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Dominants and Submissives


MollyODare

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I am new to the lifestyle. Im an Alpha-Submissive woman. Im strong and a power player in RL. I front metal bands. Im a power vocalist...but im sexually submissive. Im also VERY straight. I was recently with a very charismatic Dom...that treated me like I was his #1...but was collecting a harem. He released me when I raised an objection despite his assertion

That I express my feelings freely. He said I was insecure. My heart is broken. I need help. I need direction. Someone...please...talk me through this..

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Guest SayaX

I am not a dom or sub myself but I have friends who share how you view a dom sub relationship. At first it was quite odd to me that someone with who comes across as with a dominant personality would want to be treated as a sub and maybe they are just not being truthful with themselves about who they are. Then I realised it is about the sub wanting the dom to take control and take the lead sexually.

 

Unfortunately in 3DX I think it is rare to find a dom that isn't collecting a harem. I don't know why. I am not an expert in the subject, although I think in 3DX it is hard to find what you are looking for.

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I am not a dom or sub myself but I have friends who share how you view a dom sub relationship. At first it was quite odd to me that someone with who comes across as with a dominant personality would want to be treated as a sub and maybe they are just not being truthful with themselves about who they are. Then I realised it is about the sub wanting the dom to take control and take the lead sexually.

 

Unfortunately in 3DX I think it is rare to find a dom that isn't collecting a harem. I don't know why. I am not an expert in the subject, although I think in 3DX it is hard to find what you are looking for.

 

 

I totally agree with that!

 

I think its because most of the men here "play" to be dominant and have never experienced such a relationship in RL.

Recently I met one ingame, but he doesnt come here often...

 

I'm still hoping to find someone who doesnt "play" but live the dominance...

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Perhaps the most important thing in any relationship is communication. The D/s lifestyle even more so! Ask a potential Dom/Domme questions.. Is He/She poly-amorous? What direction are they taking you? Where do they see the relationship in a month, week, a year!! Spend some time asking the really hard questions before things get serious. This is standard procedure for most RL D/s relationships and most times ending in a written contract so each person is protected, ,in a sense.. Then be very truthful ask yourself these same questions... If they don't match up then do not take it any further.. Now this doesnt help you now and i understand that :( But please remember if it doesn't feel right then it isn't.. trust your heart and your instincts and follow thru!! You are better off on your own, enjoy your freedom a while.. it hurts but you can do this!! And next time ask the tough questions..( smiles all cute n shit) HUGS FOR YOU HUN!!

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Guest silverbackalphabull

To elaborate on all of the posts above have said without getting into a discussion that could literally be never ending, My personal philosophy has always been as Cheyanne stated, about communication. In this lifestyle communication is the basis for every other aspect between a D/s or M/s. Without complete and total honesty and full disclosure with yourself and the Person you are considering, be it top or bottom, you run a serious risk of being abused, neglected, abandoned or in this case in the online worlds tricked by someone who has no real life experience in the lifestyle. Too many people, yes mostly Men, are more predator then really Dominant in these worlds. They just like to hear their own voices and see if they can make someone do as they tell them. No real lifestyle D/M believes they can be the D/M to every pet, slave or sub since E/everyone has their own specific needs, desires and limits. If you feel you need to be in a mono relationship and not a poly then this is definitely one of the most important questions to ask or as you have found out, you will become very unhappy. Also beware of any so-called D/M who gives commands and orders to any unowned pet, slave or sub. Not only is this a clue to that one is not a real lifestyle D/M but shows they have no regard for the philosophies of SSC or R.A.C.K. Just know that getting into negotiations with a D/M in real life is not like here in the online worlds. Real D/M's will take there time and not push a boy or girl into something nor will they do it 15 minutes after meeting them or after having digital sex. Which leads me to the last point I will make, this lifestyle is not about sex, it's about the strong connection between T/two people who are willing to give each other their gifts, be it ones submission to be cared for and flourished or Ones Dominance to be accepted not because He or She says, "kneeling and or obey" but because after learning who and what you are you have developed a connection to this D/M after days or even weeks getting to know them first. Oh one last alibi, Dominants or Masters do not make themselves, they are made by the ones who choose them.  

