BDSM. Our Special World of Kink.

[VladT]

maybe is this:

Every BDSM relationship is different.

 

 

Your generalisation of us and attempt to analyse us I see as somewhat judgemental. Just because you do not understand us, does not mean we are some mental case that justifies you psychoanalysing us

 

sorry for this, it was not my intention to judge. my intention was to have an explanation from dominant and submissive ppl.

 

Historically some important psychoanalytic voices have interpreted BDSM as evidence of an underlying psychopathological condition, with roots in early traumatic experiences (Stolorow, 1975; Valenstein, 1973), in the failed achievement of evolutionary stages (Bychowsky, 1959; Valenstein, 1973) and in unresolved child conflicts (Blum, 1976).

 

Today the term has entered the common lexical scene due to some facts of crime, usually accidental deaths due to the inexperience of the participants, and there are numerous international scientific studies aimed at studying this phenomenon, both from the individual and social point of view.

 

i have lost some my friends for this... and there are many cases of this:

https://www.google.it/search?client=firefox-b-ab&dcr=0&q=dead+for+bdsm+choke&spell=1&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjh3qa876nYAhURI-wKHU9mBN4QvwUIJSgA&biw=1222&bih=685

 

i know also in contrast, Wismeijer and van Assen published, in the prestigious Journal of Sexual Medicine, the results of a recent research aimed at investigating the psychological characteristics of the subjects practicing BDSM.

Scholars compared 902 subjects with BDSM-related behaviors with a control group on some measures of major psychological dimensions, such as: personality characteristics, attachment styles, sensitivity to being rejected and well-being perceived by the subject. The results suggest that those who practice BDSM have lower levels of neuroticism, are more extroverted, more open to novelties, less sensitive to rejection and with a good general state of psychological well-being. Moreover, within the BDSM group, more favorable scores have been found for those who prefer the domain side compared to those who choose the role of subjugates.

The conclusion reached by the authors is, therefore, that the characteristics of bondage sexuality do not allow us to hypothesize the presence of a pathological core underlying itself, but that can be interpreted primarily as a recreational and recreational choices on the part of the person.

Summing up we could say that the sado-maso practices, currently very fashionable, do not necessarily fall into paraphilia or sexual perversion.

 

so... please take this my intervention as a clarifier of the subject. I do not want to judge. I want to give importance to this playful aspect.
pay much attention to this practice. take care of your partner.

[Vaughan_Rarius]

I think it’s a good thing you have posted to ask and to learn from people who enjoy the kink. Who better to answer and teach?

You are absolutely right. All should take care of their partners, both physically and emotionally.

 

There is a very interesting saying a friend taught me once in another game and I have never forgotten it and I believe it is very true …“The wider our experience, the deeper the tolerance.”

 

People are not monsters who follow the BDSM kink but like everything else, “Bad Apples or Rogue members of the kink” can infiltrate the practice and earn it a bad name.

 

Whatever the reason that people decide to follow the kink, abuse is frowned upon and in most BDSM clubs it will not be tolerated or condoned.

Safety is everything and of the utmost importance.

Everything is consensual.  It is all voluntary. Anyone can leave at any time.

 

Offending members who break the rules will be banned, temporarily or permanently.

Most will also be given the support they need to understand their wrong doings by mentors in the club or the encouragement and empowerment to say no in such a relationship.

 

People who practice BDSM understand that rules are there for a reason. They are to protect all parties

Most sign contracts so there is no misunderstanding in their partnerships and in their clubs.

 

The contracts are to understand and agree the extent that sexual practices can go and also in appearance (hair for example – shaved from the neck down, long hair on their head, regular visits to the gym to keep a certain level of fitness for their sexual practices).

 

They are not to bind people to a practice they may wish to leave later on. It is important to know, any party can leave at any time. 

They are there voluntarily and everything is with the consent of the participants.

 

Most BDSM practitioners openly discuss what they like and dislike with their partners.

They discuss what is a “hard limit.” This is the line they do not wish to cross or that they are willing to cross only when trust is gained enough with their partner.

 

As mentioned before, some will enter into contracts or agreed written rules.

 

An example for this is anal sex. I enjoy it but not all my partners do.

Some submissives' took time to accept it in our sessions, others do not wish to practice it. I respect their decision.

 

In such matters, most couples have a Safe Word. They choose one they do not use in their everyday use and it simple means “STOP NOW. No More.”

