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Some basic stuff about bdsm and profiles


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Well,

There are a few things that i constantly run into when reading profiles that seem utterly unnecessary, feel free to share your views:

- Forcing or asking subs/lovers to put your name into the profile despite everybody knowing that people with mentioned names do get unattractive for everyone else especially in the BDSM context. Even if youre monogamous and i doubt the most people are, whats the big deal to allow your playpartners not being shackled to you when youre not online. you just bore them. if someone wants to be loyal, why not giving them the chance to show it without forced social distancing?

-people distinguishing between "real" and "fake" subs/doms/whatever-bdsm-content. Are you even aware how silly the thought is that someone has the right to decide the right way to do BDSM? There is exactly one rule for sex in general which is consent and that rule is established in 3dx without anything needed to be said or done because you cant do shit with other people without them wanting it. I get theorycrafting is a fun thing to do but i recently had once again someone starting a sentence with "since we, in the kinky community...". for god sake people. put yourself in as many imaginary communities as you wish to but do not pretend you know shit about how sex should be done because the only person you can decide that for is you and you alone.

- people describing themselves as smart, funny, cool or whatever attribute that geniunely only works in comparison to others. In my whole life i didnt met a single smart person calling themselves smart. Im serious. They dont exist. Smart means being able to be reflectory and people who do that will quickly understand that they first and foremost do have alot of "missing" knowledge. People have biologically a very biased view on themselves. its genetically better to be overconfident then being underconfident so to speak hence you cannot possibly be secure if you are cool or witty or just plain arrogant so why the hack do you keep putting this shit in your profiles? Towards the so called dominants its especially ridicolous. Let me tell you a secret: someone who is dominant does not need to say it, people notice it themselves. IF you have to say it to make sure people understand that you want to be this way, its a secure method to let everyone with a tiny bit of thinking capacity know youre insecure about it.

as said, feel free to post your protest, agreement or whatever, keep it civil though.

cheers

Edited by IKushiel
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41 minutes ago, IKushiel said:

- Forcing or asking subs/lovers to put your name into the profile despite everybody knowing that people with mentioned names do get unattractive for everyone else especially in the BDSM context. Even if youre monogamous and i doubt the most people are, whats the big deal to allow your playpartners not being shackled to you when youre not online. you just bore them. if someone wants to be loyal, why not giving them the chance to show it without forced social distancing?

Perhaps they become unattractive to you.  That is your own opinion and you are entitled to it.  I have never asked anyone, current or past, to put my name or picture on the profiles.  . Nor has anyone 'forced' me. That is quite a personal choice. The act of forcing it makes it less meaningful.  Whether they have the name of their partner on their profile or not that person is a big part of their vl and it is on their profile to make sure you are aware of their place in their lives as well as to honor them.  You would rather they hide it from you? Lie? Or would you rather be aware of it right from the start?  My VL partner/husband/Master and I have been together almost 2 years now.  We married after 7 months but we remain in an open relationship.  Neither of us have found to have become 'unattractive',  in fact, I have found just the opposite to be true.  It is more like waving a red flag at a bull.  We may be open but we are very picky and tell each other everything.  Each relationship is different and created by those in it.  

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1 hour ago, IKushiel said:

Towards the so called dominants its especially ridicolous. Let me tell you a secret: someone who is dominant does not need to say it, people notice it themselves. IF you have to say it to make sure people understand that you want to be this way, its a secure method to let everyone with a tiny bit of thinking capacity know youre insecure about it.

I disagree 100%.  A dominant knows what they are looking for and perhaps, as an individual, does not wish to waste his time on those who are totally vanilla.  I take it as a strength not an insecurity.

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26 minutes ago, SusanLouisa said:

Perhaps they become unattractive to you.

I didnt personally accused anyone so no idea why you feel like you have to defend yourself but... a sub that has "collared" or anything alike in their profile will experience fewer people approaching her, you cannot possibly deny that, can you?

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2 hours ago, Ross The TboR said:

don't let it bother you, she is perpetually offended over everything.

