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Everything posted by MissZee

  1. the Abuse of Power Hello Darlings, and darlings... I come today to talk about something very personal. I had a dear who sought Me out, on their own initiative. A heart whom we will call Kilo. No, that is not their real name, I give designations to protect those whom speak to Me. I am known, as the Keeper of Secrets for a reason. Honor those please who share their lives, their hearts, their pain, the joy. Honor them in not worrying who they are, but more in what you can learn from them sharing their lives.... At Coven House there was a HUGE rules about the Abuse of power. The Head of Household, The Head of Submissives, and We the Black Widows, reviewed these cases, and kept watch on others to ensure this was NOT going on. Most times it is very harmless. There are those times though, it can lead to dangerous things... Kilo came to Me and we talk for some time, still are talking to this day. They asked me my opinion on many things. Something that really stood out was what is known as "The Abuse of power." Now that term is not unique, but the spelling if how I did it, is. The lower case 'p' in the word power. Each dynamic has power in it, yet that power starts with the submissive, who loans that power to the Dominant. The Dominant, then holds the power for the time, using it to further the submissive, caring for them and their needs, as doing such causes the submissive to care for Our needs. Always remember, without the submissive, there is NO Dominant. We, as Dominants, need them. They as submissives, need us. It is the exchange of power that maintains the balance in the D/s relationship. Now what happens then that is not respected, and when that balance is abused for selfish reasons... let me take some things from My talk with Kilo and lets explore these things. There are two Doms which learned I lose my voice at times under sexual pressure. One is seasoned, THEY leads events at times in the community. I had gone through a breakup, and I probably didn't communicate well. I have since tried to resolve it. The other gets very pushy and knows I am avoiding places with them. Also knows there is a gender thing which prevents me from wanting to explore a d/s dynamic. Now, starting here let's talk about what is going on here with these individuals and Kilo. How the are relating to each other, and how they are treat Kilo in their relationship. PARTNER ONE: This is a person whom knows much in their Art of Submission. They understand the Dynamic and know the TRIGGERS of Kilo well enough they can use it to their advantage to silence their objections to a session with them, and may be thinking they are helping Kilo to get over the terrible break up. Let me assure you, the road to Hell is PAVED with good intentions. It is Long, Broad, and an easy path to travel to many. While Kilo and I both are convinced that this person is doing such in a controlling act, but as a way to access Kilo thinking they are helping. I will say this, if a submissive, who is NOT yours, comes to you seeking this, then that time to have a discussion with them. IF YOU, as the DOMINANT, are seeking out the submissive, and using know triggers to manipulate them into a position YOU think they need.... Then Darlings, you are GUILTY of the 'Abuse of power'. PARTNER TWO: This kind of person is an example of a Stalker. Plain and simple. They DO NOT care for you, they DO NOT care for anything or anyone except themselves. Their actions are to manipulate, control for their OWN satisfaction. They will keep escalating this until it becomes such an issue, they become OBSESSED with the individual(submissive). There is no talking to this kind of person. In 3dx there is the IGNORE function, I suggest you use it... Immediately. You do NOT want this kind of person in your life AT ALL. This is dangerous mentally and can be physically. This kind of personal will keep escalating until the point is reached something drastic occurs. Do yourself a favor darlings, and understand. A person like this is only there to use you, and then once they get their fill, they will discard you like yesterday's trash. If you wish some name examples, I can give you some personally. I will not post names here. The one more recently wasn't using sexual pressure so much but owning pressure. I have a thing for couples. I have for a long time. Before we ever got involved, I gave several reminders, I made sure they knew I was not looking for her collar and I would not call her Miss. But she keeps pushing it now. Last time was right before she left and she tried to collar me in the middle of a sex session. PARTNER THREE: So, we do not get what we want, we try shortcuts. Dropping bombs like this on a submissive, trying to catch them in a moment of weakness will backfire on you so fast. The dominant in this scenario will lose any trust they had built up with the sub in general. Not only that, being completely unreasonable in understand a simple thing... No. It IS a complete sentence and it means NO. If you want to drive people from you, want to drive others from you, keep pressing them showing you have no control, no patience, no understanding or respect for them. You WILL succeed 100% of the time while you self-destruct. Submissive, never forget YOU have all the Power. Do not Abuse yours either. We as Dominant's call that Topping from the bottom. I have ran into dears who change each session. needing attention, changing rules, wanting things their way, have little to no regard to others, who take pleasure in their own humor, when they are the only ones laughing... With Me, they generally do not last long until I BAN them from My presence (a.k.a. Dismiss them). I give anyone the chance to change, to learn. Life is too short to hold on to that kind of anger, selfishness, and pain. Remember a simple rule that We and Dominants judged others by in the Abuse of power. You are the one making contact You are the one disregarding the No decree from the submissive or Dominant. You are the one manipulating another through the use of your intimate knowledge of them. You are not following proper protocol in dealing with, speak to, and addressing another Dominant or submissive that is not yours. Be kind to each other. There is enough Ugliness in the World, it needs no help in being what it is. It is commanded of Us, His teachings, and in the Art. Be a light until others, to help them find their way, to bring honor and glory unto Love. For this, in the end, is all each of us seeks... Food for thought Darlings and darlings.... Until next time. ~Z P.S. I am working on a more detail layout of the 5 tasks. I was not happy at all with a condensed version so be expecting each to be much more detailed and more a standing alone item.
  2. VETTING VETTED In terms of the BDSM world, vetting a person is a direct and somewhat fast way to get to know if a potential partner is compatible with your vision of a dynamic. The vetting process allows two people to compare wants, needs, desires, morals, limits, etc. against one another. It also helps them test the waters of the other people to get a taste of how the Dom/sub would react in their desired role. Here is some information I gathered from the net and added in my own words and experiences to help make this clearer. When do you start the vetting process? In most cases, when we meet or start talking with a potential partner, we tend to get to know that person in a more organic way. This is a form of vetting, so you could say vetting starts as soon as you start having extended conversations with that person. We tend to allow the conversation to flow through basic questions like: How old are you? Where are you from? Are you a Dom, sub, switch? How much experience do you have? These questions pop up within the first 10 minutes of a conversation when someone is looking for a potential Lifestyle partner. I believe this is a very good way to start a conversation with people because if you just meet someone and start asking the more invasive questions you would ask a Dom/sub, many, if not most, would be put off and shut you down right then. If after talking with someone for a while and getting to know them better, you feel a connection, then by all means move on to the more pointed questions. How do you vet a person? To vet a person, you get to know them. You ask questions and gather that information to form your conclusion. Some questions you should ask a partner are: What are their limits? What form of BDSM do they practice or want in a relationship? Are they wanting a single or multiple partner situation? Do they practice in real life or online only? Are they active in the local BDSM community? What are their views on safe words? Are they a sadist/masochist? If so, to what degree? What are some common protocols they expect? What are some examples of punishments they use? Vetting is a very in-depth way to ensure compatibility with a partner by getting to know their history, style of BDSM, and other relevant information. While vetting will definitely not ensure a successful outcome, it will help you pick and choose partners that meet up with the version of the Lifestyle you are trying to practice. Now, one thing I want to NOTE here.. As a rule of thumb I use is 1 month, giving this process time to work. I go over it at least 2 times. and I offer the person their first out, or get out of jail free card. No harm, no foul. Walk cleanly out the door, and part as friends. I do this offer once again at the end of the vetting process before the first trial session. I give them the option, walk cleanly, no harm, no foul. We stay friends, and move on. After the 3rd and final trial session, the offer is made the last time. Walk cleanly away, no harm, no foul. By this time, it is the end of the vetting process Now, we get serious.. Here is where the above teachings I have already posted come out. And as the submissives call it.. The "Game" begins... Enjoy darlings! ~Z
