that are met by both, in order to progress the relationship to each level.   What each of these consist of, is up to the Dominant, who is the Teacher, Leading the one.  Yet, a couple of those levels require the input of both to move to the next. 

 

Pain 

This is the initial part of the Path,  the joining, or agreement of One(Dominant) to the request of the one(submissive).   Pain is the description for this phase of the TASKS, as it is describing of the initial phase of the Path of the D/s who begin talking, learning each other, sharing themselves. 

This part also involved what I call the "Sharing".  This is where both whom have accepted the role of Chosen to chosen, share their past with each other.  It is a thing of longing, a thing of sharing, a thing of no secrets between the two.  Because of this, it can be a painful thing, expressing each other's past experiences.  Each triumph, each failure.  Every pain of your life to the other. 

This is a place of no secrets.   Like any relationship, you get out of it, what you put into it.  Honesty counts.  It helps both to understand the other.  It helps to see about compatibility, knowledge, experience.   It helps both see the pain and triumphs of each other.   Remember, the Path is walked by Two(2), seeking to become One(1).  One leads, one follows, and in this sharing, begins the Bond. 

If you keep them, then you are hung here until your own heart expels them.  You see, those pains of your past are poison to the soul.  Until you bare it, get it from you heart, your mind, and share it with the hope of your Chosen/chosen, you will never be free of it.  It is so important for all to share their pain here. 

Let me explain what those terms are.  PATH and BOND 

• The Path:  this is simply the courtship in the D/s dynamic between the D/s.  No different then dating another.  Save this is very specific and sometimes can be a therapeutic path between 2 individuals to help a submissive with more than just sexual inclinations.  I have helped people who have enlisted My help in breaking bad habits, bad behaviors, and even worked with a PHD therapist in helping anxiety patient. 
• The Bond:  This is literally the relationship between the D/s.  This may include the Agreement and/or Contract.  It is not the materialistic form, but the feelings of the hearts that are moving down this path.  The respect, the understanding, the Love that develops as you both begin triumphing over the goals that are set.   The union grows.  Sometimes sexual in nature, sometimes as a Coach praising their charge in successfully reaching a goal, and preparing them for the next one. 

 It is also a Place of healing, where trust in each other begins to bloom.  Where love begins to swell, and two, become one.  It is in this stage most stay the longest.  For here it where Love gives to the other and the two learn the most from each other.   Seventy percent of your time as Chosen and chosen are spent in this phase that will last through until the Fourth Task. 

 This step is the most crucial because it is the start Path, and the beginning of the Bond.  The Path is the journey both take, hand in hand as they begin their relationship.  The Bond is the sharing of hearts, the honesty of each other, absence of lies.   

• Note: withholding information here at this stage, is the same as lying to your Chosen/chosen.  Do so at your own risk.    
• As a Dominant, I can tell you many a darling suddenly sprang a rather HUGE thing on Me later in the Tasks that they did not share here.  This is where you have to be a little bit brave Dears and dears, and realize this is how you start a love affair.    

I dismissed two whom served Me for this alone.  Some may call that harsh.  I call it lying to your Dominant who has shared their very heart and hope with you.  Their vision and wish for us both.  Either you trust, or you do not.  You earn trust here by BOTH sharing.  No secrets.  If you have those, then you do not need to even START a relationship of that Art until you have dealt with those completely 

So  think hard on this before going to the next task.  This is a place of honesty, forgiveness, acceptance, and the beginning of Love.   If you sabotage it here, then you are a fool to think you will make it through the tasks.   

Now, take your time do this.  You both engage as you wish in this, play, date, have fun. But make SURE this is done before the last part of the Task of Pain is done. 

And that last task is "The Contract."  I have written about this specifically.  In life, you get a lawyer to write this out. It is THAT important.  Online, you can follow the guide I wrote out, and you can make it as simply or as complex as you wish.  I tend to try to keep things simple.  