I was not at all offended.  Just because I disagree with her does not mean I am offended.  Who are YOU to speak for me?  Which one of you are you today? lol

She invited discussion.  I was respectful.  It interested me.  

Edited by SusanLouisa
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2 hours ago, IKushiel said:

I didnt personally accused anyone so no idea why you feel like you have to defend yourself but... a sub that has "collared" or anything alike in their profile will experience fewer people approaching her, you cannot possibly deny that, can you?

I am collared.  I am married.  And all my pictures in my gallery apply to my husband/Master.  I have plenty of men interested in me anyway.

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38 minutes ago, SusanLouisa said:

I am collared.  I am married.  And all my pictures in my gallery apply to my husband/Master.  I have plenty of men interested in me anyway.

im not talking about you and never said there is nobody interested in collared people :). Its like saying there is no climate change because "hell, its cold here!" <.< i know from a lot of people that they get measurable less interaction with others since they are married / collared and so on. im not believing youre really plainly denying it :=. oh and im male by the way in case thats not clear by the nick.

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40 minutes ago, IKushiel said:

im not talking about you and never said there is nobody interested in collared people :). Its like saying there is no climate change because "hell, its cold here!" <.< i know from a lot of people that they get measurable less interaction with others since they are married / collared and so on. im not believing youre really plainly denying it :=. oh and im male by the way in case thats not clear by the nick.

I was aware of what you were saying and I am not offended by anything you have said.  I am just saying that my personal experience differs from your statements.

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personal experience is something very subjective obviously. But if you have the feeling you get the same interest or even more since youre bound: good for you i guess, youre the exception then. Look im not condemning everyone who does that. some do it purposefully to to have less interaction with others or claim atleast so to satisfy their partners (assumingly) but i dont think the most players really prefer this limitation and liking to bore out when theyre logged in alone.

Edited by IKushiel
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@IKushiel

to my embarrassment I've been guilty of accusing people of being "fake" subs and doms, etc. It was early in my forays into BDSM, and you could say I had the zeal of the recently converted.

I've since learned to chill the fuck out and let people do their thing. As long as people are being safe, sane and consensual, have fun!

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As I said, I did not take it personally nor was I offended as was suggested by..cough… I just found your statements to be contrary to what we have experienced.  Whether posted on profile or not mine is mine and his is his is my point.  I would not wish to mislead anyone, which to me is what the norm seems to be on this game.  I'd rather say hey we can play but when he calls I'm leaving for my priority and have it not be a surprise.

Edited by SusanLouisa
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10 hours ago, IKushiel said:

Forcing or asking subs/lovers to put your name into the profile

Forcing is bad. About asking:

10 hours ago, IKushiel said:

despite everybody knowing that people with mentioned names do get unattractive for everyone else especially in the BDSM context.

That's not true. And don't talk for "everybody". You are not everybody. You are you. And you don't even have statistics, or you would not say "everybody" because there are a lot of people who have nothing against having fun with collared subs. 

Yes, there is a good amount of doms who does not want to do anything with subs owned by other people. Many of them – the ones who are not interested in D/S fun if it can't possibly lead to BDSM relationship. And it's only a good thing that sub is getting unattractive for them as partners, saving sub, their owner and possible competitors from the possible drama.

10 hours ago, IKushiel said:

people distinguishing between "real" and "fake" subs/doms/whatever-bdsm-content.

 Oh, that's me. Guilty :P

I know that is not cool, but I can't help myself – when I see some dom with a list of almost 10 subs in their profile – I just can't see them as a proper dom. They are collectors, not doms. They could not possible give their subs enough time and care. And when it's dom or sub offering a collar or to be collared after spending a hour or two together. I can't take these people seriously. Tho usually I am silent about it and not trying to teach others how to play. But yeah, in my head – I can't take them seriously.

10 hours ago, IKushiel said:

Towards the so called dominants its especially ridicolous.

Aren't you are the one who right now divide people into "real" and "fake" doms yourself? 