  3. The Wanna-Be's Darlings.. I write in great concern over some confusions that I have ran into with some close friends and with other submissives that have contacted Me over the behavior of those that Call themselves Dominants who just do not know their backsides from a hole in the ground. Yes, that is harsh. So is playing games with a person's Heart and feelings you twits! So let us clarify some things here. A REAL Dominant (Real life or Online) will have some specific behaviors that are noticeable... A good Dom is being cool, calm and collected. They must be able to operate under pressure, and to not get flustered easily. A good Dom/me will listen, care, make adjustments, discuss those with you, go back over them after a session to check on that adjustments. A good Dom/me will be straightforward in their dealings. They do this out of care, concern, and love for their charge. A good Dom/me nurture you, teach you, honor you, and cherish you for your accomplishments and your struggles. A good Dom/me be responsible in their dealings with you and others. Being fair in all things, for We the Dominants, know that no one is perfect. That is not the Goal, the Goal is to make our charges better them Us, teach they how to thrive, to excel, to reach for new heights and accomplish more than they thought they could. Now I already COVERED in FAKE Dom/Me https://3dxforum.com/index.php?/topic/15473-teachings-and-musing-of-a-retired-pro-dominatrix/&do=findComment&comment=450663 In specifics of how to see one, their behaviors, ABANDONMENT Ok sweet submissives.. So many of you wait in vain for asshats that have used you, tossed you into the land of forgetfulness and still you sit around and mope, not knowing what to do, where to go, and what options you have. Let us fix that, shall we? You are still aching from being abandoned, first you need to learn to exist on your own again. You need to be your own Dominant/boss again for a bit, remember that you do not need a Dominant. Start by blatantly breaking EVERY rules you ever had in the relationship. If you weren’t allowed to orgasm or touch yourself, go do that... NOW. If you were not allowed to use certain words, use them. ERASE your dumbass old Dominant’s influence on your life in EVERY WAY you can imagine, withing reason, get back to being in control of you. DO NOT LIE TO YOURSELF! ‘In his defense’ isn’t really a defense. It is AVOIDENCE by you submissive. The asshat left. Left you to your own to wallow around lost. Darlings, its ok to be MAD. It is ok to be angry! It is NOT ok to harm yourself. It is NOT ok to obsess thinking you will 'win' them back. There is no winning, They LEFT Honey, end of story. Nothing to claim, nothing to have, just nothing. I am so sorry that is a bit in your face, but some submissive lie to themselves and put themselves into the complete falsehood that they are at fault, or being tested, or need to be loyal when they return and the Dom has not sent a shred of contact to them. No info, no promises, just dead silence... Listen darlings, You want to know how The Relationship should be? you will find it here... https://3dxforum.com/index.php?/topic/15473-teachings-and-musing-of-a-retired-pro-dominatrix/&do=findComment&comment=450664 NOW, we have the important darlings taken care of that.. Let us talk about the absolute idiotic behavior I have seen some WannaBe's do. Fake Dom/me READ THIS FIRST... IF ANYTHING In here describe you... then YOU may want to slam on the brakes and get your head out of your ass, before you harm the heart that is willing to be with you. https://3dxforum.com/index.php?/topic/15473-teachings-and-musing-of-a-retired-pro-dominatrix/&do=findComment&comment=450663 What makes a Good Dominant... You will find My writings on this, from these posts THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE DOM/TOPS - https://3dxforum.com/index.php?/topic/15473-teachings-and-musing-of-a-retired-pro-dominatrix/&do=findComment&comment=450666 And THE RELATIONSHIP, both parts.. Part 1: https://3dxforum.com/index.php?/topic/15473-teachings-and-musing-of-a-retired-pro-dominatrix/&do=findComment&comment=450664 Part 2: https://3dxforum.com/index.php?/topic/15473-teachings-and-musing-of-a-retired-pro-dominatrix/&do=findComment&comment=450665 LETS also address a kind of Fetish (top) that I just.. H A T E The COLLECTOR... This kind of WannaBe is one of the WORST kind of a Fake Dom/me AND submissive. They have STABLES of people on 'collars' or 'collection of collars. Owning them with no work from themselves and no work to better the submissive that has mistakenly attach themselves to this person and their lies about being their 'special' one. This individual only cares about 1 thing. Themselves. They do NOT care for the harem they are creating. It is only about THEM and THEM only. More toys for the child to play with. IF you are a fetish'r, and like this. HEY have at it. If you are a submissive, caught in this harmful delusion of utter falsehood. Then you know the pain and damage this can cause... Be mindful darlings always, and do not be afraid to challenge. It is your GIFT, and you have the RIGHT to remove it from dumbasses any time you need. Be warned too, the Acceptance from the Dominant, also can be removed, at any time. So make sure you are doing your part, too. Toodles! ~Z
  4. DARLING! you need to come hunt me UP! I will look for you! MUAH!
  6. I am working on a rather huge post darlings... it is called THE TASKS... So bare with me the next few days as I get this all down. this... you will not find online. This is personal. It is the practice path that I perform for My chosen and those I teach.. each and every one...
  7. LABELLING/LABELS (Tops, Dom, Domme, bottoms, submissives) There is a thing, that a darling asked me about. When I began to examine it, I realized I had generalized some things about it. So I gave them a kiss, for their brilliance, and decided to expand on this topic. Labels. Society is so caught up in fast labels, so organize, categorize, and fit each and everything in its own sweet little pocket for easy processing. That it forgets... such things are not so easy to define. Let us take a long look at some things that are common in the Art(BDSM). It will surprise you what and whom can be these things... A top is someone who prefers to be the person in control during sex. Tops generally prefer to take a more active role in sex by acting as the person who penetrates, gives oral sex, or does other sexual acts. A top is the leader in giving a sexual action to the partner, (a.k.a. bottom) Being the top is a role that ANY can fulfill. It is NOT a determination of a specific role. A top may be leading in the sexual scene, but is only the giver. This role can be done by ANY of the members of the scene. An example is when my Husband and I make love, He tops Me. Yes, a Mistress can be topped. I know breaks what porn industry, fictional writes and the lies of Hollywood movies spread around. But, does not change the simple truth. He leads in our love making, I am his wife and I stay in the bottom position until he wishes us to Switch. A Dominant (both Dom/me) is an individual having a controlling, prevailing, or powerful position in a social hierarchy. A Dominant may be a Top, as most enjoy leading in sexual activities, directing their submissive(s), or leading in the sexual activity that is ongoing at the time. A Dominant may also be a bottom. Directing from the receiving position, their partners and/or submissive(s). A Dominant does not have to be a strong physical presence to be such. However having a strong Mental presence is essential. Being Loud is not being Dominant. Being demanding is not being Dominant. A submissive is one who enjoys having any of a variety of BDSM practices performed upon them by a "Dominant"; or one who holds a submissive position within a relationship based upon dominance and submission (Ds or D/s). Submissives can be tops. Submissives can be bottoms. NEVER MISTAKE that being a submissive means that person is weak MENTALLY or PHYSICALLY. It takes a VERY Confident person to understand their needs to submit to another. They have the strength of character to actually do it, as it is a CHOICE. Being brat is not being submissive. DO NOT mistake bratiness as the normal behavior for a submissive, it is actually quite the opposite. being a TRUE BRAT is a fantasy dream, while fits well in many things when it is a man/women. In RL, most of the time it comes across all wrong, and causes some strife. One of My own male submissive's was a nice man. I will call him Charlie, no as normal that is not his real name. But he actually was a man who served time in jail. He was a very large man, who had issues with authority. I was one of the most experienced Black Widows of the Coven house and I was asked by Head of Household to take him on. Now this was a man who you could tell by the scars on his body, had hurt people. Maybe even killed them, being a former special forces from Vietnam. He knew he needed help and regular therapy sessions were not taking hold with him. So.. I tried a.... different approach ^-. He caught the eye of our residential Amazon. Foxtrot, again a fake name to protect them both, and after his 90 days She put in the request to take him over from Me. Yeah those two kids hit it off so much.. They married, he has his own successful trucking company and are happy out west today, as he has a pretty thriving business. And in the background, His loving Domineering wife keeping him focused. ^- Bottoms are usually on the receiving end of sex, as opposed to the giving end. Meaning, they are the ones receiving the effort of the Top. Bottoms can be Dominants, or submissives Bottoms will never lead and are what we consider "head over heels" receiving all attention and effort. Bottoms can be loud. Bottoms can be demanding. You see, the clarifications of the roles shows what some understand and or call some things incorrectly. Tops are not Dominants, bottoms are not submissive's. D/s can be both according to the scene and how the wishes of the two play out. It is a dance of passions colliding and expanding those desires deep inside out for two of like mind, to share and to fulfill each other in their loving enjoyment. Until later darlings! Toodles! ~Z
  8. I am very pleased you are reading and learning. That is the goal, to help others understand. To make them aware, the Art(BDSM) is not some.. brutish thing. It is a Love affair between two.. becoming One. It is a thing of joy, love, exploration, excitement. Having kinks and fetishes are just a small part of the Art as a whole. I write these to help those that want know, how it all ties in. Toodles, ~Z
