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Derai’s diary, dreams, dialog and discussions (oh my)


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Figured it’s about time I made myself a spot on these forums.  Y’all can ask me about anything.    First off a little about me I reckon.    Name’s Derai. Often called ‘Dee’, ‘D’ or ‘He

I am Dutch.  Born from a Dutch mother and a German father.  Both my bloodlines bring with them a load of dark history.  My mother’s maiden name is the same as one of the main crime lords the Net

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6 hours ago, Derai said:

Welp...

Guess I got myself shunned from another sub-community in 3DX, for being an agitator. 
Funny how that works if you publicly call out those in ‘power’.

Can’t keep quiet, in the face of (perceived) injustices. 
Might I be in the wrong? Undoubtedly a possibility.
I might also be right. 
No sense in staying though.

Toodles to Slutmoore RP. It’s been fun.

But it was a side venture for me. 
Onward to greener pastures and better horizons. 


Just a thought.

I just find some of this so odd.  

For a wide range of reasons we find ourselves in this game, the related discord communities, this forum.  Probably most in common, is the freedom here to explore ourselves with others, the things we are either uncomfortable or unable to outside this space.  Without that key word 'others', we might as well just watch porn.  This should be celebrated!

No one should be shunned for asking questions, arguing valid points, speaking up when you see things that will shrink a community not grow it.  That is where you are right, Derai.

Slutmoore 'leadership' decided to put a stake in the ground.  Fine.  They may now be poorer because of it.

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It’s very hard not to hate myself. 
Rationally I know I am just depressed and sleep deprived. 
Not able to reign in my rage and indignation about things I can laugh off when rested and sound of mind. 
Irrationally I’m just so angry.

Jealous of those that can shrug and move on. Furious at those that are just living their lives. 

How dare I think they should share my anger. My fury.

I’m stuck with nothing but my roiling rage and have nowhere to escape to.

I burn my bridges over troubled waters and lose myself in the waves of my lethargy and self pity. 

I am toxic. 
I am not worthy. 
 But I am me.  

Stuck being the thing I hate. 
Stuck in this never ending cycle of happiness and heartbreak. 

Defining madness by constantly trying again. Hoping this time will be different.

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Oi! You there! 

You ARE worth it. 

When you’re down in deepest cavern look up. Just because you can’t see? The sky and stars are still there. If ya can’t see em, just close you eyes and imagine.  

And maybe, one day, you’ll reach them but if you don’t, you can still say you grasped for them. 

As for being alone? No one is ever truly alone. No matter how hard you try to shun, to hide, someone will always care. 

Am I talking bollocks? Probably. Probably but I’m one who’s suffered and recognises suffering. It’s life, it’s being human. 

“Sometimes you will look around you and say to yourself, ‘I don’t fit in, I’m different to everyone.’ To know this is to learn one of the greatest lessons in life: human beings all do exactly the same things completely different from each other. All of these millions of souls, all in different stages of evolution… how could we ever be the same? We just go to the same school!”

Take care and excuse me scribbling on your diary ;) 

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Dee, Re-read what AtticusFinch stated above. Well said.

I don't have many words to add.  Just want to hug those negative thoughts out of you.  It is weird the different optics of looking in the mirror versus how others can see ourselves.  As for me:

You are NOT toxic. 
You are SO worthy. 
You are YOU. 

The longer I know you the more my respect and admiration of you continues to grow.  Are you imperfect, yes.  Am I imperfect, hell yes.  But with each step along this path called life, together, we can move that needle ever more positive.  

Edited by JackPine
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As someone who's tussled with depression, I know what you're going through. It's good that you can look at things rationally, but it doesn't make it any easier, really. Just know that you're not alone. You have friends, as well as virtual strangers, on here who care about you. So batten down the hatches and ride out the storm. The clouds will part and the sun will shine on you yet again :)

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Derai I know where you are coming from as I have been there myself. I grew up not so much hating myself but hating the life that had been given to me. I had a lot of bad things happen to me when I was young that had me believing that is my life and how things are for me. I would see others that were always happy and never having to face the things I had to and would get really jealous and angry. When I was in primary school I was super skinny and had no bum, I was always teased and tended to react to it badly which just made things worse. Later in high school when I had filled out and the boys started to notice me, 2 of them lied about me saying I had done things with them I had not which gave me a reputation I did not deserve, plus the queen of the bitch brigade who had already decided she didn't like me made sure she made it stick. I won't get into what happened when I was 16 although I have talked about it in these forums before and some people do know. What it all did to me though is have me thinking that is how my life is, like it was so much different to everyone else and I just had to bare it. For a long time even when things were going right for me I would always be waiting and expecting something to come along or happen that would stuff it up as that was what always seemed to happen. It is only recently I have realised that I no longer think that way. I was lucky, I had people around me that could often figure me out and seem to know just what to say to pick me up and help me get back on the right track. So I thought I would like to share some of things that were said to me that stuck and did a lot to help me through it.