10 hours ago, IKushiel said:

you cant do shit with other people without them wanting it.

You can. Dom sometimes can has pretty strong effect on submissive and if dom has abusive personality it can lead to them exploiting this dependency they created and making subs agree to do stuff that subs don't really want to do.

10 hours ago, IKushiel said:

Let me tell you a secret: someone who is dominant does not need to say it, people notice it themselves. IF you have to say it to make sure people understand that you want to be this way, its a secure method to let everyone with a tiny bit of thinking capacity know youre insecure about it.

There is absolutely nothing wrong to identify yourself as a sub/dom/switch in the profile of sex game, if you are into BDSM. It's not about bragging, it's about making it easier for each other to find a right partner. 

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6 hours ago, Xizl said:

Yes, there is a good amount of doms who does not want to do anything with subs owned by other people. Many of them – the ones who are not interested in D/S fun if it can't possibly lead to BDSM relationship. And it's only a good thing that sub is getting unattractive for them as partners, saving sub, their owner and possible competitors from the possible drama.

which is what i said with the difference that i dont believe that most people do not want to not be approached or flirted with even when theyre "taken". And yea sure this is about time spend together but its also about experience. Lets be real: online relations do usually not last forever for a reason: people getting bored by each other and where is the point to get bored while the partner is not even around? or is anyone thrilled to wait for them coming online? Its a habit that does nobody a favor in the long term, yea it feels good having someone liking you enough to bind themselves to you but, this is obviously just my opinion: thats not worth the prize they and you are paying.

6 hours ago, Xizl said:

Aren't you are the one who right now divide people into "real" and "fake" doms yourself?

There is absolutely nothing wrong to identify yourself as a sub/dom/switch in the profile of sex game, if you are into BDSM. It's not about bragging, it's about making it easier for each other to find a right partner. 

I please you to differ here: I would never judge a person of their way to enjoy sex. But people writing objectively stupid stuff in their profile like bragging how strong and badass they are cannot complain when they earn a raised brow. And no: thats not necessary to accelerate the partner search. Ive seen plenty of plenty "dominant" profiles without them mentioning it directly aswell as ive seen plenty of smart or intended cheap profiles without mentioning that once. It takes more effort but not each shortcut is a good one. But maybe its just me who likes the subtleness of things and everyone else getting wet or hard when they read of how dominant a person thinks he or she is?

Quote

You can. Dom sometimes can has pretty strong effect on submissive and if dom has abusive personality it can lead to them exploiting this dependency they created and making subs agree to do stuff that subs don't really want to do.

sorry but simply no. things are not the same as irl BDSM relations where you obviously HAVE a responsibility due to the very controlling and intrusive nature of the whole thing. online, people are by default and own choice anonymous for a reason. they can end the relation with one little click. if they do not like how things are developing they will end it. you are first and foremost responsible for your health, not for the sub or dom which you enjoy a played out consensual fantasy with. yea there are those who wrongly connect real feelings into this which is a human thing to do, but if you find yourself in that situation ask yourself the following: would i feel the same if i would meet them in rl and am i sure my partner does so aswell? if there are any doubts that the answer is yes then you enjoy a fantasy and nothing more. some people like to play out such feelings: love, care, friendship and so on and thats all fine and good but everyone should remind themselves for their own good that aslong it happens online its basically nothing but acting and in no way a reliable base someone should risk their mental well being for when they get disappointed. To come back to your statement: if you find your partner doing things they dont want to do they are mentally not fit for any sex, be it BDSM related or Vanilla. You are fucking a mental child then. The whole point of prohibiting minor sex with adults is that we expect from adults to net allow others to manipulate them in such a harmful way but being able to think and decide themselves.

6 hours ago, Xizl said:

Oh, that's me. Guilty :P

I know that is not cool, but I can't help myself – when I see some dom with a list of almost 10 subs in their profile – I just can't see them as a proper dom. They are collectors, not doms. They could not possible give their subs enough time and care. And when it's dom or sub offering a collar or to be collared after spending a hour or two together. I can't take these people seriously. Tho usually I am silent about it and not trying to teach others how to play. But yeah, in my head – I can't take them seriously.