  9. The Loss You all know what I speak of, if you have experienced it. That sudden willful disappeared of one whom is so dear. Even as close as lovers. When suddenly just no word, poof, they are gone without another word. No reason why, no evidence if they existed at all... Some call it "Ghosting" I recently had a loved one of Mine experience this, and as usual there will be no real names used. But, I am not going talk about their experience in it.. I am going to share MY experience in it. From Real Life and not online. You see Ghosting can happen to you even in Life... We will call her Alpha for the sake of reference. I was the newest trained Domina at the Coven House. Each one is given a patron or submissive to attend to, care for, see to their needs. Well my first one assigned was this scrumptious little brunette, Alpha. she was very quiet, very reserved... well until I had her strap down licking on her.. Then, Oh let me tell you she was a wildcat in bed. Well over the summer, it was 1985 her and I became friends and lovers. Each day I would come to the House, and there was My little charge waiting so dutifully, doing her school work. She and I attended the same college, I was 2 years her senior. She was a quiet, reserved, and had her head on straight kind of a girl. She was my best friend, and My first. Over the next 12 weeks, twice a week, sometimes 3, as per our schedules, we would meet at the House or My apartment. She lived in the dorms on campus. You know how those first true loves go, do you not Dears/dears? Those you never forget? Well that was Us. It was one of the most happiest times of My life... ...And one of the most devastating. It was the week of thanksgiving, I went to the House for our first meeting of the week. To have our normal documented talk, check on her health, discussion of her needs/wants. The normal thing we did every week. Then we go off and make love like wildcats. Except, I pulled in and there was no Alpha... Well, I thought I am early, its cold, she may be inside where it is warm. I could not of been more wrong. I came in, and The head of sub's looked at me with a raised eyebrow and asked me.. Where was Alpha? That made me pause. The confusion must have been very evident as she went to her office and got her keys and marched immediately to the lockers. She found the master for Alpha's and open it. It was completely empty and clean. no outfits, no change of clothes, none of the normal required stuff that the House noted needs to be available... not even dust. I just stood there... looking in disbelief at the empty locker. The Head of Subs left to go to her office. In a few moments Sister Shana and her submissive came into the room.. She latched her arms around me and said nothing and just held Me. Her submissive wrapped herself around My leg and clung to me as if her life depended on it. I do not know how long I stood there.. Before the first cries came from My lips. She was gone. I knew it before Head of Subs had called all the contact numbers, and even had tried to post money to her bank account which no longer existed, came and told Me. I wailed like My heart was ripped from Me. Master Samuels and Mr. Ed (head of security for the Coven house and other Houses in the area) came in some time later. Sister Claire and her husband submissive had taken me to his waiting room and office. Her submissive really liked Me. but that is another story ^-. Mr. Ed did a full check on her.. Checking with the local college, and with his contacts at the police department. I.. was lost. In my grief I began to blame myself. What did I do wrong? Did I harm her? Did I miss something? Was I being a good Mistress to her and seeing to all of her needs? Where did I screw up? "You didn't", was the words from My Master as He stood at the door of My bungalow apartment. He came over and sat with me and I began bawling again asking him to forgive me for failing him. He just held Me in Love and let me cry myself out. Then the man who was like My second father, petted me.. My head in his lap.. And told Me, "you did nothing wrong. These things happen, for unknown reasons. Be it a part of their heart they kept hidden even from themselves. Be it a person who delights in harming others (troll), or be it family whom they have run back to in fear. We do not know why these events happen, we simply know, they do. You did nothing wrong, My angel. This to, will pass, but you cannot blame yourself. You need to let go of that pain... learn from it... and realize that all you can do is your best, be yourself, and seek another who wishes to learn and to be saved, as I taught you to be." I will remember those exact words to My dying day. It took me 10 days to return to the house... I was given Dungeon Master duty for the next 2 weeks. it’s a bit of a boring post.. But I was grateful for it. The other subs avoided me like the plague. They had seen it before.. The pain. My confidence in myself was gone... I was broken. Sitting in the recovering room, which had beds, and large couches and super nice huge tv, I sat mostly watching it at night. Alone. It was like day 5... and I was just there.. I had been quietly crying.. And not realizing I had been... when a big huge hand pulled up my blanket. It was Delta(another fake name to protect the man whom it was), He was Sister Claire's husband and submissive.. And let me tell you all this was a BIG man in ALL ways. He had gotten out of the shower, stop by the house because it was closer than their home from the stadium. Claire was out of town for work. He was in some shorts and socks.. His upper torso was exposed. And he laid down, put his head in my lap snuggling up to My breast and wrapped his arms around Me.. I was about to protest at his forwardness! He was the submissive of My Sister! To touch another Dom/me submissive without permission!? Let us say the penalty for that was pretty severe dears, up to and including getting your ass tossed out of the house and fired. Before I could say anything.. He said to me... "She said to tell you... you are our Family. we got you.. I got you. and so long as we breath, we are sisters to the end." You talk about crying... holy hell darlings.. I was a mess. My hands just began stroking and petting him, like they had a mind of their own. But it was calming. When he breathed out it like being under a dragon as it exhaled.. I wrapped My legs around his massive form and pulled his head to my tits and unbutton My blouse and let him lay on my bare skin and held him. As others were coming from the room they found us both laying there... He was asleep.. And I held him all night right there until he had to leave the next morning for practice. Each day after that.. the subs made it a point to come get petted when I was doing My Dungeon Master duty. Pain, is something we all experience in life. If that pain is driving you away from those you love. do not hide it inside. You are not alone as you may think. Please, be brave for Love's sake and reach out to let those that do love you, in. Or if you need help of ANY kind with what you are feeling, be it depressed, lost, hyper, unable to control your own thoughts.. Call the National Mental Health Hotline | 866-903-3787 . Never forget you are worth saving.. You are worthy of being loved. This incident made me into the Romantic Mistress that I became and was sought after by so many. While I did lose more from Ghosting in Real life, It became easier, by the third time I knew I had done nothing wrong. I cared for the dear as best as I could, and life had taken them to another place. So I learned to pray for them and let them go. For the sake of My own Heart. Then I would go back.. See whom had their arms outstretch an crying for help in the dark... Until next time Darlings and darlings, MissZee Member of AscENsION Unity Member ~retired Domina
  10. I am debating on a couple of topics and one circumstance I found about indirectly. All good topics to discuss/share. Let me check with some dears/Dears and see what they are comfortable with. If not. I will posted something else ^- Until then!
  11. Attainable Happiness... What does that mean for you? Here is a little blog, one of My formers who came to Me, crying, and shows the Truth of the Path that we walk with Our charges. Torn of her heart for the Commitment and love of her Mistress, and the new heart that Love brought into her Real Life... This is very personal, so excuse My tears of happiness, as this is a page directly from My Memoirs that I will treasure unto the grave. This is more than a duty of a Mistress, this is watching the fulfillment of training, watching the Flower that we planted together, to sprout and bloom, watered by Love... to answer this question. ((Wednesday, November 11, 2020 09:21 AM To Ms Zee, What to say here... I have no words right now, my eyes still red and wet, bright with the tears, but my smile also in my lips... I met you long ago, and I found joy in your company, your words... for a moment I thought I would be yours, but Life came between us, and it couldn't be. Not long before that, I had to depart from RLC, and focus on my health and my nurturing from wounds both here and outside here. But I came back... and you found me again, just when I was more in need, when I couldn't expect anything else from this virtual world. You put aside all you had between your hands, and gave me a home... You cared for me, you guided me, you taught me things about me and life I couldn't even know... I felt my heart break in pieces when I met a point where I had to decide, to choose, between being yours, or to follow the call of love... Never felt like that before, I was not running away from something bad, I was only following my Heart calling me... just as you taught me. And you was so generous to let me go, with a smile, leading me where my heart wanted me to go. Thank you for having being my Mistress... and for having allowed me be yours for an instant in our lives. I know I lose a Mistress, the best I ever had. But I know also I earned a friend, and that, still makes me smile. I will carry you in my heart always. Thank you for your time, and your love. I wish someday you find what I just found... Signed, (Name removed to protect the privacy of the person) )) ...To receive such.. As a Dominant, as a Teacher... words cannot express how proud I was of My chosen at that time. Can you see what is attainable, using the Art(BDSM) to help a darling to removed that which they stumble over? In this case I got the darling to release the pain that was left inside of her, due to a terrible relationship. One that left a mental scar on her heart. Working on her slowly, I began to teach her the Truth. From inside of her heart, and through patience, love, effort, and more than a few tasks. Make no mistake, such pains from deep inside can poison the soul, just as surely as an infected would can in Real Life. I address these.. Drawing out the pain through Control, using My Domination, to bring forth the willingness of the heart to learn.. To recognize the pain inside of them, and to not hide from it, or cling to it like a war banner... But through Love, and patience, stand with them, softly take it from their willing hands and cast it away with them. This is done through effort of being their Dominant, of doing the position