The discussion of the Contract is the last part of this.  What is allowed, not allowed, safe words, limits hard and soft.  You would of read my detail info for this step before reaching The Tasks. Feel free to scroll back and review it! 

 

This is the start of My postings of the The Tasks.  The next one, Training, is going to be a big one.  that will have several parts.  So bare with me as I try to make it details as possible, with simplistic follow through.  So as not to confuse anyone.

Toodles

~Z

[MissZee]

Forgive My absence darlings and Darlings.  Life got a bit complex as My sister was diagnosed with Lung Cancer.  So I have spend a good amount of time with her, and getting the family support structure in place.

I will be posting soon the Training guide... and warning..

...its DEEP... so be  a lot of reading

Toodles

~Z

[MissZee]

Now I thank you all for being so patient with Me, its has been a tough couple of months...  but as promised...

here is part of ONE of three for the  TASK: Training

 

TRAINING 

Now this is where as Dominants, we have a plan, following the Contract/Agreement to where we set out goals to address what, where, how we are going to expand our chosen.  Gain them knowledge, take care of them, address their needs, and explore new things with them based on a basic idea or plan. 

And this where most get a little lost. 

So, I am going to share what I outline for My own darlings so you can see the methodology of this process. 

 

Address all known skills 

• Put the darling through the ringer a few times, see where they shine, see where they do not.  In this step you want to be the nurturer, encourage, be the cheerleader.   
• Praise, and note to yourself things you see.  Make a journal, and begin addressing things that are missing if the darling has a specific wish.   
• Include in this any requested teaching skills or experiences desired.  (I.e. One of my darlins wanted me to teach her Masochism.) 

 

Now, look at the discussion that was already done in the Pain stage.  Begin comparing what you see the goal that you wish and the chosen wishes to have. 

• Understand, this is not just Your work as the Dominant, but also the work of the submissive. 
• Share you views, listen to their.  Both of you hear the words of each other, discuss and talk 
• TAKE YOUR TIME doing this part.   This is a continuous process  that once started never ends. 
• Make proper changes, and apply those changes.  COMMUNICATE! Check for those changes, tweak the change to fit the darling best to grow them. 
• Then after a couple of times with those changes, adjustments see how well they are doing.  Be OPEN minded.  Remember, you two are STILL LEARNING EACH OTHER at this stage. 

 

Keep on this stage all the way until the final Stage, Openness.  Training once started keeps going on continuously.  It never stops for the rest of your Union.  Each can learn from each encounter, each session, each moment.  This is more than just sex, it is knowing each other, understanding reactions.  wanting to learn, do new things, try other things, etc.  It is a never ending process. 

 

I found it best to have specific times and days for this each week, bi-weekly, or even monthly.   (though that is a LONG time for your chosen to wait for what they crave to attend to their fetish, and You yours.) 

 

The biggest thing to do in this phase is to HAVE FUN!  if it is not fun, you may want to change up the approach.  Now understand, everyone has their own IDEA of fun.  One is no better, or worse than the other, so long as you keep all things in context of the Contract/Agreement. 

 

Q: Why do I hark so much on "keep all things in context of the Contract/Agreement." 

A:  Because this is the guide that will help both a Young Dom, and a young submissive in what to expect, how to be, and what is expected of them.  It is that thing that will help them when they feel lost, or overwhelmed.  It is there for that reason, to assist BOTH in what is expected, agreed to, and desired from each. 

 

Now, let us get into the Meat of it...  Training is setup on Objectives and time tables.  You want to start each note of what is requested, needed, observed, and requested, with the ability to add to it, as you add more levels, advancing and growing your Charge. 

 

I will lead off with a recent darlings of Mine.  My observations, My notes, Our talks, ((during the Vetting Process)), and requests from them personally.  This is a basis of all of that... 

 

Mannerism 

Shyness vs inexperience 

• Be mindful to watch for changes of behavior.  Specifically Bratti-ness.  If the behavior is beginning to change to a undesired trait, then address that immediately.  Set Goals and share thoughts of that behavior. 