 

Personally, I use “No.”  In my sessions “No” means “No”, not “maybe” and not “yes.” 

I do not like or approve of ladies who mix up the meaning of NO and it is part of my training. 

No will stop whatever we are doing, even if said in jest and even if they don’t mean it. 

No is a good word and the meaning should not ever be changed or misunderstood.

 

Some will use the traffic light system. 

 

“Green” is “Great to go.” 

 

“Amber or Yellow” means, “I need reassurance from my Dom/Domme. I’m unsure what is expected of me. I’m willing to try it but proceed carefully.” This is great in group situations.

 

“Red” means “Stop right away.”

 

It is basically a system to ensure safety and build trust between the Dominant and submissive.

It’s a very important part of the sexual play and should be one of the first rules discussed.

 

Most Dominants nurture their submissives & train them to their likes.

Most submissives want to please their Dominant.

When this balance is struck, it can be a wonderful relationship.

It can lead to a collaring, a wedding ring or both. A collar for a D/s relationship is as important as a wedding ring for a vanilla couple.

 

When the balance is not struck, like vanilla couples, the couples will part, move on and go in search once more of their ideal partner.

[Vaughan_Rarius]

Here is an example of contracts and agreements that are used by Dominants & submissives, you may find interesting :

 

Couple's change as they see fit to make it suitable for their relationship.

 

A Dominant/submissive Contract is not a legally binding document, but more of an agreement between two consenting individuals. Some are very formal and have multiple pages, others are as brief as a few paragraphs. A D/s contract is a lot like a pre-nuptial agreement.

 

 

24/7 Dominant/submissive Contract

 

I, (Submissives name) ------------------ with a free mind and open heart request of (Dominant’s Name) ------------------------ that he accept the submission of my will unto him. I ask that as my Dominant, D’s NAME -----------  takes me into his care and guidance and encourages growth together in love, trust, and mutual respect. It is my desire as a submissive to satisfy his needs and desires whenever possible, in hopes that I will be found pleasing to him. In order to do so, I offer him the use of my body, abilities, and purpose.

 

Further, I ask that as my Dominant, he will accept the responsibility of using my body for the fulfilment and enhancement of both of our sexual, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual needs. In order to achieve this, he has unrestricted use of my body any time, any place, and in front of anyone as he determines appropriate.

 

As a Dominant, D’s NAME ------------ may bestow upon me any symbol of ownership, including a collar, as well as any other future marks or tokens he may wish to bestow upon me. Symbols of ownership are to be a visible reminder of status and will be worn with pride.

 

 

Section One: Code of Conduct

 

Duties of Servitude

 

-Above all, the primary duty of this submissive is to please.

 

-Personal Duties: Attend to the physical and emotional needs of Mr.D’s NAME ---------, behave as his sexual plaything, offer physical comfort, act in obedience, remain honest and loyal, wait on the Dominant as desired.

 

-Household Duties: Cleaning and maintaining the home, laundry, shopping, all cooking and baking, running all errands as needed. Any task assigned should be considered permanent until further notice. Tasks may be added at any time.

 

General Behaviour

 

-Attitude: As a submissive, I will show an attitude of respect at all times. Disrespect is a serious offense and will be punished.

 

-Respect includes: manner of speech, promptness, kneeling to serve (when able), proper answers, obedience, and wholehearted honesty.

 

-Respect and obedience are the two most valuable aspects of attitude that I will show at all times. Failure to do so will be punished.

 

Behaviour in Private

 

-I shall address Mr. D’s NAME -------- as “Sir” or “Master” at all available times. I will pay full attention to him when being spoken to.

 

-My Dominant is more important than any other activity I may be engaged in with the exclusion of immediate child care needs. (& Real Life needs)

 

-I will sit, stand, walk, kneel, and lay where, when, and how he desires.

 

Behaviour in Public

 

-I will address my Dominant by his given name or “Master” at all times when there is not enough privacy to use the aforementioned “Sir.”

 

-I will remain within eyesight of my husband unless permission is given to do otherwise. -I will be courteous and prompt at all times.

 

-I will dress as Mr. D’s name ---------- desires. I will do my best to always have a put together appearance in any social setting where I represent my husband.

 

-I will not argue or complain in public.

 

Training

 

-Training activities will include: domestic skills training, offering of self every evening on bended knee, proper answers, orgasm control, anal training to increase my ability to offer every hole as he wishes, learning to present myself as a submissive full of poise, grace, and beauty in public and private, learning protocols and rituals throughout this contract on an as-needed basis; any other training activities as Mr D’s NAME ---------- deems fit.