Life for everyone is full of things that go wrong and things we don't like, we are always having to do things we don't want to and face things we would rather not have to. It seems we all have to do that much more than we get to see things go right and do things we really enjoy that present moments of true happiness. But when those moments do happen that is what makes it all worth while. Unfortunately we live in a world where times of real enjoyment are much outweighed by times we do not really enjoy, like having to work and do things we just do not like having to do. To many things happen that have us feeling down and make us unhappy at that time. But without those times could we really have times of true happiness that leave us feeling really good. If everything always went right and there was nothing that happened that would have us feeling down could we still find those times where we experience true happiness that makes it all worth while. Wouldn't it all become boring and have us still looking for something more. We have to accept there will always be things go wrong and always be things happen we do not like, that it is part of life and actually needed to allow us to find those times of true happiness that makes it all worth while. 

I learnt to push myself through the bad times and not put so much to them. I focussed on doing and planning things, working towards things that could have those moments of true happiness happen for me. More times than not they wouldn't work out but the more I tried the more they did happen. It wasn't easy as even when I did get good things working I could not get past expecting something to come along that would stuff it all up. But I kept thinking about what I had been told, that without the bad times we can't really get the good, that without things that go wrong we can't really have things that go right. I found the more I pushed aside the bad things and focussed on finding, or more so pushing and planning for the good the more good things happened. 

Edited by Twiggy
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  • 2 weeks later...

Haven’t been writing much lately. 
Been running on to little sleep for to long.

Still am if I’m honest. But can’t help myself. 
Been having FUN in 3DX of late though. 
 

Knocked it out of the Park DJ’ing for one of the BCA events. 
Found out I literally have a Fan out there. 
It’s humbling to find out someone genuinely and honestly Loves things you do. 
Now others have said those things over the years. But not in this adorable intensity. 
 

Haven’t been on my Derai Avi for a bit though. 
Made an Roleplaying Alt, and been playing on the Slutmoore map every day. 
The drama from before has been smoothed over, I apologized for how I said some things. And they met me halfway and apologized for their behavior and responses. 
 

I think that’s what should happen. 
Both sides willing to step down from their soap boxes and just agree to disagree on things. 
live and let live. 
But damn that’s hard at times. 
 

But anyhow I’m rambling on again. 

TL;DR, Life’s good. 

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Those little moments when you realize there is good in the bad.  
Even though they might seem hypocritical or iffy at first. 
 

Corona measures meaning my sector manager at work can’t just wander into my workplace as she used to. Leaving me more time to slack off and indulge in my internet addiction.  
 

Said internet addiction leading me to stay up way to long at home, leading to sleep deprivation. But! Also leading to me connecting with people and finding meaningful conversations and friendships. 
 

Friendships turning out to be false as people try to make me pick sides. Leading to me finding out things I’ve missed in other relationships. 
Making Those bonds stronger as others that became toxic fade away. 
 

Feeling people fade away from me, but with distance realizing that I was to close to long to see the faults and cracks in their facade. 
 

My own facade breaking when new people find cracks and wiggle a root of friendship into them. Letting it blossom into a field of flowery prose and shared delights. 
 

Life is good. 
Life is bad. 
Life is Life. 
And I’m alive to experience it. 
That counts. 

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40 minutes ago, Derai said:

Those little moments when you realize there is good in the bad.  
Even though they might seem hypocritical or iffy at first. 
 

Corona measures meaning my sector manager at work can’t just wander into my workplace as she used to. Leaving me more time to slack off and indulge in my internet addiction.  
 

Said internet addiction leading me to stay up way to long at home, leading to sleep deprivation. But! Also leading to me connecting with people and finding meaningful conversations and friendships. 
 

Friendships turning out to be false as people try to make me pick sides. Leading to me finding out things I’ve missed in other relationships. 
Making Those bonds stronger as others that became toxic fade away. 
 

Feeling people fade away from me, but with distance realizing that I was to close to long to see the faults and cracks in their facade. 
 

My own facade breaking when new people find cracks and wiggle a root of friendship into them. Letting it blossom into a field of flowery prose and shared delights. 
 

Life is good. 
Life is bad. 
Life is Life. 
And I’m alive to experience it. 
That counts. 

And I'm alive live to experience you.

That counts too.  Your words resonate with me and many.  Thank you and keep sharing your gift, Derai, that is you.

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  • 2 weeks later...
1 hour ago, Derai said:

Just in case she chickens out or gets her post deleted.
Another example of how Jade thinks.
Now everyone who leaves a 'Laugh' Reaction on her nonsense, is a Nazi...
Yeah... Really...
'nuff said.

Screenshot 2020-11-09 141354.png

Fucking hell, that is disgusting. 

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Roads less traveled can result in the most spectacular views. 

If we are never lost have we truly found ourselves? 

With that said sending hugs and positive energy to you, Derai.  May joy find you.  You so richly deserve it.  You are one of the finest people I have met, and not just here.

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It’s okay to not be okay. 
It’s okay to be sad. 
It’s okay to be happy. 
It’s okay to be sad when others are happy. 
It’s okay to be happy when others are sad. 
It’s okay. 
 

That said, I’m okay. 
And I’m pretty okay with being okay.
Life gave a few lemons along the way. 
Burned down a houses with them, yay~
But it is as they say. 
Okay. 

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