 

Training 

Basic fundamentals 

• Begin basic introduction, Doctrine, with subjecting charge to simple applications of Dominance, Bondage, Sadism, Masochism.  Note responses. 

 

Interaction 

Aftercare 

• Discussing of scene, fears, enjoyments, questions. 
• Address each openly with compassion and understanding. 
• Correct the charge if they feel it is foolish question, remember, the only foolish question is the one you do NOT ask. 

 

Preparedness 

The Dominant 

• Always take the time to prepare ahead of time for your charge.  Like any relationship, you get out of it, what you put into.  This goes for all relationships. 

 

Now, let us go a step further in some things..  I will share some common things that are known to Me, and to other Dominants that may help others in considering.  Submissive take note here.  You want to know what we think about when training you all?   

Well Buckle up Butter Cup, here is a basic list of things that run through My mind as I plan sessions... 

•  The slave needs to be regularly reminded throughout the session/ day to feel owned.  
• Always be assertive when communicating your orders. 
• Be consistent in practicing dominance. ( I find this very important ) 
• NEVER ignore their wrongdoings.  Punish the submissive properly and accordingly every time.  
• Teach your submissive using positive and motivational methods. Incorporate games like hide & seek, go find, retrieve, peek a boo, etc. 
• Be mindful of giving commands that you know you can’t enforce. If a command is neither complied with nor enforced, your submissive may get crossed signals and is not learning the Path you wish. 
• One command should equal one response. 
• Use a calm and authoritative tone when giving commands. 

 

((CONTINUED BELOW))

 

Edited July 29, 2024 by MissZee

[MissZee]

there is a huge part of the training posting missing.  the Forum is giving me an error Darlings and darlings.  The tech group is investigating the issue and is communicating back with me as they fix the issue.

So lets all be patient as I will keep you all updated

~Z

[MissZee]

CONTINUED FROM ABOVE

Here is a list of ideas for BDSM training that you can incorporate into your time lines.

REMEMBER this TASKS are a set timeline that You as the Dominant set down.  Once Training starts, it NEVER ENDS.  The idea is to grow the darling, challenging them always.  It is not just about the sex.  The Sex us a tool you use, to grow your charge.  Sex is also a binding agent of Love.  It is this, that is not sex for sex sake, but a Heart leading, teaching it's heart, to become better then They are.

* Set rules on how to address you in private and in public. 

* Be consistent. 

* Engage in pet play occasionally. Put her on a leash, lube, and insert a tail butt plug and gag her with a bulb. 

* Your word is the last word, However, listen first, you have a brain, and common sense, use them.  Make GOOD sound judgements before setting the Line. 

* Reward them by fulfilling a fantasy.  (theirs or yours) 

* Give her a task each day and make sure it is done. 

* Allow them to please you sexually.  As a reward only, and not as a form of greeting. 

* Dress your slave. A servant costume is a convenient choice. 

* The body needs to be shaven at all times. 

* Use ”pet names or even degrading names”, when calling them. 

* Give them this Remember, spanking is your slave’s reward.  

* Pet them when sitting, resting, standing, using them as your seat. 

* Call them and make them masturbate for you. 

* Make them worship your (select body part). 

* Flog them if they do not obey.   Why flogging?  It is simple. A Flogger can be used to entice with delicate pressure.  Most modern day floggers are a latex/Rubber so they do not break the skin.  HOWEVER, the more force you put behind it, the worse it feels.  It will make the muscles ache the next day and for a couple days after if you strike them hard enough...  A lasting reminder of disobedience. 

[MissZee]

CONTINUED FROM ABOVE

* Make them keep a diary of their submission.  

* Lube them up and insert or administer a favorite Toy, when they think they are done for the day.  This is a reminder, they belong to You. 

* Respect and push limits.  ALL of them.  Put this in your planning guide for Training 

* Use them sexually on a whim. Do whatever you want to with the goal of Dominance. 

* Having them crawl to you or around you, showing you what is yours. 