 

 

Orgasm Control

 

-I am to achieve orgasm only by express permission of Mr D’s NAME ---------- I understand that a submissive’s orgasms are controlled for proper training and reminding me that it is with my Dominant’s good grace that sexual pleasure is brought, providing motivation, physical and sexual energy. Mr. D’s NAME -------- will allow me this reward when he desires.

 

OR

As instructed by My Dominant, Mr D’s NAME -  Hence forth, unless I am instructed otherwise, I will not hold back my orgasm, I will achieve orgasm as nature intended, and in doing so and while doing so, will moan, and verbally and physically show my pleasure and at the pinnacle will scream out my Dominant’s name in my pleasure and ecstasy.

 

 

Punishment

 

Punishment will be given for the following offenses:

 

-Cockiness/rudeness

 

-Disobedience

 

-Incorrectly addressing Mr. D’s name.

 

-Failing to properly serve

 

-Achieving orgasm without consent or in the incorrect manner.

 

-Any other punishable offense as dictated

 

Forms of Punishment

 

-Punishments can include: spanking, nipple pinching, cropping, hair pulling, withholding of orgasm, caning, nudity – public or private and any other punishment as he sees fit.

 

-Punishments are intended as full and complete penance for offenses. Punishments should always fit the crime, and would be executed with full understanding that once over, the issue is over.

 

 

Section Two: Limits of D/s Contract

 

Limits of submissive

 

-Hard Limit: Bestiality, paedo play, branding, cutting, injections, scarification, permanent markings (excepting mutually agreed upon tattooing), any toilet play, animal play, catheter use, diaper use, gun play, permanently giving away to another Dominant, infantilism, prostitution, illegal activities.

 

-Soft: Humiliation, fisting, electricity, temporarily giving away to another Dominant, spitting, slapping, temporary use by others.

 

 

Safety

 

Safe words for the duration of the contract will be the same in public and private settings. “Red” will indicate an immediate stop to all activities. “Yellow” will indicate an approach to the limits of play.

 

 

Section Three: Submissive’s pledge

 

I will do my best to serve my Mister.

 

I will work hard to correct any insecurities or inhibitions that interfere with my capability to serve you.

 

I will grow as a person.

 

I will maintain honest and open communication.

 

I will reveal my thoughts, feelings, and desires without fear of judgement or embarrassment.

 

I will bring you any wants and perceived needs of mine.

 

I will be the very best (mother and) homemaker possible.

 

I will work to repair / keep our relationship.

 

I will not hold past mistakes against you.

 

I will do what I can to try and trust.

 

My surrender as a submissive is done with the knowledge that nothing asked of me will demean me as a person and in no way diminish my own responsibilities towards making the utmost use of my potential. In recognition of my Real Life obligations, I know nothing will be required of me that will in any way damage or harm my life or interfere with the performance of my duties as a mother and as a wife.

 

 

This I, sub’s NAME---------------, do entreat with lucidity and the realisation of what this means, both stated and implied, in the conviction that this offer will be understood in the spirit of faith, caring, esteem, devotion and the love in which it is given.

 

Should either of us find that our aspirations are not being well served by this agreement, find this commitment too burdensome, or for any other reason wish to cancel, either D’s name ------- or s’s NAME ---------- may do so by verbal notification to the other in keeping with the consensual nature of this contract. We both understand that cancellation means a cessation to the power exchange dynamic indicated and implied within this agreement, not a termination of the relationship as friends, lovers, and spouses.

 

Upon cancellation, each of us agrees to offer the other his or her reasons and to assess the new needs and situation openly. This agreement shall serve as the basis for an extension of our relationship, committed to in the spirit of loving and consensual Dominance and submission with the intention of furthering self-awareness and exploration, promoting health and happiness, and improving both lives.

 

 

Section Four: Signatures

 

This contract is valid from this day of signing until this date ________________, and at that, it may be renewed or renegotiated if the Dominant and/or submissive is of that interest.

 

I offer my consent of submission to __________________ under the terms state above on this, the ______ day of ___________ in the year ______. x_________________ (Signature of submissive)

 

I offer My acceptance of submission by _________________ under the terms stated above on this, the _____ day of __________ in the year ______. x_________________ (Signature of Dominant)

 

[Vaughan_Rarius]

And here is an example of a Master/ slave contract. 