Justice. The Responsibilities of the Top is not just words darlings, it is a way that I live My life with My chosen, or those that I have been ask to heal through Consultation. It is what made Me very popular in Real Life. I do not do this to be popular, in all actuality I am reserved, I stay to the shadows. I do not advertise whom I am, or what I have done. IF I have done it correctly.. Only I, and the one whom I have helped will ever know... This is My way. So, can you use the Art(BDSM) to have Attainable Happiness? Yes you can. Remember it takes the lessons I have laid out here. The communications, the commitment, the patience, and the Love... You see there is a Rule about Love... Love never takes, it only knows to Give. For it is not the Love of another that changes you... It is your own Love, fed by their Love, that demands the change... This is a key that many do not understand, fail to realize the simplistic truth, or mistake it for physical attraction. Love acts, Love moves, Love comforts, Love protects. A good Dominant will help you get past your hang ups in life. If you are willing, like all relationship, and put for the true effort of your heart, you too can work with your D/S relationship to help you remove your hang ups, issues, and focus in life. As a consultant I helped many, some couples, some individuals to do this very thing. Slowing a Dear or a dear down, getting them to focus. Getting them to realize their bad habits, giving their stress a focus that will be an outlet for it. Even getting some balance inside of their life. You can have Attainable Happiness. You have simply to have faith in yourself... in your heart... in the trust you give each other. Remember the lessons of the Relationship. Remember the Duties of each. Hold to them in your Heart, perform them, not for the sake of self... But, for the Love of the other. Happiness is a choice you make for yourself... and then, and only then, can you share it with others. ^- Until later Dears and dears... Toodles, ~Z
  12. I am researching a request from a Dear.. so be expecting more in a day or so Dears and Dears. ^-
  13. And here is the rather large, heavily worked on-condense version to demystify what is called the AGREEMENT/CONTRACT. Once again Dears and dears, this is NOT the bible it is simply a guide written from My experience as a RL Domme, to provide some basic understanding of this important article that is cruicial if you want to get really in depth. One of My normal RL contracts, I think the smallest was 59 pages, and the largest was over 195 pages. This is due to all the things in the request/assignment that needed to be gone over, yes even the legal and money stuff Dears/dears. Online I use a simply contract, it starts out at about 9 pages. My current chosen, with all of our talks that we do each day and sessions, aftercare and discussions of the scene, has one that is about ohhh.. 15 pages currently. I will not be sharing the whole thing, as it has a LOT of personal data about her in it. I will pull some of it to allow you all to see pieces that will be about some of the things posted here for example/reference use only. Now... let us get into it, Shall We? A BDSM contract contains what both parties will and won’t do. It clearly spells out the roles expected for each person and what these involve. It will also explain a sub’s availability: is this part-time, long distance, 24/7, or total power exchange? Other things that are good to have listed in it are the start date, and how long the relationship will last. It can be mostly sexual, or include emotional and physical aspects. Here is a list of other topics to include: BDSM Safe words BDSM Rules Hard and Soft Limits BDSM Punishments Some example of rules I can share from My online contract with My chosen... This contract is written in the express interest of the acquisition, collection, training, and ownership of the hereto mentioned individual XXXXX_XXXXXX. This is based on the request and desire of said parties to enter into joint conditions of Online ownership and slavery in the Online Worlds. This documentation, thenceforth to be called the “Contract” is to outline the boundaries, stages, and successions of this agreement to the mutual benefit of both outline parties which will be called “Domina”, Mistress Zee (a.k.a. XXXXXXX), as her player at the time of her retirement of Mistress status within her former circle, and the in game “slave”, XXXXX-XXXXXX.  ((PERSONAL IDENTIFICATION ITEMS/PARAGRAPHS REMOVED)) SAFE WORDS Here is the insert I have for Us over these. Now Safe words are used to stop scenes when SAFETY for one, or both, the Dom/me-sub are struggling, limits reached, violations of agreement, etc. WHEN they occur. EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING stops... the scene is at its end. Care is given immediately to the one who stated the safe word. And Darlings/darlings DO NOT run off, CLING to each other and talk. I mean REALLY talk! You just called a halt to a entire scene. It happens. But, you better have a damn good reason, or you will start to build animosity with your partner fast. If something simple is wrong, try talking first. Once a Safe Word kills a scene, with Me, that is the end of the day. Period. nothing else will be done as that Care will continue for the rest of the day. Example.. Safe Words  Here in are the following safe words to be used by both the Domina and slave to signify stoppage of any scene. At the stoppage of any scene the following will be adhere to by both parties…  Talking about the scene/being quiet  Cuddling/time together/alone time  Leaving cleanup for later/putting away tools immediately  Domina Safe Word: XXXXXXXXXX  Slave Safe Word: XXXXXXX BDSM Rules Here is some examples of some rules/expectations I have (these are not all but enough to get the idea) Expectations of the slave to the Domina (Regardless of Collar Rank) The slave will be taught proper etiquette in responses, positions, and mannerism that are expected by the Domina while in her presence. Including proper conduct, when not in the presence of the Domina, as the slave behavior will reflect to the Domina who is fully responsible for the slave behavior in game. The slave agrees that their body belongs to the Domina while online, to be used as seen fit, within the guidelines defined.  The slave agrees to please the Domina to the best of their ability, in that they now exist solely for the pleasure of said Domina while online. The slave WILL be engaged, by the Domina, in the following activities...  Caressing while kneeling/sitting at the feet or lap of the Domina. Open chat and verbal exchange, which may involve cuddling.  Sexual contact which can include kissing, touching and fondling as forms of reward for proper fulfillment of assigned duties or proper behavior. Also that can include more indulgent sexual content in the fulfillment role at later stages. The slave agrees to submit completely to the Domina in all ways while online. There are no boundaries of place, time, or situation in which the slave may willfully refuse to obey the directive of the Domina without risking punishment, except in situations where the Articles of Refusal apply. The slave WILL fully submit to the Domina all aspects of her online persona in-game. This does not however include the following…  Earned in game currency of any kind  Awarded prizes (not given by the Domina) Won or discovered items of rare or unique value  The slave will submit their time, energy and persona to the whim of the Domina.  This includes their online body, the use of them as party member in instances, adventuring, and/or social events. Such events can include..  Dance parties  meetings  Social gatherings Social events This is to be while the Domina is online. When the Domina is not online the mentioned slave is classified to FREE status and may conduct and enjoy herself to her fulfillment save for the following conditions…  The slave may not seek any other Dom/Domina(s), lover(s) or relate to others in any sexual or submissive way without the Domina’s permission. To do so will be considered a breach of contract, and will result in immediate termination of service.  The slave may not dishonor, or disrespect the Domina’s or members of the Sisterhood. Nor may the slave conduct themselves in like manner that would discredit the Domina, or Her House. Furthermore the slave agrees to answer any and all questions asked by the Domina freely, promptly, and to the best of her knowledge. The slave further agrees to volunteer any information that the Domina should know regarding the slave's physical or emotional state. The Domina agrees to never use this information to harm slave in any way, as all such information is needed to evaluate the emotional health and wellbeing of the slave. Examples of HARD/SOFT limits These can include anything that the submissive or the Dom/me question, do not practice, or find outside their Limit levels. For instance, My chosen and I both deplore Scat/pee play of any kind. This is a limit that we both agree on and no scene shall this be allowed, mentioned, or indulged in ANY way. Now. Understand this is a serious conversation that you have One to one, and MAKE NOTES. Then make sure both sets of notes agree to what is said. These are good starting points for future conversations and paths as the relationship expands. NOTE: include your boundaries on whether or not either of you can have other partners, or practice consensual non-monogamy. Now PUNISHMENTS... Here is an example from My contract with My chosen so you can see several things... Punishments is dealt through the Role play, at the discretion of the Domina. For some infractions, if severe, the Domina may penalize the slave with loss of time with the Domina which the slave will be placed in a time out and not allowed to address or speak to the Domina for a set time relative to the nature of the infraction. The Domina will not speak to, or address the slave while in this state, nor may the slave be allowed in the company of the Domina or her court/lover. This time will be no less than 4 hours and will be no more than 8 hours per violation.  