* Deny orgasms for as long as you want to. 

* Buy a collar with a bell for your submissive to wear. It is a constant reminder of submission. 

* Make them wear nothing but heels/shoes, a collar, and a leash. 

* Expose their holes with a spreader bar so you can use them sexually. 

* Restrain them properly with proper restraints, and use their mouth/sexual body part. 

* Train them to know all submissive positions. 

* Use wax as a form of punishment, keep in mind this can be used as a form of a reward as well. 

* Keep them in a cage occasionally, or tied to a restraint device 

* After the punishment, have them kiss your legs/heels/shoes and thank you for loving them enough to correct them. 

* Occasionally, make them eat from a bowl. 

* Restrain them to teach patience, not touching them at all. Leaving them there, even next to you, while you read, watch tv, use them as furniture. 

* Allow the slave to accompany you by kneeling beside you, be mindful of your surrounds though, and select proper areas for this to occur. 

* Lock them in a chastity device. Reward them with an orgasm every now and then. 

* Give your slave a writing assignment. It can be as simple as writing ”My place is on my knees before my Master/Mistress” 100 times.  or even essays over a given topic.  I use this to get them involved in current world, or items they wish to know more of. 

* Use a riding crop to direct or to punish when they do not obey.  A riding crop is flexible, and infinitely useable for BDSM 

* Explore forced orgasm play while restrained.  Have them attempt to refuse your advance, and sexual torment them until you break their resolve and make them orgasm. 

* Praise them! If they pleased you well.  This is a building action. 

Now.. This is just some basics and only the FIRST part of this massive topic.  the Next sub topic is addressing submissives who have been trained or lack thereof, by others... 

Tootles darlings! 

~Z 

[MissZee]

Still here darlings and Darlings ^_   bare with Me.  Sister requires some care and I needed some Myself.  I should be posting this soon.  the Part 2: un-programming  Falsehood

[MissZee]

Ok now I am wrestling life back into shape,  Sister is.. surviving her Chemo treatments, (kicking her ass right now when she eats that greasy fast food) and Got a few things of My life calmed down... I am off this week.  So I have 2 goals..

• Post Stage 2: Training - Unprogramming the Lie 
• Post Stage 3:  Compassion - Start of the Change

Wish Me luck darlings.

~Z

 

[MissZee]

Ok darlings... how does that go best laid plans?  Well mine toss into the dumpster fire, and now finally I do have life wrestled back into some shape.  I been away from posting.

• Sister developed lung cancer
• I needed some long term treatments myself
• Yeah, found someone worth My time, trained her through all the stages, and did a Bonding Ceremony with My Lovely little EmilyLee.

NOW... I will just shoot the next thing that bothers me.  I have fleshed out the 2 articles of posting. 

• Post Stage 2: Training - Unprogramming the Lie 
• Post Stage 3:  Compassion - Start of the Change

So be expected them and more in the coming 30 days.

Thank you all for reading and using My experience to learn more of your own enjoyment.!

~Z

[MissZee]

UNPROGRAMMING THE LIE - Training Stage 2

 

I assume most of you are wondering just what I mean by 'Unprogramming the Lie.'  Well it is very simple actually. 

Go ask, 10 people, what they think BDSM is.  Anyone at all... 

Ask them what does such entail?   

 

You will get something along these lines..   I present these, as I have run across these most of My life.  In questions, seminars, and in training sessions of those who are watching and asking questions.  Understand this is not an all-encompassing list, just the most common lies you will have to untrain the mind of your new submissive about. 

 

BDSM Is All About Sex 

If one were to rely on pop culture references to understand BDSM, it makes perfect sense that many people believe that it’s all about the act of sex.  The truth is that sex is not the whole picture, and for some, it isn’t in the frame at all. 

For many sexual participants, the attraction of, and participation in, various aspects of BDSM (bondage, being a Dom[me], submissive, or a switch, masochist, and so on) stems from the mental experience as opposed to the physical, either situationally or in more extended circumstances. 