 

24/7 Master/slave Contract

 

 

Section One

 

I, (Slave’s name) XXXXXXX, with a free mind and open heart, do request of (Master’s NAME) XXXXXX that He accept the submission of my will unto His and take me into His care and guidance, that W/we may grow together in love, trust, and mutual respect.

 

The satisfaction of His wants, desires, and whims are consistent with my desire as a slave to be found pleasing to Him. To that end, I offer Him use of my time, talents, and abilities.

 

 Further, I ask, in sincere humility, that as my Master, He accept the keeping of my body for fulfilment and enhancement of O/our sexual, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual needs. To achieve this, He may have unfettered use of my body any time, any place, and in front of anyone as He will determine.

 

Master's symbol of Ownership includes myself being collared as well as any future marks or tokens He may wish to bestow. Symbols of Ownership are a visible reminder of status and will be worn with pride. They signify Master's control and the lifestyle chosen by me. The collar is to remain upon my neck at all times unless necessary. If such necessity should arise the collar should only be removed by Master or with Master's approval if He is unavailable or for medical emergency.

 

This agreement may be reviewed and amended at any time, but will be reviewed no less than once per month on the 1st of each month together.

 

 

Section Two: Code of Conduct

 

Duties of Servitude

 

-Above all, it is my duty as a slave to please.

 

-Personal duties: cater to the physical/emotional needs of Master, amusement, sexual toy/plaything, physical comfort, obedience, honesty, loyalty, waiting on Master as desired.

 

-Household duties: cleaning and keeping the home maintained, laundry, shopping for the home and Master, all cooking and baking, (caring for the children,) run errands. Any tasks assigned should be considered permanent until further notice.

 

 

Behaviour - General

 

 -Attitude: as a slave, I will show an attitude of respect at all times.

 

-Respect includes: manner of speech, promptness, kneeling to serve (whenever appropriate), proper answers, obedience, and wholehearted honesty.

 

-I will address Master as either "Master", "Sir", " Mister", or given name at all times using the most appropriate term for the situation.

 

-Master come first (with exception to immediate childcare needs).

 

-I will dress as Master desires, including always doing my best to have a beautiful appearance.

 

 -Respect and obedience are the two most valuable aspects of attitude and I will show them at all times. Failure to do so will be punished as severe offenses.

 

 

Behaviour - Specific

 

Upon Arrival Home: I will immediately greet Master with a smile and hug and kiss and then proceed to the garage to kneel before Him and remove His shoes.

 

Shower: Sunday (or other day off if it is changed) and any other day he may request. I will shower Master.

 

 Public settings: I will not argue or complain.

 

-I will remain within eyesight of Master unless permission is given to do otherwise and will return promptly.

 

 Family meals: Breakfast and Dinner- we will all sit down and eat together. It is understood that life happens and it is not always possible but this will be the expected norm. At breakfast we will discuss the To Do list and plans for the day. At dinner we will do high/low and review the To Do list and fitness/healthy eating program.

 

 Bedtime: Children's -W/we will focus this time on the children and both parents will assist with no cell phones or any other distractions present.

 

-O/ours -I will kneel before Master and wait for permission to enter the bed or ask for permission if necessary.

 

 Eating out: no more than 2 meals per week per person.

 

 Healthy eating: use My Fitness Pal to track fitness and eating habits.

 

 Fitness: exercise at least three times per week.

 

 Alcoholic beverages: limited to a max of 2 per week.

 

 Play: every Sunday evening will be designated as play time.

 

 -Any time W/we play W/we will follow a standard protocol of kneeling, adding play collar, standing to embrace, and matching breathing.

 

 

Orgasm Control

 

- I am to achieve orgasm ONLY with Master's permission or at his orders

 

 

Punishment

 

 -Will be given for disrespect or disobedience of any aforementioned guidelines as well as anything else Master may deem fit.

 

-Will result in full and complete penance for offences.

 

-Will always fit the crime.

 

-will always be executed with full understanding of crimes committed.

 

 

Safety

 

 Safe words are known but as follows and to be used to notify Master of any immediate issues. "YELLOW" will indicate an approach of maximum tolerance. "RED" will indicate reaching of maximum tolerance. Master knows me well enough that he may be able to help me push through and stretch my limits by pushing past "RED" in certain circumstances. I believe I am unable to continue "XXXXXXX" will indicate a complete stop of all activities.