Thats totally taste driven though. and i have seen alot of hoarders being able to play very realistically and detailed, usually the hoarding is more due to people not updating their list in contrary to presenting really the list of active subs someone has. I find the whole point of listing nonsense as already described but i wouldnt agree to say that "hoarders" are in any way "worse" doms as people who dedicate their profile to one person. Its subjective in its very core, happy you have noticed that yourself :)

Edited by IKushiel
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3 hours ago, IKushiel said:

online relations do usually not last forever for a reason: people getting bored by each other

RL relationship usually not lasts forever too. If something does not lasts forever it does not mean that it's not worthy.

3 hours ago, IKushiel said:

which is what i said with the difference that i dont believe that most people do not want to not be approached or flirted with even when theyre "taken".

Approached by who? By doms who want to eventually collar this sub? If sub, already beyond collared, want to play with other doms who seek to collar him/her themselves – sub should reconsider his/hers relationship status. 
Or approached by doms in general? Well, it's not a problem then. Doms approaching collared subs. Just less of them. 

3 hours ago, IKushiel said:

people getting bored by each other and where is the point to get bored while the partner is not even around? or is anyone thrilled to wait for them coming online?

No one forces you to stay bored and wait. Adding each other in profile is not equal to have an exclusive relationship. And no one can force you to add themselves in profile. If you don't like it just say no. You are not of the ones who will let themselves be abused, I hope? If dom keeps pushing – you always can just drop them. I can't get it, what the problem if two people like each other and want to add each other in their profiles. How it's your business if it's how they do in their relationship? Why you even have problems with it?

3 hours ago, IKushiel said:

Its a habit that does nobody a favor in the long term

It does me a favor. Having my dom mentioned in my profile, I know that:

1. Doms who only interested in approaching unowned subs will not write me. It saves me from unnecessary drama.

2. The ones who still will try to make advances towards collaring – obviously disprespectful to my relationship, which gives me all the reasons to drop them right away and not communicate with them further.

3 hours ago, IKushiel said:

But people writing objectively stupid stuff in their profile like bragging how strong and badass they are

It's not "objectively" stupid stuff just because you said so. It can be for RP purposes. Again, if you don't like them – just don't talk with them, where is a problem.

3 hours ago, IKushiel said:

And no: thats not necessary to accelerate the partner search.

I never said that it's necessary. It's pretty useful tho. I mean mentioning your BDSM role, not bragging about being strong and powerful.

3 hours ago, IKushiel said:

But maybe its just me who likes the subtleness of things

No, it's not just you. But no, it also does not mean that everyone other is like you. People are different. Some are close to you. Some are opposite.

3 hours ago, IKushiel said:

everyone else getting wet or hard when they read of how dominant a person thinks he or she is?

What makes you think that people write it to make others wet or hard? I thought that profile is first of all about giving info about yourself/your character.

3 hours ago, IKushiel said:

To come back to your statement: if you find your partner doing things they dont want to do they are mentally not fit for any sex, be it BDSM related or Vanilla. You are fucking a mental child then. The whole point of prohibiting minor sex with adults is that we expect from adults to net allow others to manipulate them in such a harmful way but being able to think and decide themselves.

Yet it's still possible situation. Yes, it requires abusive, emotionally underdeveloped dom and vulnerable to mental abuse submissive, usually with psychological issues. So what? You think there are not much of people like these in 3dxchat?

 

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Yet it's still possible situation. Yes, it requires abusive, emotionally underdeveloped dom and vulnerable to mental abuse submissive, usually with psychological issues. So what? You think there are not much of people like these in 3dxchat?