On the third such punishment of "loss of time", the Domina may opt to move to possible termination phase of the contract. Now let us talk about What not to include in a BDSM contract One of the biggest mistakes I see couples make is to try to include every rule they have in their dynamic. This can go bad for several reasons. First off, if a submissive slips from their role and says or does something disrespectful, they could use the excuse that what they did or said wasn’t specifically mentioned in the contract. This can also be a sign of topping from the bottom. Sweet subs.. if you do the OOPSY, man/woman up, take your meds, and move on. Simple. Trying to top of the bottom WILL bite you in the ass, and NOT in the nice way you wish. Dom/me do not become overwhelmed in the clerical documentation of each thing. This is because they will have to add and update the document as new rules are added or taken away. It’s much easier if your written agreement focuses more on the broader rules of your dynamic and the overall principles of each person’s roles. So what do you do instead with all of those everyday rule changes and adaptations? Something you can do is create a separate note or shared task list. This can contain each individual rule you are currently working on. That way the Dom/me-sub contract becomes more like a guide of your relationship, and doesn’t get easily broken/misunderstood. There has been debate in the Houses/Community about who these written agreements are best for. Beginners in BDSM are sometimes reluctant to create one because they think they are just for hardcore veterans. While advanced relationships sometimes believe they are only useful for new Paths. Truthfully, both experience levels benefit greatly from using a traditional power exchange document. This gives beginners a way to start the kink conversation with their partner. Learning their likes and dislikes. Where advanced Dom/me's and subs can use this tool to stay on track with the lifestyle in their relationship. This will help them to stay out of the dreaded “rut” that can sometimes happen. Many times when a long-term D/s relationship is starting to fall apart, one of the biggest reasons I have found is because the couple stopped using a contract. Or worse: they never even had one to begin with. If you are a beginner or more advanced, do yourself a favor and your Chosen/chosen one by taking time to create one. A semi decent site is https://bdsmcontracts.org under their FREE, which you can tune to your specifications. As with all things Dears and dears, this is a guide only. If you want to discussion or have any questions, feel free to reach out to Me and I will try My best to answer, or help you find the answer. Until later! ~Z
  14. Meaning to the Structure BDSM is an acronym that stands for Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism. It’s an umbrella term that is used to describe a sexual practice involving physical control, psychological power, or pain. It typically includes the components of bondage and discipline, domination and submission, or sadism or masochism. Bondage is any type of consensual activity in BDSM that consists of restraining your partner in some shape or form. This could include the use of ropes, handcuffs, Japanese rope bondage, or Shibari, mental bondage, the use of collars, and gags, as well as breast and genital binding. Discipline during BDSM play is when the dominant partner “punishes” the submissive partner for breaking the “rules”. This is often done to teach their sub “proper” behavior so they can become better at submitting. In this type of relationship, consent is also used, as the submissive has given consent to the dominant prior to this arrangement. While a sub may be disciplined for mistakes they have made, some submissives may break the rules on purpose because they desire punishment. Sadomasochism is a term that combines both sadism and masochism. Sadism gets its name from the Marquis de Sade (1740–1814), who was a sadist, libertine, and writer famous for literary fantasies featuring acts of graphic sexual cruelty, including “The 120 Days of Sodom”. Sadism is an eroticized form of sexual torture, and a sadist derives pleasure and sexual gratification from inflicting pain, humiliation, or erotic punishments on others. Masochism gets its name from Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (1836–1895), a writer also famous for novels containing descriptions of his masochistic fantasies, including his most famous “Venus in Furs”. Masochism describes the desire to experience pain as a form of sexual gratification, and a masochist enjoys some forms of pain or humiliation. It is important to note, just because one enjoys one type of pain, such as erotic spanking, they may not enjoy all types of pain. An individual may enjoy pain without humiliation and vice versa. There are also degrees and limits to an individual’s preferences for pain, or pain tolerance as well. One may like light spanking or cruel hard punishment with a cane. With S/M there are always limits and boundaries that must be respected. Now that we have covered the Basics of the Art, let's get a bit more deeper. Inside the Art is what is called the Union. This is a representation of the relationships between Disciplines (those things that can be taught) and Fetish (primal urges that are personal choices of the individual). The Flow goes like this... BONDAGE --> Fetish DOMINATION --> Discipline SADOMASOCHISM --> Fetish MASOCHISM --> Discipline Yes, believe it or not, Domination and Masochism are a trainable skill set that people can learn. Bondage and Sadomasochism are personal preferences that people choose. That is a little bit Eye opening for most when you start breaking down the structures. There is a cause/effect that also works in the Relationship of the Art as it is applied. It goes like this... You cannot have a Fetish without a Discipline. You cannot have a Discipline without a Fetish. Sounds Oxymoronic a touch, no? Let me put it into this perspective. You have an individual that enjoys BONDAGE, yet also is Masochist. So, in theory, without ever touching them with any hand held object, never dominating them or striking them to inflict pain in any form, you can meet the needs of this person. Simply by applying the Bondage, in positions, equipment, tools, toy, etc. That will begin to slowly enter them into the Masochism that is their end goal. This is their fix, that need to inspire them to sexual stimulation. Each bondage scene, devices can be manipulated slowly to allow the individual to experience the pain, that they are wishing to be taught to turn into sexual pleasure. Within the Union is the "Sets". The "Sets" are simply logical flow of the Art in all its forms. Bondage leads into Domination Domination leads into Sadomasochism Sadomasochism leads into Masochism Masochism leads to Bondage These are what are called 4 "Sets", which is commonly known. What is unknown is that the relationship of the Art is not Linear, but is done by association of one Science to the other. Remember the rule above, you have to have at least 1 Fetish, working with 1 Discipline and Vice/Versa. You can have 3 or all 4 in this relationship using all forms of the Art, but you must have 1 of each to tie the structure together to provide a proper flow and balance. I.e.: You cannot have Domination and Masochism, two disciplines working together. For the Art to enlighten the sexual experience a fetish has to be the go between, or the tie that BINDS the two together. If there is No Bondage, then there is no tie for the Domination to make control the Masochism. If there is no Sadomasochism, then there is no receptacle for the Masochism to receive the Domination. People get out of sync, and things get one sided when this balance is not adhered to. This can happen both to the Individual in the Relationship Path AND to the Couple as a whole. Too Much on X versus not enough of Y, with Z not relating to A and folks trying to brute force the relationship, on both sides, doing more harm than good. So, understanding this basic you can now begin to see how the relationship of the Union actually is. So when you have that feeling that something is missing in your relationships of the Art, with your Dom/me, or with your submissive. Stop, think a moment and make sure you have some balance in your relationship. Too much of one, cancels out the other. To understand how to maintain that balance, read My blog about The Relationship (parts 1 and 2). As with all things Dears and dears, these are here not as a bible, but as the sharing of experiences from a woman who has been there, done that, and has the negligee to prove it. So until later Darlings and darlings, I am working on the rather Massive topic of "The Contract". That will take Me a couple of days to put together. Toodles, ~Z
  15. Are there structures or Rankings, in 'collars'? ABSOULTELY! (and yes Dears and dears I misspelled it on purpose.) You see each should have an attainable rank and file system to help their chosen to gauge their accomplishments. To give you an example I have the following, when I practiced RL.. Badge of Inquisitive - The badge of Inquisitive is a ‘protected’ status given to those who are curious and wish to learn more of the teachings, methods, and philosophy of the Domina. This signifies a learning stage at which time the said subject will not be touch, confined, or subjugated in any way. However, the holders of such badges are responsible for their actions and must maintain complete mannerism at all times.   Badge Holders are not allowed physical contact to the Domina, or the current submissive She is in session with.    If a holder of a badge fails to maintain mannerism or objectivity, the badge will be revoked by the Domina, and the subject excused from service and the presence of the Domina and House.   Collar of the First - The collar of consideration is the first step into actual servitude. This collar signifies a willing subject vying for the honorific of the designation of submissive. The duties of position will also include proper greetings for the Domina, her Lover/Friends, other members of the House and/or any Online community, and any appropriate staff of said entity.  Collar of the Initiate – This collar signifies more direct and personal training of the Domina to the submissive. In this configuration the "slave" has been taken for full training by the Domina.  The slave will enter a period of advance training, to include sexual scene conducted in private with the Domina only. In these sessions the slave will be subjected to new sexual scenarios which will include fulfillment, bondage, S&M scenarios at the discretion of the Domina.    Collar of Acceptance(Ownership) – this collar is awarded by the Domina on satisfactory completion of training of etiquette, mannerism, protocols of conduct, including all proper private sexual scenarios.  This also may lead to the honorific of being asked by the Domina to become Her "Live In', literally moving in with the Domina in question to live with her 24/7. This is, of course at the discretion of the Domina, in accordance to Her wishes.
