Fear and Loathing in Horny Honey's Restaurant

[Alan Erchiagrossa]

Dear diary, I really fucked up big time last night. I entered this world just a few days ago, so I'm still young and stupid... But here's the whole story:

So, I was walking around when I spotted the Horny Honey's Restaurant's sign. Never been at a restaurant before, so I was curious and I entered there.

I looked around and I noticed my new friend nellino was there, sitting at a table. What a coincidence! Just a few hours before we were having a very, very pleasant time with DebbyXXX on a yacht, if you know what I mean... Well, I sat at his table and we started chatting.

Very soon, a waitress named Kiren (if I remember correctly: I suck with names!) approached me and asked me what I wanted to eat. I ordered the first two things that came to my mind: a carbonara and a bottle of white wine. At 6am.

It was my first time there, I was a little clumsy, I don't think I played my cards well with Kiren... Because she seemed quite cold towards me. Oh well, no one is liked by everyone, right? I mean, Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes everybody liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.

Well, at some point, nellino got up from the table and followed his waitress to the back of the restaurant, I guess. The motherf***er was going to have fun with his waitress while I was there, sitting all alone at the table like a limp dick! Why was god doing this to me?

But I can't really blame the waitress, she was probably tired after hours of work. And then there was me, a man completely dressed in red leather, ordering a carbonara and a bottle of wine at 6am. She probably smelled trouble.

Well, I was frustrated, so I decided to put on a little show... The restaurant was too quiet, like most places, so I thought it needed to be spiced up a little...

I got up from the table, I made a few steps and then I got on my knees, faking pain for a few seconds before I collapsed on the floor, apparently unconscious.

It's surprising how most people generally don't give a fuck if you collapse in front of them. But after a while, an angel called... called... Ohenna? Ohanne? I really suck with names! We'll call her simply O. Well, O approached me and asked me if I was ok. I slowly regained my senses and I sat at my table, again.

I must say O proved to be the most patient person in the world. She stayed with me, genuinely worried I guess, and never left even after all the bullshit I told her... I feel bad for all the bullshit I told her.

I told her that maybe somebody poisoned my wine, and she said nope. I told her that maybe the carbonara was poisoned, and she said impossible. I said, maybe I pissed off the waitress or the chef. Ofc she defended her staff, like a real pro. I told her that maybe it was the Mexican mafia, but luckily my parents started feeding me with snake venom since I was 4, so I couldn't be killed by poison... Really, any bullshit coming to my mind! And she remained quiet and professional. I guess I wasn't the first weirdo she met...

I was running out of bullshit when I had a brainstorm: nellino! The guy was probably still jumping his waitress, so I decided to play a joke on him.

I told O that this guy named nellino was sitting at my table before, and that it was surely him who poisoned my wine! She asked why should he do something like that? And I told her it was an Italian thing, an old feud... And I told her to warn everyone about this nellino, because he's a very dangerous man. I didn't mean to harm nellino or slander him, I knew they wouldn't take me seriously, it was just a little show. I told him everything right after and we laughed about it! It was just a joke... Funny thing, in the end it was me who got into trouble and was banished from the restaurant! Karma is a bitch.

Yeah, because I wasn't satisfied yet and I decided to push it even further and end my show with a grand finale... When the lovely O left me to deal with other clients, I got up from my table and I started yelling: NELLINO, WHERE ARE YOU? COME HERE, I KNOW YOU TRIED TO POISON ME! COME HERE, MOTHERF***ER! ARE YOU HIDING IN THE KITCHEN?

So I went to the kitchen, yelling I'LL BURN THIS F*CKING RESTAURANT!, and that's when they threw me out...

Damn, I thought it was funny, but maybe it was just stupid...

I wish the owner of that restaurant and the waitresses could read these words and see that I'm deeply sorry. I caused a mess and ruined the mood and routine of their restaurant... It was just my fourth day here and I already earned the reputation of being a hothead - me! I'm quiet and silent 90% of the time. I'm shy and I suck at breaking the ice. I can't believe I got in so much trouble so soon... Well, shit happens.

Anyway, I hope the owner of Horny Honey's Restaurant and the waitresses will forgive me. I didn't mean to hurt them. I'm just young and stupid. I wish they could give me a second chance. I'm ready to get on my knees in front of the restaurant with a sign on my neck saying: "I messed up at Horny Honey's Restaurant and this is my penitence. Throw your food at me." This is how much I repent.

It was a funny night, tho. If you never fail, it means you're not living your life.

Edited March 27, 2022 by Alan Erchiagrossa
typo

[MikeBiker]

I think this is one of the best RP story I ever heard. You obviously played your role with sincerity and fun. Making the train miss the rails,waking up people with something unusual through creativity...to me,this is what defines the best RPers. I wish I had been there ! 

[Alan Erchiagrossa]

On 7/11/2022 at 8:19 AM, MikeBiker said:

I think this is one of the best RP story I ever heard. You obviously played your role with sincerity and fun. Making the train miss the rails,waking up people with something unusual through creativity...to me,this is what defines the best RPers. I wish I had been there ! 

Awww, thanks!