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Too many people here try to use labels by containing themselves and others in a very small box. Don't be like those people. Words like "Dom" and "Sub" are not absolute and can mean many different things to different people. Don't let anyone else tell you what you want. Stay open minded, communicate, and do not "settle" for anything and you will find what you are looking for. I wish you the best. :)

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As has been said every D/s relationship is different.

 

I've been with the same Domme now for some months and talking has always got us through any issues that have arisen. Oh, I should also mention that I'm now married to my Domme :wub:  Our relationship started as friends and lovers. Our D/s relationship developed afterwards. We have a good understanding of each other, and she always gives me the opportunity to discuss things. She has never yet given me reason to object to my treatment. In the end, our relationship is about wanting each other to be happy.

 

My experience with Doms has generally not been positive. Some men who call themselves "Dom" seem to think that sub means the same as slut :angry: They seem to have no interest in conversation or the needs of the sub, and just want someone available for sex (thus the harem thing I suspect).

 

I'm sure there are some good Doms out there. Take your time and I'm sure you'll find the one that's right for you. ;) 

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Guest Erotica13

Sorry Molly, I know exactly how you feel and how hard it is.  Can we ever truly feel like #1 with a master/mistress?  I use master/mistress as this is what I think of when someone has many subs.  Maybe the answer is a dom/domme not looking for a harem.  Chey and Silver make great points about communication and I agree 100%, but even that is extremely hard here.  But always do what you did in raising your voice, it's your strongest asset here.

 

Never mistake submission for weakness!

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He just stopped talking to me. It felt like he abandoned me. He promised that he wouldnt collar another sub that was released by another Dom. He became heavily involved with her. When I asked him about it...he released me and instantly replaced me with her. I was lied to. My sadness and feelings of abandonment are giving way to anger now...

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Hello there :3

 

First of all i have been in your place at least on how you feel.

 

My first Master... i still think he was a good guy, he helped me discover a side of myself that before didnt really make sense. We had a brief but very rewarding relationship in the beggining. I was his favorite but not his only one. I learned to share and i learned i could love more than one person.

 

What happened was... the arrival of a new sister. At first i didnt like her. Specially when Sir started spending more time with her and less time with me. I waited for good two months feeling like i was a toy abandoned in a corner. It hurt.

 

In the end  i had to talk with him. And ask to be released.  He fell in love with my sister. I didnt had any place there anymore. We remained somewhat friends but he really closed to me mostly coz she was insecure about me.

 

The funny thing is that as time passed she and i became really good friends untill she sadly passed away. 

 

My words to you are this....

 

Your first Master experience might have not been all good but it was a lesson... it showed you a side of yourself that you need to explore. You need to find what is what you really need and settle for nothing less.

 

Dont be afraid to get to know the person first, dont get discouraged if you try but dont seem to find the right one. Each experience brings a new lesson, each one will help you discover what you like.

 

I wish you all the luck in your journey. And maybe right now you feel sad about how it ended and that is natural. It will pass.

 

 

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I totally agree with that!

 

I think its because most of the men here "play" to be dominant and have never experienced such a relationship in RL.

Recently I met one ingame, but he doesnt come here often...

 

I'm still hoping to find someone who doesnt "play" but live the dominance...

Most of the men "play" to be dominant and I would also add that most of the subs "play" to be sub without having a real experience about it. And I think because this is a game, a virtual world, where people can try something they are attracted to. And I can say that they truly want ang give their effort for that because they like it, but like in every try you can fail or you can find that your "comfort zone" is not becoming a Dom or a sub, but "playing" like that just because you like it it that moment or in this virtual world.

So I think that finding Dom having a harem is quite normal, and this doesn't mean they cannot have it. Maybe they are real Dom who didn't find a real sub in here so they collect others, or maybe they just want to create a harem.

On the other side one can say that that Dom is only playing role, so he promises eternal relationship to someone and when she's not online he acts the same with others.

 

In this world, and this is my opinion, as someone else already said in here, a Dom is made by a sub and a sub is made by a Dom. They are only persons, but they can give the roles they want when that communication (verbal and physical) meets and evolves. After that the behaviour will lead that roles relation.