Their experiences as members of the community can be completely erased when one believes that only sexual people can participate because “BDSM is about sex.” 

• What does “the mental experience” encompass? 

This is different for people, for many actually, the mental aspects of BDSM are about power exchange, vulnerability, and trust.  Some would argue, that a healthy kinky relationship cannot exist without the last two aspects.   

When we believe that BDSM is only or always about sex, we erase people’s experiences, desires, and feelings.  The best way to understand what BDSM is about (and what it’s not about), like any other underrepresented group and/or topic, is to make the effort to learn more.   

Seek out books and online resources, find spaces that may be open to non-kinky people (such as local or online workshops — always ask first and respect the space!), and if a friend feels trusting enough to tell you that they are a member of this community, listen to their experiences and feelings with an open mind. 

 

BDSM Is Inherently Abusive 

This is very common misunderstanding/lie, but also complicated to discuss because the truth is that there is abuse in the kink community, just as there is in any other community or group of people. 

Healthy kinky relationships are founded on clear communication, consent, and regular negotiation, but some people deliberately use BDSM to manipulate, exploit, overpower, and abuse.  The images of people who are marginalized, including those perceived as sexually “deviant” — are controlled by those with social privilege. 

Because of this, concepts like dominance and submission, power exchange, and similar subsets of BDSM are warped in the average person’s mind. 

Particularly because many victims of abuse within the kink community refuse to seek help for fear of being judged for what they do like and are blamed for their predicament, or not believed at all.  It is imperative that we can distinguish between aspects of BDSM and abuse. 

To insist that the foundation of an entire subculture is based on abuse erases people’s autonomy and self-determination and invalidates the experiences of many people in healthy kinky relationships. 

In addition to the steps you can take outlined here, specifically take the time to learn about power dynamics within the kink community. 

As with all abuse, there are signs which can often be distinguished from consensual submission and rough play found in some kinky relationships. 

• No matter how a relationship is structured, all relationships require communication, mutual respect, and trust. 

 

People in the BDSM Community Have a History of Abuse or Other Trauma 

This one is inextricably tied to what is discussed from above.  People with a history of abuse or trauma, exist in all communities. 

There will be people with a history of abuse and trauma, just as there are people with and without college degrees, people who like or hate pizza, and people across religious and political spectrums. 

People who aren’t in, or informed about, the lifestyle assume that if you like to dominate or be dominated in the bedroom, if you enjoy pain or being gagged or tied up, there must be something “wrong” with you. 

I even counselled one dear who boy friend asked them, “What happened to you?” 

The problem with this is besides the fact that it paints an entire community with a very broad brush, is the fact that it rests on the assumption that people with a history of abuse and trauma couldn’t possibly make healthy, informed decisions relating to their sexuality. 

It often rests upon the idea that there is something wrong with people, as opposed to something wrong with the perpetrator(s) in accordance that we are damaged, broken, or otherwise incapable of functioning, on some level, in the “real world.” 

While experiencing abuse and trauma certainly comes with its own set of challenges, and some survivors would suggest that there are certain things that you cannot “get over” with time, that it always stays with you no matter what.  These challenges do not preclude us from the ability to successfully navigate their lives and develop into healthy people. 

To suggest otherwise is insulting at best and oppressive at its worst.  This misconception pathologizes an entire group of people and is based on pseudo/pop psychology in the worst form possible. 

Beginning to move away from this tendency by reminding ourselves that everyone grows into their sexuality at their own pace, has their own baggage, and has the right to make their own decisions when it comes to their bodies, sex, and relationships. 

For some, certain aspects of BDSM may be a kind of catharsis, to take back the consent that was once taken away from them, and that’s okay.  But for many in the community, our attraction to kink has nothing to do with healing, because there is nothing to heal from.  For many of us, it is simply about what feels good.  When talking about human sexuality, what is perceive to “feel good”, or not, may be influenced by many things.  Such as biology, culture/upbringing, religious/spiritual beliefs, society, media, but ultimately it is up to each individual to decide what works for them. 