  16. Submissive behavior types Now HERE is a fun little topic, more of a type/mindset that some submissives get into. Now understand, this is NOT an all inclusive list, but some types I have ran into, or had experience with when I was Frontline or Consulting for others who were having relationship problems in the D/s relationships... Enjoy ^- Submissives Behaviors Now, let us talk about this specifically. This is a questions I get asked about a lot, on what is and is not acceptable. Well Dears and dears, that is a discussion you need to have with your Chosen. You see each person has their own 'taste' of behaviors that a submissive possess/act upon. I have My own, which may not match what, say Sister Synful, Sister Hot, or Sister Cablina desire. So what I will give is a synopsis of some traits and some information to help when you are seeking the One or if you are the One searching for the one. Understand this is just a small list of some behaviors, it is not all inclusive... Submissive Brat A brat submissive will not seem obedient or all that submissive from the outsider’s point of view. However, a closer look shows how this type of submissive likes to push buttons–but it’s all done in play. **NOTE: be VERY careful of this kind of behavior dears, Most Dom/me's do NOT like this kind of behavior.** Understand in doing this style the brat objective is to get attention from their partner, who is often known as a brat tamer. For a brat, this attention is the ultimate reward. Service Sub This is one of the most common types of submissives, service subs are all about performing tasks for their dominant partners. Serving can take on practical elements such as chores, errands, etc. However, service subs are also expected to service their partners sexually, and may need to perform tasks in a specific way. Acting as human furniture, kneeling, or dressing their dominant are all examples that are more unique to service submission or BDSM. Submissive Princess A submissive princess generally wants to be adored and worshipped. Only then will she surrender control to her dominant. It’s not because she doesn’t respect her partner; she simply thinks highly of herself. This, for a submissive, can be a dangerous and lonely choice. Some Dom/me enjoy this kind of behavior, while personally Myself, I loathe it. To Me, this is "Topping from the bottom", and is a VERY DANGEROUS gamble by the submissive. The Bottom (Fetish) Bottoms receive stimulation, but it may only last for a session. Often, bottoms enjoy sensation but aren’t submissive, so they’re not interested in D/s relationships or taking orders. "Slave" A slave never stops being a submissive and turns over all control to their partner. Slaves are typically involved in 24/7 or total power exchange relationships. This is the level of dedication they show to their One at all times. The Slave behavior can involve, but are not solely explicit to the following... Asking permission – to masturbate, cum, eat, speak, or use the bathroom are all very common Obeying orders – both explicit and implicit. This requires attentiveness and attunement between the slave and their Master/Mistress. Surrendering control – completely. (Period, in ALL things) Being sexually available – at all times. The Pet Pets can include pony-girls and boys, pups, kitties, and more. They act like and bond with their owners similar to animals. Each pet sub type has its own norms and expectations, so keep that in mind as you read more about this type of submission. Behaviors for Pet Submissive can be... Wearing costumes/accessories – collars, harnesses, ears, tails, muzzles, riding gear, leather or fur gear, etc. Posing/moving – on all fours, on a leash, while connected to a hitching post, etc. Drinking/eating – out of a dish, water bowl, etc. Obeying – takes simple commands that are commonly given to animals, including responding to riding crops, etc. Sleeping – in a kennel, at the edge of the bed, on the floor, etc. Making animal noises – neighing, meowing, barking, or pawing Cleaning themselves – licking themselves, even if it’s only pretend Playing – with balls or other toys, pets would enjoy My-Dom-Can-Do-No-Wrong Submissive This type of sub is less about how a submissive acts with or toward their Dom/me than they do around other people. This type of sub assumes their Dom/me has all the experience and knowledge in the world. This view can come from the sub’s own lack of inexperience or naivety. Sometimes the Dom/me is inexperienced, too. Think of this as a type of new relationship energy–it’s exciting but can be misguided. People with this type of submissive personality are sometimes annoying. Traits of This Type of Submissive.. Talking about their Dom/me's – incessantly and retelling stories about the Dom/me's Devoting themselves – entirely to their partners Withholding opinions – or taking on their Dom/me’s opinion Disregarding other’s arguments – without an inordinate body of “proof” If you are worried that this submissive type can fall prey to abusive people, you are absolutely correct. This works as long as the dominant treats the sub well, but a submissive can easily ignore red flags and find themselves victimized and in dangerous situations. The character Anastasia Steele of the Fifty Shades novels is almost a textbook example of this sub type. A good Dom/me will strive to educate and get their submissive out of this 'delusion' ASAP. Slaver-Than-Thou You won’t need to guess if someone is this type of sub because they’ll come right out and tell you. They’re a 24/7 submissive–or slave– and think everyone else should be, too. Otherwise, people aren’t true submissives. Examples of The Slaver-Than-Thou Submissive Type.. Disliking being called a submissive – and not a slave (remember Dears and dears. The term 'slave' is used in the Art *BDSM* to describe devotion of a submissive. It is NOT a noun.) Proclaiming 24/7 submission best – loudly and often. Often viewing themselves as more submissive and sacrificing more than others Avoiding safe words – because they believe “true submissives” should not have one. They may not set one at all As will all things Dears and dears, all of this is taken from My Memoirs and My years of experience. Also note, this is the view of Myself, a former RL Dominatrix. Please us as information from a Source, and not a bible. Research, ask questions, discuss with others. Discuss with your Chosen/chosen, and decide what is best for you and them. This is simply information to help clarify things others may run across in their pursuit of knowledge... Until Later ^- ~Z
  17. The responsibility of the Sub (part 2) What is the responsibility of the submissive? Here are some basics... always put their Dom/me first. They are willingly His/Her property and their guiding objective is to serve them. act with grace and humility, performing their duties efficiently, with minimal fuss. be mindful and work with purpose. They should not let their mind wander or get caught out by losing focus. be available to do their Dom/me’s bidding when they need them. be respectful and not talk back to their Dom/me. Some Dom/me will only let their submissive speak after permission is asked for. Some will allow freedom, either way is correct so long it is in the articles of the Contract. be clear on their duties, and ask their Dom/me for clarity if unsure. Communication is key to any relationship dears. work to improve their service whenever possible, refining the skills they need to get the job done. For example, if their Dom/me enjoys a massage, they should take instruction or watch YouTube videos to improve their technique, also a simple guide book will be a boon to them. never put themselves in harm’s way, or do anything they morally object to, or is illegal. If your Dom/me is putting you in these types of situations, it’s time to break the dynamic and have a talk. What are a submissive’s duties? That can include the following... Carrying out chores. Their Dom/me sets for them tasks to do during the day, either in person or remotely via text message. The submissive should carry out those tasks within an acceptable time limit and to a high standard. Providing sexual services. A submissive is responsible for providing their Dom/me with sexual pleasure. This might mean the submissive actively engaging to make their Dom/me orgasm through manual or oral stimulation, or simply be an object available to be used as a sex toy. Performing rituals. A ritual is a sequence of activities performed to highlight submission to a submissive’s Dom/me. Examples of rituals might be texting their Dom/me ‘Good morning’ every day, cock-warming him daily, or worship ceremonies where great lengths are taken to worship the Dom/me by kneeling or adopting submissive poses. As will all things Dears and dears, all of this is taken from My Memoirs and My years of experience. Also note, this is the view of Myself, a former RL Dominatrix. Please use as information from a Source, and not a bible. Research, ask questions, discuss with others. Discuss with your Chosen/chosen, and decide what is best for you and them. This is simply information to help clarify things others may run across in their pursuit of knowledge... Until Later ^- ~Z
  18. The responsibility of the Sub (part 1) Now, clinically and technically speaking, (Flexing My BA here in Psychology and some medical/webster terminology to describe), in human sexual behavior, a "submissive" is one who enjoys having any of a variety of BDSM practices performed upon them by a "Dominant"; or one who holds a submissive position within a relationship based upon dominance and submission (Ds or D/s). This enjoyment can spring from a simple desire for submission or an enjoyment of the interplay of wills involved in such a scenario. A submissive is also referred to as a 'sub', where the dominant in a D/s relationship is the 'Dom/me.' The main difference between a submissive and a bottom is that the submissive ostensibly does not give instructions, although s/he does set limits on what the Dominant can do. There are also indications that submissive's substantially outnumber Dominants, in both males and females. Professional Dominants provide stimulatory services (which may or may not include sex) for those unable to find a compatible partner for this activity. In many BDSM communities, there is a distinction between a submissive and a sub-slave devotion. In this context, a sub-slave's goal is surrender and obedience willingly. In contrast, a submissive tends to expect some gratification in return for his or her submission. In a broader context, a submissive is one who needs to give most or all authority over his or her life to a dominant, who will protect, guide, and nourish the submissive. Such a D/s relationship need not include other BDSM practices, and is not necessarily limited to sexual behavior. Natural submitters are strong relaters who need and may seek the deepest intimacy in personal relationships. Submitters can be placed on a spectrum of natural submitters, natural submitters with victimization traits, and full-fledged victims, who may or may not be natural submitters. Offers to submit may be either passive, as in yielding or surrendering, or active, as in gifting or offering, just as the common verb can be either yielding to, or presenting to another.