 

 

Section three: Other Relationships

 

1. Any other relationship cannot cause U/us to sacrifice O/our dynamic.

 

2. Any other relationship cannot cause U/us to sacrifice O/our career or children.

 

3. If either feels a "spark", interest, or any attraction of more than friends, it needs to be shared with spouse prior to sharing with anyone else, including that person. A simple text or phone call with confirmation received will suffice unless #4.

 

4. If spouse requests further discussion before moving forward, that request will be honoured.

 

5. If contact is instigated by "other," spouse is to be notified immediately and prior to any response being sent. Again text or phone call with confirmation received will suffice unless #4.

 

6. Flirty (see A) in person conversation is acceptable without prior consent from spouse, however spouse should be notified right away if this has lead to #3. If this conversation turns sexual (see B below)   then conversation needs to be put on hold until above can happen.

 

A. Flirty conversation is defined as platonic conversation that could be had with anybody for the purpose of gauging connection. Can include discussion of sexual activities as long as not specific to any specific person/persons. I.E. What type of things are you into?

 

B. Sexual conversation is defined as fantasising or discussing hypothetical sexual encounters with specific person/persons. I.E. I would love to take you out back and have you blow me.

 

7. Master has ultimate veto power, however He agrees to use it judiciously in order to not hinder growth. I do not, however, Master recognizes that I have excellent opinions and insight and my recommendations will be heavily considered.

 

8. Potential partners must be vetted twice as hard as normal. I.E. Read profiles completely, writings, pics, compare and speak to mutual friends...

 

9. If potential partner is attached in any way that partner must be spoken to and notified of intentions and given approval to proceed prior to engaging. If either refuses - DEAL KILLER.

 

 

Section Four: Master's Creed

 

I offer the testimony in trust and sincerity.

 

I am a dominant man.

 

I am just that.

 

I am not dominant because of any superiority on my part. Not because I feel more intelligent or wiser.

I am not dominant because of the strength or the mass of my body. I am not, nor would I want to be dominant with all women.

Yet to you, I am Master.

 

I am your Master only after earning your trust.

 

I embrace your submissiveness.

 

I have looked into your heart and mind, And clearly see your desires and passions.

You have thrown away your fears and inhibitions.

 

You tell me of the needs of your heart and body.

 

You have given me total access to your soul, and I accept that responsibility and honour.

Your belief in me gives me courage and direction.

 

Your strength disperses my doubt.

 

Your needs and desires encourage and give purpose to my efforts.

We are not equal. We are halves of a whole.

We complement each other and make each other complete.

 

I dominate you only because you have allowed me to, and when I see you body kneel before me

in my mind and heart, you are raised above all other women and all the treasures of the earth.

Within the bounds of our relationship it is my duty to protect you, and that you will know, that under my care; no harm will come to you as a result of actions taken by Me or you.

This is my responsibility.

 

 

 

Section Five: Slave's Pledge

 

I will do my best to serve my Master.

To strive to overcome feelings of guilt or shame, and all inhibitions that interfere with my capability to serve Him and limit my growth as His slave.

 

To maintain open and honest communication.

 

To reveal my thoughts, feelings, and desires without hesitation or embarrassment.

 

To inform Him of  my wants or perceived needs, recognising that He is the sole judge of whether or how these shall be satisfied.

 

To strive towards maintenance of a positive self-image and development of realistic expectations and goals.

 

To work with Him to become a happy and self-fulfilled individual.

 

To work against negative aspects of my ego and my insecurities that would interfere with advancement of these aims.

 

My surrender as a slave is done with the knowledge that nothing asked of me will demean me as a person, and will in no way diminish my own responsibilities towards making the utmost use of my potential. In recognition of my family obligations,

Nothing will be required of me that will in any way damage or harm my children, nor interfere with the performance of my duties as a mother or wife.

 

This I, XXXXXX, do entreat with lucidity and the realization of what this means, both stated and implied, in the conviction that this offer will be understood in the spirit of faith, caring, esteem, devotion, and love in which it is given.

 

Should either of U/us find that O/our aspirations are not being well served by this agreement, find this commitment too burdensome, or for any reason wish to cancel, E/either may do so by verbal notification to the O/other, in keeping with the consensual nature of this contract.

W/we both understand that cancellation means a cessation to the Power Exchange dynamic indicated and implied within this agreement, not a termination of the relationship as friends, lovers, and spouses.