You cannot expect people to always consider that they play with someone with a mental illness and therefor be on guard 24/7. "i cant go outside, there are murderers out there... somewhere" is the same type of ridicilous behaviour. sure there are people who need treatment playing the game but does that mean everybody else has to adjust to them? i hope not Oo

not going to pick up everything you just said, were just talking in circles and have to agree to disagree, unless you you want to bring in a new argument... uh this maybe:

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It's not "objectively" stupid stuff just because you said so. It can be for RP purposes. Again, if you don't like them – just don't talk with them, where is a problem.

it is objectively stupid and i explained why. *sigh* let me unfold it for you once more: humans cannot look on their own traits unbiased. yes we do know our weaknesses very well but when it comes to strengths and things were good in, a hell lot of people overrate their abilities ALOT. Thats not their fault, thats just what evolutionary-wise worked better but you can be aware of it and stop pretending to know that youre smart or dominant or sub (yea that also exists, people who perceive  themselves as sub while they act clearly dominant in most situations because someone told them a cute girl has to be sub or whatever bullshit). you can aim to be those things but claiming: "im a dominant alpha bull" is objectively plain stupid to an emberassing degree.

not quite sure what you mean with "rp-purposes" rp is a way to broadly used term to throw it into a discussion without defining it further. Let me be clear: this is not about my personal problems, trust me im not troubled with ignoring people. What im wondering is if people are aware of what they write there and how it is perceived by alot of others and from what i learned when talking with them it usually isnt, hence i felt like discussing it with a larger audience here. And again: this aint a personal attack to people doing all this things, im curious of the why and if there is any backthought behind it that considered the consequences or simple thoughtlessness.

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4 hours ago, IKushiel said:

it is objectively stupid and i explained why. *sigh* let me unfold it for you once more: humans cannot look on their own traits unbiased. yes we do know our weaknesses very well but when it comes to strengths and things were good in, a hell lot of people overrate their abilities ALOT. Thats not their fault, thats just what evolutionary-wise worked better but you can be aware of it and stop pretending to know that youre smart or dominant or sub (yea that also exists, people who perceive  themselves as sub while they act clearly dominant in most situations because someone told them a cute girl has to be sub or whatever bullshit). you can aim to be those things but claiming: "im a dominant alpha bull" is objectively plain stupid to an emberassing degree.

No one is Never going to put "I am a self centered,  insensitive, arrogant liar and fake" on their profile so you are just going to have to get past it and find it entertaining.

Edited by SusanLouisa
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On 3/22/2020 at 1:31 PM, IKushiel said:

I didnt personally accused anyone so no idea why you feel like you have to defend yourself but... a sub that has "collared" or anything alike in their profile will experience fewer people approaching her, you cannot possibly deny that, can you?

I did not say you accused anyone.  Actually your entire post accused everyone.  But you also invited discussion.  Yes, a collared sub would be considered off limits by another true Dom based on respect.  But this is the choice of the sub as well.  

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 3/23/2020 at 8:41 PM, SusanLouisa said:

I did not say you accused anyone.  Actually your entire post accused everyone.  But you also invited discussion.  Yes, a collared sub would be considered off limits by another true Dom based on respect.  But this is the choice of the sub as well.  

and who are you to determine what a "true" dom is? its the same idiotic nonsense as calling believers of different religions infidels. in your definition they might be false, weak, or whatever but for the sake of tolerance its common sense to not insult everybody else just because they dont share the same "beliefs" as you do. do some people not respect the ownership about people in a videogame? absolutely ye, they dont and there are good reasons for that. not only in a virtual place but even in real life one can argue if its right to shackle your partner to yourself. in any case: the person can decide that for themselves even if its a sub/slave or whatever. if the sub sincerely feel shes entitled to not play with anyone but "her" dom or prefers atleast to play so for the sake of the rp they will tell that themselves in their profile, via pm or simply ignore the person approaching.

 

On 3/23/2020 at 6:28 PM, SusanLouisa said:

No one is Never going to put "I am a self centered,  insensitive, arrogant liar and fake" on their profile so you are just going to have to get past it and find it entertaining.

that would much more honest though ;)

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