Within the context of relationships, regardless of origin, it is imperative that we clearly communicate, negotiate, and respect consent in order to create and maintain safe intimate spaces. 

There are certain things that everyone likes or dislikes.  I love ice cream, while my cousin is not a fan. And that’s okay. 

• The moment we decide that because what someone likes, or does not like, and is different about it.  That they deserve shaming, judgment, or ridicule, that is the moment our views, and our social justice, becomes exclusionary. 

We must be ready to empower ourselves in whatever decisions make the most sense for EACH of us so that we can focus on the relationship work that needs to be done. 

 

So you see, the mental aspect of understanding these misconceptions is the battlefield of the mind and heart.   Both the D and /s win this with Communication, trust, openness, fairness in that relationship.  Remember the Dynamic is NOT one sided.   If it is, then you, both Dom/me and submissive, may need to re-evaluate the relationship you are in. 

 

Food for thought, when you are physically training.  Remember, there is a Heart and Mind in that body, that needs to be addressed as well.  Do not neglect them. 

 

Some other fast facts... 

BDSM is just like 50 Shades of Grey – OMG Hell to the fuck TOTALLY Untrue. 

Consent is required – True. 

• Trust – the foundation of consent - True 

Communication is key - True 

The limits of play are defined by the submissive, not the Dominant - Absolutely true. 

That last one should make you stop and think.  Remember, the Gift is the Balance to the Acceptance of the Dom/me.  Both are the counter to other, to maintain Balance.  I have written here many time about how important this is, and the dangers when this balance is NOT maintained.

 

So Tootles Darlings!

~MissZee

Ret. Coven House, Black Widow

[MissZee]

Stage 3:  Compassion

 

 

Now, I get so many questions on this training phase.   

• What IS 'Compassion'?   
• What does it entail? 
• Why does it have its own training phase? 
• How is it relevant? 

 

Compassion is a deep awareness of another's suffering, coupled with a strong desire and motivation to alleviate that suffering, often involving empathy and a willingness to act to help.   

You see, to truly train,  you begin this step in the Pain sequence.  That stage you both share your success, failures, fears, and triumphs.   This leads to the training phase of Compassion.  This is where you get deep into the mental status of the mind, and heart of each other. 

 

Now this is not only for the submissive, but also in the Dominant.  Teaching a darling, about the experiences you have learned.  Teaching them your view of the world, of others, of the past,  hopes of the future.   To share your life, their life, both of your lives together, at this moment.    This is the phase, where the Bond begins to deepen.  The choice is made to go to the next step.  It is not a sexual thing, it is one of Healing, not only of your charge, but Yourself too. 

• Past pains 
• Past faults 
• Past Failures 
• Past Triumphs 

In sharing these with each other, listening,  the Teaching can begin.   

• Building their confidence up. 
• Building their ability to see more and understand more of the world.  The Lifestyle is not black and white.  It is a portrait of colors.  
• Showing them, different Path's that many are on, that is working for them, just because it is different, does not mean it is incorrect. 

 

I began this phase with Emily, whom was in deep pain, hidden inside.  She is of a war torn country.  Having lived a nightmarish life, that most cannot even begin to comprehend.  I held her in aftercare, for as long or longer then the training sessions themselves.   Opening My heart, talking, listening, asking questions with soft words.  Gently touches, breaking down the resistance, slipping past the walls she had up.  It is a slow process, to understand the mind,  the pain, the fear of another. 

Love's ability, done sincerely, honestly, opening your own fear up, sharing that part of the Bond with them.  Love, does not change people, directly.  It is by giving your Love, unconditionally, with your heart, that inspires their Love, to wish more.  Then their Love will demand change inside of themselves.   The barriers will begin to crack, and their own hidden self will begin to come out. 