 

Sorry for what happened, but I wanted just to give you another point of view which maybe can be helpful in future.

 

A kiss

 

Nion

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  • 3 weeks later...

Most of the men "play" to be dominant and I would also add that most of the subs "play" to be sub without having a real experience about it. And I think because this is a game, a virtual world, where people can try something they are attracted to. And I can say that they truly want ang give their effort for that because they like it, but like in every try you can fail or you can find that your "comfort zone" is not becoming a Dom or a sub, but "playing" like that just because you like it it that moment or in this virtual world.

So I think that finding Dom having a harem is quite normal, and this doesn't mean they cannot have it. Maybe they are real Dom who didn't find a real sub in here so they collect others, or maybe they just want to create a harem.

On the other side one can say that that Dom is only playing role, so he promises eternal relationship to someone and when she's not online he acts the same with others.

 

In this world, and this is my opinion, as someone else already said in here, a Dom is made by a sub and a sub is made by a Dom. They are only persons, but they can give the roles they want when that communication (verbal and physical) meets and evolves. After that the behaviour will lead that roles relation.

 

Sorry for what happened, but I wanted just to give you another point of view which maybe can be helpful in future.

 

A kiss

 

Nion

I agree with you  to a point first  Dom's  being Dom's  Are they really  and if  they are real dont need a Harem could be an ego thing or a control freak and honestly as a  real Dom

as I am  2 Max and they both know of each other meet greet ect. Do not hide it.if you know the Code you never recruit anothers  subby or slave  a dome has patient's honor and Trust.

and I would like to say one Final thing be Nice even you hate men fine But dont be rude  of say fuck off or whatever i would not do that to you.You hate men fine But Respect me as I give respect..thank you 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I'll post this here for any curious mind who happens to wonder by.

 

The Submissive's Owner's Manual: I want vs. I need
written by: Jade Richardson, 1997 (may she rest in peace)

We often confuse these two things: I WANT and I NEED. Although they may seem to be the same at first glance, there is a huge difference in the two. We want a lot of things in life; money, new cars, a beautiful home, success, and hot fudge sundaes, just to name a few. But how many of them do we really need? Very often the things we want are not always things that are the best for us and are usually self-indulgent wishes that change as fast as the top ten hits on VH1. "Needs" are a different situation. They are the fundamentals we require to remain mentally and physically healthy and allow us to grow spiritually and emotionally. I may really want a hot fudge sundae but survive quite well without it. But, I cannot thrive without my basic needs being met.

We've had many encounters with unhappy submissives who bemoan the fact their Dominant does not give them what they need. As we listen to the list of complaints, we sometimes find a lot of "wants" mixed in with a few valid "needs" in the charges against their Dominant. Sorting them out isn't always easy for either the submissive or Dominant in a relationship. Each person is unique and comes with their own special requirements. Without a doubt, this is one area that requires communication skills and time before either party can confidently determine what they want or need from the other. The Submissive Owner's Manual may help you to understand some of the complexities of the Dominant/submissive relationship.

Submissive Owner's Manual

I need to feel safe

Before I can begin to open my submissive nature to You, I need to feel safe and have reason to trust You. To let down my walls and give You control of my will may take time and testing before I feel safe enough to permit either of us to go beyond the initial stages of our relationship. Even after I've given myself to You fully, I need to be reminded I am safe with You. I may like to feel the thrill and excitement of fear and the unknown, but I need to be sure no matter how You stimulate those emotions during an intense scene or situation, I will remain safe in Your care.
I need to know You accept me for all I am

I will be many things to You as our relationship grows and I need to know You accept me as a person during each transition along the way. I need to know You accept me as a friend, lover, companion, and Your submissive but also accept me as parent, child, employee, community member or other roles I fill in my obligations to family or society.
I need to have clearly defined limits

I need to know exactly what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits. In some ways I am like a child that needs a fence around my play area so I know how far I can go and feel secure inside those limits. I need You to reinforce those fences by correcting me when I try to climb them without Your approval.
I need You to be consistent