Upon cancellation, each of U/us agrees to offer the other His or her reasons and to assess the new needs and situation openly and lovingly.

 

This agreement shall serve as the basis for our relationship with the intention of furthering self-awareness and exploration, promoting health and happiness, and improving O/our lives.

 

 

Section Six: Signatures

 

This contract is valid from this day XXXXXXXX until cancelled.

 

I offer my consent as slave to XXXXXXXXXXXXXX under the terms stated above on this, the _______ day of ____________________ in the year ___________.

 

X________________________________

 

(Signature of slave)

 

I offer My acceptance of slavehood by XXXXXXXXX under the terms stated above on this, the ________ day of __________________ in the year ___________.

 

X________________________________

 

(Signature of Master)

[MinervaX]

 

sorry for this, it was not my intention to judge. my intention was to have an explanation from dominant and submissive ppl.

 

Historically some important psychoanalytic voices have interpreted BDSM as evidence of an underlying psychopathological condition, with roots in early traumatic experiences (Stolorow, 1975; Valenstein, 1973), in the failed achievement of evolutionary stages (Bychowsky, 1959; Valenstein, 1973) and in unresolved child conflicts (Blum, 1976).

 

Today the term has entered the common lexical scene due to some facts of crime, usually accidental deaths due to the inexperience of the participants, and there are numerous international scientific studies aimed at studying this phenomenon, both from the individual and social point of view.

 

i have lost some my friends for this... and there are many cases of this:

https://www.google.it/search?client=firefox-b-ab&dcr=0&q=dead+for+bdsm+choke&spell=1&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjh3qa876nYAhURI-wKHU9mBN4QvwUIJSgA&biw=1222&bih=685

 

i know also in contrast, Wismeijer and van Assen published, in the prestigious Journal of Sexual Medicine, the results of a recent research aimed at investigating the psychological characteristics of the subjects practicing BDSM.

 

Scholars compared 902 subjects with BDSM-related behaviors with a control group on some measures of major psychological dimensions, such as: personality characteristics, attachment styles, sensitivity to being rejected and well-being perceived by the subject. The results suggest that those who practice BDSM have lower levels of neuroticism, are more extroverted, more open to novelties, less sensitive to rejection and with a good general state of psychological well-being. Moreover, within the BDSM group, more favorable scores have been found for those who prefer the domain side compared to those who choose the role of subjugates.

 

The conclusion reached by the authors is, therefore, that the characteristics of bondage sexuality do not allow us to hypothesize the presence of a pathological core underlying itself, but that can be interpreted primarily as a recreational and recreational choices on the part of the person.

 

Summing up we could say that the sado-maso practices, currently very fashionable, do not necessarily fall into paraphilia or sexual perversion.

 

so... please take this my intervention as a clarifier of the subject. I do not want to judge. I want to give importance to this playful aspect.

pay much attention to this practice. take care of your partner.

 

Well.... if you seek clarification... the most important point is first to understand that it -is- a relationship... and like all relationships there is a very significant variance between each of them.

 

For example... I've never been keen on lumping sado-maschism in with bondage and in with domination. Also in with auto-erotic asphyxiation, which you cite, has never occured to me as being part of BDSM at all.

 

Different people like different things, so because I am a dominant it does not necessarily imply I'm also a sadist. Being submissive does not automatically make you a masochist either.

 

Good dominants do certain things and follow certain rules, the most important of which is ensuring that everything you do is SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual).... anyone that does not follow at least that I'd argue is no true dominant.... and barely even a human being, more a kind of animal with shoes.

 

In addition... to a true dominant... it's a natural thing. I'm a dominant because I can be nothing else. This is my nature and it flows effortlessly. I don't seek power over others.... I get it as a result of who I am and I've always considered this a great honour to be trusted and loved to that level. I don't manipulate or break down others.... I don't have to. I am just that by nature. If you are not that by nature, or you have manipulate or lie or beat to get your way, I'd argue that you are no true dominant, you are just a play actor or someone that seeks control for the sake of having power over others.

 

I didn't always recognise this in myself.... I've always been the sort of person that people gather around... form groups around... try to impress, and I end up taking charge unconsciously. It's only in the last few years that I've realised that this aspect of me exists and I've been able to recognise that and see myself honestly.