 

It is a slow process,  took me nearly 6 months with Lina, mixing this in with her Sessions, training, and talks.  Yet, it began,  I noticed her behavior begin to change.  The wildness she had earlier began to be replace.  Thoughtfulness, respect of self, and of others began to take form.  She began to understand My view of others, of Life, and of Self.   

I then pushed a little, and the crack widened....  I will not go into personal details here,  suffice to say, the pain came pouring out, until no more could.  She felt empty, but also felt something else.  Holding her, we talked about it, I let her begin to understand what had changed.   Over the next week, I kept encouraging her softly,  I became more tender handed,  showing her different aspects of the Art.  Different teachings,  styles, views, actions, reactions.   

...then she stopped, on the fourth day, looked to Me, and said... 

"My Goddess.  You took it away, filled Me with Love, not of just each other, but of Your heart.  You gave me Hope..." 

I smiled, kissed her, and told her this, "No Mine, I did not give you anything.  I simply shown you, what I seen inside.  I simply took the time, and showed you the Truth of what My Love, sees in you." 

 

Compassion for not just of self, but for others.  Teaching respect, by giving it, even to those whom never deserve such.  Manners on all things.   No, you will not be perfect at all times.  I am not,  I make mistakes daily. 

Compassion training, is breaking down the hang ups, the self-doubt that exist in the Mind and heart of a dear, who is seriously wishing to become more. 

 

In teaching Compassion, you wish to model it in all your actions.  You are seeking to encourage empathy through perspective-taking.  Foster kindness through acts of service, and promote gratitude, reflection, all while creating a supportive and inclusive environment.  

Model Compassionate Behavior 

Be a Role Model:  A person can learn by observing, so consistently demonstrate compassion in your interactions with others.  

Show Kindness:  Offer help, be patient, and treat others with respect.  Even when faced with difficult situations.  

Practice Self-Compassion:  Demonstrate self-kindness and understanding, which can help others learn to extend that to others.  

 

Foster Empathy   

Encourage Perspective-Taking: Help to understand how others might feel by asking them to imagine themselves in different situations. 

Discuss Emotions:  Talk about feelings and help identify and name their own and others' emotions. 

Read Books with Compassionate Themes:  Choose stories that explore different characters' experiences and emotions.  

 

Promote Acts of Kindness 

Encourage Small Acts of Kindness:  Start with simple gestures like sharing if self, time or body.  Helping a friend, or offering a compliment.  

Create Opportunities for Kindness:  Set up situations where they can practice kindness, such as having a "kindness time" or a "thank you" board that to be adhered to.  

 

Cultivate Gratitude and Reflection 

Teach Gratitude:  Encourage them to appreciate the things they have and the people in their lives.  For it takes MANY colors to make a picture. 

Promote Reflection:  Discuss situations where they have shown compassion or kindness and help them reflect on their actions.  

Practice Mindfulness:  Mindfulness can help become more aware of their own emotions and the emotions of others.  

 

Create a Supportive and Inclusive Environment

Build a Sense of Belonging:  Foster an environment where everyone feels valued and respected.  

Promote Open Communication:  Encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings openly and respectfully.  

Address Bullying and Conflict:  Teach how to resolve conflicts peacefully and address bullying behavior effectively.  

 

Specific Activities and Examples to help 

• Role-Playing: Act out scenarios where children can practice empathy and compassion.  
• Storytelling: Use stories to explore different perspectives and emotions.  
• Loving-Kindness Meditation: Practice loving-kindness meditation to cultivate compassion for oneself and others.  

 

Compassion is the window to a heart.  You have to be deadly openly and vulnerably honest with it and to it.  This is the dividing line between those that live the "Life", and those whom enjoy the "fetish".  If your goal is to just enjoy your fix, then stay in the first 2 stages... 

 

...For Compassion, this is the land of the serious, and a doorway to a very dangerous world, where you both risk your very Hearts.... 

...To Love. 

 

Food for thought Darlings and darlings.  Do not take this step lightly, you can do far more harm than good, if you do not heed the warnings I have laid out here. 

~Z