I need to know You mean what You say and that today's rules will apply to tomorrow's behavior. Nothing confuses me more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that You've given me. From time to time I may test You to see if You are capable of accepting control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path You've chosen for me. It's not done to try Your patience, but is my way of finding reassurance You are paying attention to my progress. Very often it's not done consciously and I promise I'll not use it as a method for provoking Your negative responses.
I need to expand my limits

I need to grow and to be challenged. Left on my own, I'll become bored or stagnate within the boundaries I accepted in the beginning. I need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places I've been. I may drag my feet and pout at times, or sit down and refuse to move because I'm unsure and need Your guidance in overcoming my obstacles. I depend on You for strength and encouragement to get beyond them.
I need You to teach me

I need to learn, and it is You who are my teacher. My mind is hungry for new things and learning helps me to become all that I can be. This may require You to continue to learn new things in order to keep me challenged. Together we can grow to the fullness of the gifts we have and deepen the diversity we share.
I need goals

Part of my make-up as a submissive makes me very goal-oriented. I need them to measure my progress and need You to provide them for me. Take time to explain those goals in ways I can comprehend Your plans concerning my growth as Your submissive. Without Your direction, I quickly become lost so I'll look to You frequently to provide a purpose and aim as I continue in my development as a submissive.
I need to be corrected

I need You to correct me when I make mistakes. Without Your correction, I will develop bad habits that can be very difficult to break and do great damage to our relationship and to us as individuals. Without Your correction, I may never know I've made a mistake. Allowing me to continue unchecked will only cause me to fail both of us in the end. I admire firmness in Your correction and feel secure in knowing that You will never be afraid to take steps needed in keeping me focused on the goals You've set for me.
I need You to be my role-model

I look up to You and try to follow in Your footsteps. If You fail to live up to a standard, I will follow You into failure, often without You noticing until it is too late. I learn quickly by the examples You provide for me and often base my reactions and behaviors on my observations of You in similar situations. I will blindly pattern myself in Your image, so be aware that my eyes will always be on You as You face Your own challenges and daily activities.
I need Your approval and reassurance

I need to know when You approve of me or what I've done and to know I belong to You even if I fall short of my goals. I sometimes confuse approval with disapproval when You do not provide positive reinforcement when You are pleased by my actions. I will constantly be seeking Your approval when I'm unsure of myself and may need to rely deeply on Your support and reassurance when I'm confused about a situation or apprehensive about a new challenge.
I need to be able to express myself

I have a need to express both good and bad things to You but it may be difficult for me to put the negative things into words. I fear Your rejection and hate disappointing You, so I may need a little space and time to voice all the things I need to say. You can help me by reassuring me that my feelings are valid, even if they aren't something You find pleasure in hearing. There may be times when I'm upset or angry with You but without freedom to express those feelings, there can be only festering resentment or misunderstanding. Guide me in ways that I can learn to speak my heart without breaking it or Yours.
I need to learn from my mistakes

I need to experience things that may be painful in order to learn successfully. I know Your protective nature will struggle with allowing me to be hurt but I need to learn the consequences of what I've done and to experience the feelings that go along with making mistakes. I will need Your comfort once I've faced my failure, but will sometimes feel unworthy of asking or unable to voice my disappointment in failing. Allow me to sort out my feelings before wiping away my tears.
I need forgiveness when I fail You

Nothing hurts me more than to know I've failed or displeased You, and I need to be forgiven once I've made amends. It is very hard for me to forgive myself for a wrong-doing and I may need Your help in getting beyond the feelings of remorse I am carrying. I may even need to be punished, if my wrong-doing was traumatic enough, in order to feel closure and accept forgiveness. I depend on You to make that determination for me and need Your help in making an atonement that is acceptable to You.
I need to feel I contribute

I have a deep-set need to give and must have outlets for this need. My basic nature is to give of myself and You will be the primary recipient of my gifts. Allow me to contribute to our relationship and our life together. To do less will leave me unfulfilled and unneeded, a fate worse than death for me. Provide me with ways to contribute things to others, also. I may need to give of myself to those I hold dear but You will always receive the best I have to offer.
I need to enjoy successes

