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Bran

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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour,"

But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

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One night a man, his wife and a friend decided to have dinner together, so after eating they opened a couple of bottles of wine. Upon finishing the wine the friend realised it was late and he should go home, but the man insisted he stay the night, because he was drunk and in no condition to drive. The man finally agreed. One problem occurred though they had no guest bedroom and their couch was small and uncomfortable. So the man's wife said "Why doesn't he just sleep with us?" The two men agreed and promptly headed for bed.A few hours after they had gone to sleep the man's wife woke his friend and said hey, wanna have a good time? The man was like NO he'll wake up. She said no he won't watch, so the woman reached over and pulled out one of the hairs on her husbands ass and sure enough nothing happened. So the wife and the man's friend screwed. About an hour later the wife woke the mans friend again and said I want more. The man decided to test his friend to see if he was awake, so he pulled out another ass hair and he didn't wake up. This happened 2 more times and when the friend pulled out another one of the mans ass hairs the man turned over and said, "Look I don't care if you screw my wife but stop using my ass as a score board!!"

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

 

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

 

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

 

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

 

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

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Two proud parents  entered the principal's office at their daughter's new school,  The father said:  "Oh we are so proud of our daughter, she can spell her name both backwards and forwards"

 

"What is her name?" asked the principal

 

"Anna" Replied the father

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  • 2 months later...

How do you make a napkin dance?

 

Put a little boogie in it

 

 

Why did Mickey Mouse leave Minney Mouse?

 

She was fucking Goofy

 

 

Why could Ken never get Barbie pregnant?

 

He always came in another box

 

 

 

Self explanatory, got a corny joke you been saving since the 5th grade use it :P

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Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

 

 

 

Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."

 

 

 

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?

WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

 

 

While making love, he says:
- Darling, let's do 68!
- 68??? What's that?
- You do it to me and I'll owe you one.

 

 

 

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ok one last one ..... this is so stupid but it cracks me up  :D

 

 

Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy Shit it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy Shit... A talking muffin!"

 

 

 

ROFL   :D  :D  :D  :D 

 

it's so stupid I can't stop laughing 

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Here's some Blond Joke's  for you 

 

 

Death: It's your time. give me your hand

Blonde: No! i know that if i dont touch you then I'll never die!
Death: Holy shit! You figured out the key to living forever! You're soooo smart! High five!
Blonde: *high fives* 
Death: Typical blonde... Dumbass...  :D 

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A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to eachother on a plane. The lawyer turns to the blonde and suggests a game to pass the time. "I'll ask you a question, if you don't know the answer, you give me a dollar. You ask me a question and if I don't know it, I'll give you a hundred dollars." The blonde agreed and the lawyer asked his first question.

 

"Exactly how fast can an ostrich run?"

The blonde gives the lawyer a dollar and asked her question.

 

"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The lawyer doesn't know it. He searches all over the internet on his laptop and still can't find the answer. He finally gives the blonde a hundred dollar bill and asks her what the answer was.

The blonde gives the lawyer another dollar and shrugs.

 

In defence of all blondes :P

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God approaches a Priest on his death bed and sats, "You have served me so well your whole life is there any thing I can do for you before you die?"

 

Priest replies, "I always wanted to take a road trip a crossed the Pacific ocean"

 

God thinks on this for a moment than explains how difficult it would be to build a road a crossed the ocean and ask if he can maybe do something else

 

The Priest rather sad about this shakes his head than replies, "Well could you explain woman to me then."

 

God straightens up and ask if he like a four or eight lane highway

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Italian, Frenchie and Russian talk about what they love most...

Italian says: Awww romantic dinner, una bella donna, pasta and at the end we make love all night long:

Frenchie says: Awww walking through Paris with my Jacqueline, dinner in the restaurant, candles, wine and at the end we make love all night long.

Russian says: Sibir, -40°C, 4:00 AM and I sleep in warm barracks. Commander of the guard walk in and order: Sergei on guard... and I'm not Segei.

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I was tired of my boyfriend staying out late at bars and always having a great time without me. So I convinced him finally to take me with him one night.

 

Arriving at the bar, he takes me right up to the bartender and asks me what I want.

 

"I will have whatever you normally get, hon" I tell my boyfriend.

 

"Alright" he says to me, then turns to the bartender and orders "two whiskers straight up." He hands me the drink and says "drink up sweetie."

 

I take my whiskey and sip it...and it is disgusting, and I spit it out right away from my mouth. "Ech that is horrible" I moan. "How can you drink this stuff?"

 

"I know..." He looks at me sad faced "and you think I'm always out enjoying myself."

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  • 1 month later...

True Story:

 

A man ordered a pizza and waited patiently. When it arrived he was disappointed and angry, reaching for his phone he calls up the

pizza delivery take away place to complain. A polite assistant answers the phone and is beset upon verbally by the angry customer.

 

"You messed up my order I can't believe it... you sent me a pizza with no sauce or cheese and topping on it... seriously wtf"

 

The pizza assistant apologizes and promises to remake a fresh pizza no extra charge and rush it out to him.

5 minutes later the angry customer calls back:

 

"Urr don't worry about that other pizza... it was my mistake... I opened the box upside down" ~hangs up phone~

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Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my genitalia inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my genitalia unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured in unanimous approval. Steve stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on the top of its head.

The croc opened his mouth and he removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. Steve stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone 100 dollars if they're willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly spoke up...

 

"I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle."

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

   The bear eats raspberries next to the river the rabbit see him from the other side of the river and he start yell at him.
- Hey! Bear come here I have to show you something!
- Leave me alone! Can't you see what Im doing?!
- Really come to this side I have to show you this you going to love it!
- No! Leave me alone Im busy!
- Come on bear you have to see this it's awesome!
  The bear decide to swim through the river. He almost drowned at the middle, finally he reach the other side and ask the rabbit with exhausted voice...
- What did you want to show me?

- Look that huge raspberry field at the other side of the river.

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The rabbit walking in the forest, and he find a pistol under the bush
and he start to think...
- Ho ho what have I got here, you will pay for everything bear!
So the rabbit go to the bear house and shoot in the air...
BANG! BANG! - Come out bear!
BANG! BANG! - I shit on your porch!
The bear comes out...
BANG! BANG! - Listen hear bear! I shit on your porch!
BANG! BANG! - And now you going to eat it!
BANG! BANG! - Because if you don't to eat it...
CLICK! CLICK! - I going to eat it.

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