 

I take the view that if someone is prepared to trust me and love me to such a level that implies that I have a responsibility to that person to never let her down, never ask her to do something that is not in her nature, to always be guiding and protecting her, to understand her, and understand what she -needs- and -wants- (and there is a difference between the two), and deliver the first as a necessity, the second as a reward. A good Dominant understands their submissive and all control is derived not from a need to control, nor from manipulation, but from love and trust. But then love and trust  to me is the heart of a good relationship.... of any kind.

 

I would show the contract I have with Lilly, but I consider it a personal bond between us. They are important but it's vitally important for it to be tailored and individual to the relationship, the dominant and the submissive. Ideally each contract should be unique because no relationship is exactly the same as another.

 

 

 

I agree with Vaughan on a few points but for example, I would never request my submissive cook or clean for me. What is this? 1950s? I'm an independant person and I'll cook for myself thanks. In fact I don't consider requiring this of your submissive to be dominant behaviour at all.... just selfish behaviour.... and to me, no true dominant is selfish. The opposite in fact - they should be as devoted to their submissive as the submissive is to them.

[AnnikaDevi]

Thank you for this information, it is well crafted, and very well explained. It is always great to learn from the master himself, and I am pretty sure you are a great master. I liked the posts, "What makes a good Master or Dominant?" the posts up to that point are juicy & pulpy like oranges...delicious

 

 

As I scrolled down below I felt like it is better to die than lose my freedom to a master or mistress...please don't take me otherwise, your posts are really awesome but to an extent...

 

[AnnikaDevi]

Watch the MAAYA series of short Films from EPISODE 1-10 and you will realize the meaning of my words as to why I felt suicidal. BDSM ruins the life of the SUBMISSIVE person as seen in this film. They can never have a happy married life after their MASTER is gone. BDSM is addictive...

This is the link to EPISODE 1: 

 I am not against BDSM but if it is like this, I will rather choose to die

[Vaughan_Rarius]

That's a story of one particular relationship and i'm sure many vanilla films can be posted of a similar ilk where the person left behind is sad and needs to rebuild their life without the person they want or feel they need.

 

That person or people can be happy again, of course they can. Maybe in a different way, maybe in an acceptance that  although one door has closed, another has or will open and a new chapter in their life has started.

 

Also as there are many successful vanilla couples, you will also find many successful relationships who practice BDSM.

 

No one is worth feeling suicidal over and when we do, it is important to seek the appropriate help we need, even if it is just talking things over with a close friend or picking up the phone and talking to The Samaritans. Never suffer alone in your dark and negative thoughts.  Even go to your GP's if things are bad. Never be afraid to ask for help. Even the strongest people need a helping hand now and then.

 

Looking after our mental well being is as important as looking after our physical bodies. We need both to be strong and when we are not, then lean on family, friends and those who understand and are willing to help.

 

AnnikaDevi is right in some things though, BDSM is enjoyable and fun and there is a dangerous edge to it.   Like alcohol and other things fun, it can indeed be addictive, Research the subject and with a sensible approach you can enjoy the practices you like and discard the ones you don't.  

 

Each couple or person sets their own boundaries, hence the rules and contracts. Go forth and be aware of the "Government Health Warning ... too much of a good thing can have its downfalls"   but balance it cleverly with  " Hell, we only live once..."

 

Here's the ones I enjoy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Vaughan_Rarius]

I thought I would try and make a calendar for 2018 with my Naughty Thoughts. The results of my efforts are shown below, not perfect, but fun to read

 

Feel free to download and use, print off or even alter to fit your own tastes.

 

Happy 2018 Everyone. I hope this new year brings you everything you wish for and more.

 

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[Vaughan_Rarius]

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[Vaughan_Rarius]

Those who know me, know I like my little ladies to dance for me -

 

This tune caught my imagination 

 

Flaer Smin–Alone In The Dark        (Sexy music from Kazakhstan )

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXIqCbQqVls

 

[Vaughan_Rarius]

 

 

 

 

[Vaughan_Rarius]

 

 

 

[Vaughan_Rarius]

[LynnBecula]

So, so naughty. I love it. I so need to be this naughty!

[Vaughan_Rarius]

       

[Vaughan_Rarius]

 

 

[Vaughan_Rarius]

 

 

 

[Vaughan_Rarius]

 

[Trisa]

Her heart is fully read

His heart and soul are blackened, dead

But entwined they live again

 

 

\

[Vaughan_Rarius]

 

 

 

[Vaughan_Rarius]

[Vaughan_Rarius]

 

 

[Vaughan_Rarius]

 

 

 

 

[Vaughan_Rarius]