Without experiencing and enjoying my successes, I may give up my fight to be all You desire for me. Allow me the pleasure of savoring the taste of victory when I overcome an obstacle or if You find pride in my attempts. All of my successes belong to You and I need to share their rewards with You. I don't expect You to spoil me with grand displays for little victories, but when I've reached beyond the limits of my past attempts, please don't deny me the sweet feelings of knowing I've achieved a goal You've set.
I need to share with You

Sharing with You is a compelling need and one of the cornerstones of my submissive nature. This includes the emotional and spiritual aspects of my being as well as the physical body I inhabit. It may be difficult for me to give You access to the deeper levels of my emotions and feelings, but those are the things I need to share the most. I'll depend on You to direct me in ways I can achieve total openness with You. I also need to share in the things You are. Trust me enough to share in Your fears, failures and struggles. I'll never see You as weak or incapable because You have shown confidence in me by giving part of Yourself in trust.
I need to feel loved, respected, and protected in Your ownership

No matter how well I've done or how miserably I've failed, I need to know I'm still loved and protected by You. Nothing will prevent me from trying new things like fear of losing Your respect and love. By the reverse, nothing will encourage me to expand my limits and grow to be all I am capable of being more than knowing You will be there to protect me from harm and will love me even if I fall short of the target. I need to be loved and to love You in return. I can't survive without it.

 

Hopefully this helps some people out there that need to know what a sub needs.  These are generalized, but follow it and I bet you'll have a better relationship in no time ^^;  

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Violet, a very useful post. I would suggest every Dom or would be Dom should read that and read it again.

 

Otherwise, I would hesitate to judge every Dom/Domme who appears to be gathering a harem. It's not to my taste but I recognise that many of these harems are more loose gatherings of mutual friends than anything else.

 

My personal approach is what I've come to through my experiences and personality. I have distaste for manipulative, selfish and cruel Doms and a distaste for those that take on more subs than they can handle. It is a sign of selfishness and I've never believed a Dom should be selfish. The opposite in fact.

 

My domination is underpinned by love, compassion and caring as much about the pets needs as much as my own. I dominate through the pets love for me, and it is my duty as her Dom to endeavour to always deserve that love, to always be conscious of her feelings, to push but never force. A good Dom should not have to force ever.

 

I punish, but I'm never cruel and always from a place of love.

 

Many may disagree with my approach, but this is what works for me and my pet.

 

For the most part I can only reiterate what has been said before. Open unjudgemental honest communication is absolutely vital. A Dom should take some time to get to know their sub, know their needs wants desires. A sub needs to understand exactly what is expected of them. You have no right to punish when the sub was in the dark that they had broken a wish of yours. Both sides need to talk and talk hard about expectations and make sure you both understand exactly what the relationship entails.

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Indulge me for posting a second time, but I realised I had more thoughts to add on this subject.

 

it occurs to me that if I wanted to build a harem I could very easily. This week alone I was asked to be a Dom for multiple people and I didn't question it at the time but reading back I had a feeling that there are more people here that are submissive than there are good Dom/dommes . Someone playing as Dom could very easily build themselves a harem very quickly. I could but I choose on principle not to as I think that it is not fair to my pet to spread my love too far. I would risk not being able to meet any of their needs.

 

So I said no. Although it broke my heart to, it would have been worse to say yes.

 

I have seen inexperienced doms take on too many at once and let them all down in a horrible way.

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  • 1 month later...

Hello there :3

 

First of all i have been in your place at least on how you feel.

 

My first Master... i still think he was a good guy, he helped me discover a side of myself that before didnt really make sense. We had a brief but very rewarding relationship in the beggining. I was his favorite but not his only one. I learned to share and i learned i could love more than one person.

 

What happened was... the arrival of a new sister. At first i didnt like her. Specially when Sir started spending more time with her and less time with me. I waited for good two months feeling like i was a toy abandoned in a corner. It hurt.

 

In the end  i had to talk with him. And ask to be released.  He fell in love with my sister. I didnt had any place there anymore. We remained somewhat friends but he really closed to me mostly coz she was insecure about me.

 

The funny thing is that as time passed she and i became really good friends untill she sadly passed away. 

 

God.  This is so fucking sad.  Every time I read it it makes my want to curl up and cry.  I hope you're doing okay, Lucifera.  

 

And you too, Molly.  

 

[Hugs to you both]

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