  19. The Responsibilities of the Top Now, this is something I placed up a long time ago, it is from My Memoirs of the ceremony of collaring between Myself and one of My live-ins at the time. I am going to break each one down, so it is understandable of what these mean, and the meaning of the Articles of Responsibility that Dom/me should always adhere to. Again, Dears and dears, this is set here so that you can discuss, see how Life is, and apply that knowledge to yourselves and your relationships. Remember, if you have questions feel free to contact Me, or post here and I will do My best to answer your questions. I. I accept your desire to serve Me. I acknowledge and accept with all My heart the Gift of submission you have made to Me. (Vow: Acceptance of the Chosen. This is the Dom/me acceptance of the submissives chosen.) Notice the word, "Gift", here. When a submissive gives themselves to a Dom/me that transfer of power is what is called the "Gift". Now understand, the Gift has some serious structures and attachments to it. Never forget, as a Top, this is the power of the submissive, that they have surrendered. Never FORGET, it is something that can be removed by that same submissive, should you take advantage of it, or neglect it. Even in RLC, this stings, in RL, I can tell you it is devastating. As a Top, you must keep in your mind, to be WORTHY of this gift... always. II. I will love you, nurture you, teach you, honor you, cherish you and take care of you with all that I am. now this is pretty self-explanatory. But it is important to outline the boundaries of the Soul/Heart to the 'one'. It is not a mushy thing, I assure you. It is part of what is called the "Path". The Path, is the beginning of the relationship between the One to the one, and the one to their One. Affirmation for the submissive to clarify, the importance of their Gift to their Chosen. III. I acknowledge the trust you have placed in Me and the responsibility that goes with My acceptance of that trust. This is a statement for affirmation of the Dom/me to the submissive. This is not just words dear, this is the directive that seals part of the Core of the Responsibilities. IV. I accept responsibility for your physical and emotional well-being, and I promise to protect and care for you, to be consistent in My Dominance, and to love you with all My heart. NOTICE, this is literal darlings. Being a submissive is STRESSFUL. Being a Dom/me is STRESSFUL. WATCH out for EACH OTHER. Your submissive as usual will suffer a lot of stress, most of these are self-inflicted, but as their Dom/me you can give them focus. But never forget too, that you as Dom/me can get overwhelmed too. IT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE.... Once... As a consultant, who specialized in Relationship stress, I was kept busy over this. It was a 50/50 both sides split on how much this can get into a relationship, becomes ignored by both sides and it will build and build. Until something... breaks. Most times tragically if it is not addressed. Check out My blog on "The Relationship" for some simple things you can do to keep things Real, and down to earth. Remember this is something to enjoy. Notice the order... RESPONSIBLE FOR physical and emotional wellbeing. PROTECT and CARE for the 'one'. Never allow yourself to be complacent, never ever think things will sort themselves out Dears... because KARMA is a bitch, and she takes no prisoners.. V. I promise to you that I will at all times honor your feelings and needs. I will always provide for you as well as keep you safe, happy and free from harm. Talk to your to your 'one', be their friend, be their confidant, EARN that each day, and you will watch a heart bond itself to you and blossom. This is like dating and marriage Dears and dears, you get out of it what you put into it. And as Dom/me You lead Dears. And never be afraid to be the Bulldog in the corner where it comes to Your charge, so long as they wear your collar. This is comforting to your 'one', but do not confuse Protection with Control. Allow them to be them, in their time. Allow them flourish under your guidance. Be the friend first, Lead in love, and not with an iron fist. VI. I promise to hold you and protect you, to stretch you and give you flight, to take responsibility for your training and your growth. This is a polite way of basically stating, better buckle up Butter Cup, it's going to be a bumpy ride! Seriously this is the part a submissives wants. it is in their core have it from You as their Chosen. Hell who would not want this from their One? VII. This collar is a visible symbol of our commitment and by its wearing you are safe to be everything that you are and can be. It is an expression of My desire for you, a reminder that I honor and respect you, and a commitment to meet My responsibilities of being the Dominant force in your life. And just like marriage darlings, this leads you both down the Path. What you make of the Path is between you both. Understand, each groups trip down the Path will be different. No two are alike. VIII. I will endeavor to be open-minded enough to learn new things and strong enough to grow. In times of trouble, to be a supportive friend and partner. Through the best and the worst, the difficult and the easy, whatever may come I will always be there. Remember Dears... this statement is the most important of all. We as Tops, must earn the Gift each day. You can, simply by remember this one Item of Responsibility. Because if you do not.... Do not be surprised that what you thought was fine, suddenly surprises you with something all Dom/me have to face and learn from, the Gift being taken away... So forewarned is forearmed. Never take the heart that graces you with the Gift lightly... Until next time, Dears and dears... ~Z
  20. The Relationship, Part 2 Talk about your sexual boundaries: Be clear about your desires, and what you like and don’t like. Get comfortable talking about and expressing your desires and fantasies with your partner. Try using a “Yes, No, Maybe” list, to find out about different types of activities you may like to try out. Fill it out and ask your partner to do the same. Then, discuss your lists together to find common desires, and fantasies, and talk about your limits and boundaries. Remember that your likes and desires will EVOLVE, so communicate that to your partner so they are aware of your changing feelings. PARTNERS, L I S T E N, give credence to what your Chosen/chosen is trying to communicate to you. TOSS on the brakes if you have to, but go out of your way to make sure their/Their needs/feelings are accounted for. This is a HUGE problem I see between not just New Couples, but in a lot of older couples in the D/s relationship. -Get comfortable with saying “no” and remember it is a complete sentence! Here are some suggestions/ideas to help you do this... Weekly relationship check-ins where you both sit down and discuss what went well that week and areas that can be improved. Discussion after a BDSM scene about what you both enjoyed, what you’d like to do more of, and what parts can be improved. This can be part of the AFTERCARE that occurs. If both parties are happy with the current D/s dynamic, or if there are duties or rules which need to be removed or added. If the submissive contract needs to be updated. If your hard and soft limits are still the same. Having frank and in-depth conversations like this can be scary. Have faith in each other. Stop, listen, and be open minded. Make sure you have them in a neutral setting (ie not in the bedroom) and you are both relaxed and ready to talk. If your mind is elsewhere, you won’t give the conversation your full attention and may say something you don’t mean. Lastly... Are D/s relationships healthy? Yes! And no. Dom/me-sub relationships are only healthy if you work on making sure they are, just like any relationship. this takes 2 to make it Dears and dears, but do not forget. It only takes 1 to break it. Be mindful of your choices you make. Submissive's do not forget your body is not you own, you gave it to another. Dom/me's Also do not forget, unless you stated it in your Agreement/Contract with your submissives you may take others and/or have lovers Due to the power dynamic, there is potential for the submissive to be abused or taken advantage of. Natural submissives love to please and follow rules. As a Dom/me you need be aware of this and act responsibly. -Yes I said RESPONSIBLY. ^- That means you educate, you teach, you both LEARN together. An unhealthy Dom/me-sub relationship can end up being abusive (physically or mentally) or end up with the sub being co-dependent and the dominant exhibiting narcissist tendencies. ((you can see about this in "Fake Dom/me" in My blog page for detail info on this)) A healthy Dom/sub relationship requires plenty of open, honest, and direct communication and check-ins to ensure everyone is happy with the arrangement. Well that is all for today Dears and dears.. I will post more later as requests come in. I think the next one is the Responsibilities of the Dom/me and submissive. Until later.. Toodles ^- ~Z
  21. The Relationship **I am sharing it here for others whom have asked Me about information on this very subject. Now this is a rather huge subject to hold a discussion over. I will condense it down some from discussion notes I had into a readable format for all.** The relationship comes in a few parts that are separate, yet work as a whole. Each standing on its own... Let's hit some highlights shall we? As with all things, remember, These pertain to RL, you have to think about the Online relationship and apply this, as with any knowledge, to your circumstance(s) using your best judgement. If you like to ask a question, then please feel free to Message Me about them. What is the Relationship? That is a simple and tough question to answer in honesty. First lets understand a few simple things... A dominant (or Dom/me) in a Dom/sub (D/s) relationship is the partner who “holds the power” and is in “control”. However, their control is only in so far as is given by the submissive, who in reality has all the control which they consensually give up, to their dominant partner. A submissive in D/S refers to the partner who is sexually submitting and giving up their power consensually to their dominant partner. The amount of control or types of control is something that is discussed in depth and “negotiated” at the beginning of a new relationship and usually before any play session, activity, or scene. (I will cover examples of 'The Contract/Agreement' in another blog) Now notice I did not say.. "slave". Slave in the Art(BDSM) is not a Noun, but a Verb. It describes the level of conviction that a submissive shows in the presence and absence of their Chosen(Dom/me). Those ranking go along the lines of Pet, Submissive, Slave. Some Modern day thoughts that are confusing to some is the thought that the Dom/me and Sub roles are confused with Top or Bottom roles. Some believe by that definition a Top in BDSM is a person who enjoys being the giver in the relationship dynamic, but they don’t always identify as dominant. Likewise, a Bottom is someone who enjoys receiving, but may not be submissive. In this type of arrangement, a Top may perform the same types of activities to the Bottom, but without the power exchange or D/S roles. (To Me, this Confusion is of this Dynamic of some trying to describe the definition of a SWITCH... Albeit, a poor one. However, it is commonly confusing to many, even some professionals.) A "Switch" by nature is one who can Dominate, but also whom enjoys being dominated by their partner/chosen. There is nothing wrong with this kind of relationship. Many enjoy this kind of Dynamic in the relationship, and it is especially healthy for Couples whom wish to add such spice to their life. Regardless of the definition of Role, Communication is extremely important in any BDSM relationship. This is so the submissive and Dominant can discuss and define their soft and hard limits, their desires, their motivations, their boundaries, as well as any mental or physical limitations they may have. This allows both partners to develop more trust as well as keeps them both safe during play. General guidelines for D/s relationships are: Get great at communication. You must be able to articulate (a fancy word for explaining yourself) how you are feeling, and feel completely comfortable talking to your partner about your wants and desires. Become a great listener. That means be open to listening, and receiving views and comments that may or may not agree with. The thing is Dears and dears, take the time to allow your partner to open up to you. Do Not be afraid to speak, and listen to each other. Yet, realize too.. that this may be difficult at the start for some. Love is Eternally patient, so USE SOME OF IT DAMMIT! and wait lovingly. *smiles sweetly* ^- Understand the relationship GROWS in this exchange. Never be afraid to be honest, but do so lovingly, and not in anger. Compromise. You are unlikely to find someone who ticks all your kink preference. Learn to compromise in some areas. This is a message for BOTH parties D/s, give and take a little, who knows, you may find something you adore that you both can call your own. Don’t judge. -Not each other, and Not others who are in their own Paths of the Art(BDSM). -If you do, your partner may start closing off and stop telling you important things. If they tell you about a fetish they love, but you hate, don’t tell them you think they are disgusting or someone else is. If you judge harshly even others, this can lead to the same consequences. Understand this actions only causes guilt and shame – the antithesis of a great D/s dynamic. It’s okay if you aren’t into everything they are, but don’t shame them for opening up to you. Have fun. -This is meant to be fun! Don’t take the power dynamic too seriously or overthinking it. You don’t need strict rules in place to say you are in a Dom sub relationship. Do what works for you.
