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Vaughan_Rarius

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  • 2 months later...

I'm so glad this thread exists on here! I'm a happy amateur and neophyte when it comes to BDSM. As a deeply submissive person by nature, the thought of giving up control and autonomy, putting my body and will in the custody of another, is an extremely attractive proposition. However, outside of the foundations (Safe, Sane, Consensual) I have mostly been roaming around, testing the waters, experimenting and drawing my own conclusions from the results. I find it very interesting to read everyone's accounts from their own experiences, and I would love to add my own to the conversation. I hope you will forgive some of my perhaps unorthodox conclusions, and I hope they'll prompt you to share some of your own.

With the preamble done, let my first ramble begin.

 

Respect each other's limits, including the dominant's.

The general consensus regarding the power dynamics in a BDSM relationship is that the submissive holds the true power. The submissive sets the limits, and has the power of ending play by invoking the safe word. Within the limits set by the submissive, the dominant has free reign and should expect to be obeyed, but the dom must respect the rules of the game. In all of this I find myself in agreement. After all, the submissive puts their life in the dom's hands, some times literally, so establishing a clear playbook is necessary.

What I don't often find discussed is the dominant's limits. This makes sense. After all the dominant is the perceived figure of power. But the dominant is also human and comes with their own kinks, hangups and hard limits. When establishing the rules, it is important that the dominant also gets to set their limits. For example, the submissive might have a desire to be chocked, but the dominant is absolutely against the idea. In that case, the submissive has to respect this once negotiations are over and play begins. Perhaps this is something that can be renegotiated later, but once a session has begun, the submissive has to respect the limits set and not suddenly spring one of the dominant's hard limits on them ("Choke me!" from the above example).

As with all things BDSM related, the power dynamics are going to get complicated and convoluted when scrutinized too hard, but as long as both parties trust and respect one another, neither one should get hurt.

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  • 1 month later...

On subbing, and how to do it well

As I'm sure I've mentioned before I'm a very submissive person, sexually. I just feel more comfortable putting my body and will in the hands of a dominant, and to follow their lead. However, since I am an amateur researcher as of right now, I began to wonder about submission online. Since the physical aspect of submission is out of the equation, what does the dominant get out of the exchange? After all, the dominant tends to do the heavy lifting, be it taking initiative, thinking up the various scenarios, punishments, rewards et cetera, while the submissive would appear rather passive at first glance.

Now, not to pat myself on the back, but from what people tell me they quite enjoy dominating me, and that gets me wondering: why is that? What makes a good online submissive? I'd like to share my thoughts and hear yours.

1, Respond in kind - By this I don't mean dom right back, but rather try to respond to your dominant's actions with as much effort as they put in. Describe how the dom's actions make your body react, or how they make you feel emotionally. Is your heart pumping? Is your body trembling? Is sweat running down your temple? Does the rope burn into your wrists? Do you feel elated, scared, aroused, angry? Give something back, make your dom really feel what they are doing to you.

2, Build up their confidence - I'm sure many dominants are naturally confident, but like so much BDSM it's a game of playing roles. A dominant who can't get into character is probably going to enjoy themselves less. I always try and help my dominant get into their headspace. When I'm the presence of my master I build them up. They're the most important person in the room, and I make sure they feel that way. If they like me scraping and begging, I'll make sure I earn their ministrations. If they like the bratty kind, I'll be insufferable in a way that makes them wanna roll up their sleeves, pull down my panties and tan my cheeks. Make them feel like the star of the show.

3, Occasionally take the initiative - While the dominant is most often the driving force, you can add to the scene, without taking charge or taking power out of the dominant's hands. Perhaps the dominant hikes your skirt up, only to find you plugged up. Or maybe in the scene you've lit some candles, or prepared some ice cubes, giving the dominant more tools for both your twisted imaginations. Last night in the game my partner and I had a lot of fun with a bottle of liquor that was part of the room we were hanging out in. While the game doesn't offer any interactivity with the bottle, our minds sure did. Oh how the flavor of a kiss can change ^^

What are your own thoughts on the subject? 

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On 4/1/2020 at 9:36 PM, Nektar said:

On subbing, and how to do it well

What are your own thoughts on the subject? 

most of it is agreeable as subs who do not completely sink in their passivity are more enjoyable obviously. I would go even further personally as my sapiosexuality beats my bdsm kink regulary that, if a sub can discuss with me on a topic without submitting to my opinion for the bare reason that i hold the leash is a huge plus but yea... thats a personal thing obviously. maybe im not the only one there? :P

On the other things mentioned... i dont think the ego petting is really necessary, just be yourself and if the dom is acting like a bitch there are subtle ways to make them aware of it? in the end, in my view, its the wrong idea to try compensating the bad character of a person by extra submissiveness and a bad character includes that they need constant ego petting to feel confident with you.

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Hmm, when you frame it like "ego petting" it sounds rather awful. I think of it more like confidence boosting :) Like I said, many doms probably are naturally confident and don't need that kind of boosting from their sub, but I tend to err on the side of cheerleading ^^

I'd imagine it has more value in real life, than online. Online you have an avatar/persona that you can step into at a moment's notice, but irl you're still you, even if wearing an outfit, or putting on a persona, and irl stuff can easily happen that risks breaking the immersion (not the right word, but then English is my second language, so I hope you understand what I'm trying to get across). Like, if the dominant suddenly stubs their toe, it's almost certainly going to take you out of the moment. In my head that's my cue as the slick sub to try and build the dominant up again.

But then I am very eager to please. It's a character flaw of mine :P

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I would never say I "ego pet".  I agree it sounds very negative.  I never do or say anything that is fake.  My Dom knows this.  But I never let him forget that to me he is always the most important person in the room, because he IS.  He is just not on a pedestal, he IS the pedestal as well.  Isn't this the reason we kneel before our Dom's?

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