  22. What is a Fake Dom/me? This a question I get asked a lot darlings.. so I am going to try to demystify and clarify this with some information one can find on the net and with My own opinions on this subject. NEVER FORGET My views are of a RL Dominatrix with many years of experience. FOR any online game, you kind of have to be somewhat flexible in these interpretations. However, they make a good guideline to follow... So.. Enjoy... "Fake Dom/me" is the term given to a person who claims to be a Dominant when in reality they have no clue what they are doing. Fake Dom/me often have little regard for the sub, instead believing a D/s dynamic is solely for their benefit and they can make the sub do whatever they want. They make you feel bad : My Dominant asked me to do X but I don’t enjoy it. Do I have to obey him? My Dominant got angry when I didn’t do as asked and now I feel guilty. Is this normal? My Dominant is focused on his pleasure and not mine. What should I do? Being in a relationship with a Fake Dom/me makes the submissive feel: Small (not in a good way) Belittled Questioning their confidence unjustly As though he/she has to continually prove themselves As though he/she is getting far less benefits from the dynamic than the Dom/me does Fearful of putting a foot wrong forward As though his/her thoughts and feelings don’t matter Does this sound familiar? These are signs of an emotionally abusive relationship, and certainly not one you want to be in. Expect equal benefits: Just because the power in a Dom/sub dynamic isn’t equal, it doesn’t mean the benefits shouldn’t be equal. Make sure Dom/me's that your sub dynamic is of EQUAL VALUE and that while the Dom and sub don’t get the same type of benefits but they do get equally valued benefits. Different benefits. Equal weightings. And NO Dom/me.. You do not get to decide what is equal, that is a discussion You have, One to one, with your chosen and they to their Chosen. Fake Dom/me's will take more than they give: The issue with Fake Dom/me's is that they’ve misunderstood what I believe to be the fundamentals of D/s. They don’t understand it’s not all about getting your sub to do whatever you want for you with no benefit for the sub. It is okay for a submissive to be in a dynamic where the Dominant gets the sub to do everything for them, but only if this has been agreed to (as per Contract between Dom/sub) and the sub is getting some benefit. As an example, there are some submissive who thoroughly enjoy being bossed around in and outside the bedroom. They love being at the beck and call of their Dom/me, and take great pleasure in knowing their place and that they are providing an excellent level of service. Here are some signs to be watchful for ... Dom/me's try to dominate you immediately (You know the kind darlings. They come at you from the Gun, and are all over you.) Dom/me's don’t ask for consent Dom/me's make you do outrageous things (outrageous darling as in lacking complete common sense) Dom/me's make it all about them (This may slip by for a small bit, but as a submissive you can start seeing this in many ways. Trust your gut instincts. Remember, the easiest way to see the true intent of a heart is to LOOK at where their feet are at. If they are not there with you, then you can figure out the rest.) Dom/me's don’t give aftercare (Ok Darlings and darlings I am going to HARP on a bit. THIS is a MASSIVE RED FLAG for you submissive. Let Me be BLUNT HERE, any Dominant unwilling to provide aftercare is a Fake Dom/me. Understand too this My Opinion Dears and dears.) Aftercare is such an essential component of a BDSM scene to help bring a sub back to the real world. **NOTE: If the Dom has admitted to being new and inexperienced, then their lack of knowledge of aftercare is understandable. Then THIS is the perfect time to COMMUNICATE with each other. Talk to each other. Sub's let your Chosen KNOW what you need. Cuddles, spoons positions, holding, petting, massages. What brings you down? Calms that Need inside of you. Communicate that to your Young Dom/me and you will find they will take that and run with it each time. ** Dom/me's get angry if you don’t obey them (One of the characteristics of a good Dom is being cool, calm and collected. They must be able to operate under pressure, and to not get flustered easily.) Dom/me's don’t want feedback (They will shut you down, turn it back on you, engage in avoidance, avoid it though ignoring, deny it, toss tantrums over it.) A good Dom/me will listen, care, make adjustments, discuss those with you, go back over them after a session to check on that adjustments. (last time I checked darlings we all failed ESP101, so that means we have to talk to each other) So, some food for thought darlings. ^- Until next time!
  23. Collar Etiquette 101 These are some basic guidelines for those who are unfamiliar with the Mistress and Her slave(s). Never touch a submissive's collar unless you put it there yourself! Even though some uncollared subs wear collars in public, always ask if they are involved before trying to kick it to them. If you want to speak to a collared submissive that you don't know, you should ask their Master/Mistress for permission first. Do not address a dominant as "Master" or "Mistress" unless you are wearing their collar or they instruct you otherwise. Sir, Ma'am, Mr. or Ms. are fine in the meantime. Don't ever flirt with, fondle, or proposition a collared submissive! Unless provisions have been given to them by their owner to allow such interludes. If you are fortunate to be allowed to touch a submissive of a Master/Mistress, be mindful of doing such when in their presence. Understand the submissive does not belong to you, be respectful of what is Theirs (Master/Mistress) and not yours.
  24. Thoughts of a Mistress... A darling came to me, and said, from all your experience that you have in Real Life, why do you not share it for others to see and learn from... ...I smiled to him, and told him this fact. The Art of Domination has no set rule in how it is applied other than a few guidelines. Mostly common sense stuff. You see there are many who practice the Art and will fall into one of two categories... *Fetish players *Lifestyle The fetish players. Who make up about 98% of those who practice BDSM, in privacy or social centers like RLC/Utherverse/3DXChat. Nothing wrong with how they enjoy the Art. But, please be respectful to the heart you are toying with Dears and dears. Remember, there is a live person there with feelings.. On BOTH SIDES. So do NOT fuck around with them... ...That is how you get your head lopped off... and not in the nice way. Life stylers are those that have had Real Life experience from an accomplished Dom/Domme, or submissive/slaves. These individuals only make up about 2% of those who practice the Art in some degree. Out of the life styler’s there is another small percentage who took it to the extreme. We lived it 24/7, no matter where we were. Perhaps when I get time I will get my Journals out and write out what I considered proper ways of the Relationship to be. Many do not need this. They follow their hearts and it leads them properly to what they wish. Just remember to be honest about that to yourself, and to others. Above all things respect others around you. This is how you gain respect, by giving it, even to those who never deserve it. ^- Until next time dears.. Toodles ^- ~Mistress Z
  25. Rules of Etiquette Some Basic Etiquette's 1. Be yourself – and allow others to treat you with respect 2. Say “Thank You” 3. Give Genuine Compliments 4. Don’t be Boastful, Arrogant or Loud 5. Listen Before Speaking 6. Speak with Kindness and Caution 7. Do Not Criticize or Complain 8. Be Punctual 9. Do Not Embarrass Others 10. Act and Look Your Best These work Dears and dear for anyone. Be them the average Joe/Jill, a bottom, a Top, or a Switch in between. Remember some things... ...Being Loud is not being Dominant. ...Being demanding is not being Dominant ...being bratty is not being submissive. ...do not mistake brattiness as the norm for a submissive, it is actually quite the opposite. ...NEVER MISTAKE that being a submissive means that person is weak. It takes a VERY Confident person to understand their needs to submit to another.
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