Hera Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperatelyneeded to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed mygas with the beat of the music.After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,and noticed that everybody was staring at me....Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. MikeRUS 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hera Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 Teacher: Good morning class I have a couple of riddles to start off this morning. I have something here that's round red and good to eat? Sarah: an apple? Teacher: No it's a tomato but you're thinking.Teacher: I have something here that's yellow and odd shaped and good to eat? Michael: A banana? Teacher: No it's a pear but you're thinking.Little Johnny: Teacher, I have a riddle. Teacher: Okay Johnny tell us your riddle. Little Johnny: I have something in my pocket that's round, hard and has a head on it? Teacher: Johnny, you go see the principal right this instant. Little Johnny: It's a nail, but you're thinking. JackValentine 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erdrick Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 A patient says: “Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: “Could you please pass the butter.” But instead I said: “You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life”. Erdrick 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hera Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hera Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyWhen asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hera Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 for Paulanna Yo mamma so ugly even Bob the Builder said, "We cant fix it." Yo Mamas so stupid she was yelling into the mailbox. We ask her whats she doing and she said, she was sending a voice-mail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hera Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 A divorce court judge said to the husband,"Mr Geraghty,I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week.""That's very fair,your honour," he replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erdrick Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off–go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.” Leeloo and Erdrick 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roxanne Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 A man has severe problems with premature ejaculation and decides to consult a doctor.He asks him an efficient solution for his problem."Well," says the doctor, "try to scare yourself just before the moment of orgasm." The same day the man went to a gun shop and bought a flare gun. At home, he finds hiswoman naked in bed and they mmediately got in action. At the time of position 69, he feels he is coming and fires his flare gun...The next day he goes back to the doctor and asked on the man:"Well, how was it?""Not good," replied the man, "when I fired the gun, my wife bite 6 inches from myyoung gentleman, fart on my face and the neighbour came out of the closet withhis hands in the air. " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erdrick Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Erdrick and Gunthar 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leeloo Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 A man go to a rendezvous with his new doctor and hold him a paper where is wrote " Doctor , since i'm born , i cant speak . One of my friends told me you have a technique to make talk peoples , i like to try" The doctor stand and say : ok , stand up and undress for the auscultation (not sure this is how its called in english too) The man do it , removing his top , pant shoes socks etc ... The doctor : Ok now put your hands on the table here . the guy put his hands on the table then hear a sound . Suddenly the doctor burry his penis inside the guy's anus who scream " AAAAAA " The doctor pull out and say : Good job , come back tomorrow , you will learn the "B" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erdrick Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skinwas all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?” The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....” Erdrick 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hera Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 This guy comes back from the toilet, when a women says to him, "Hey, you have left your GARAGE door open"!"As the man is zipping his fly up, he says with a big smile, "Did you see my big black hummer?"The woman replies, "Nope just a MINI COOPER with two flat tires." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erdrick Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up,smiled and said: “That's it.” Erdrick 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abbey Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 There were three men traveling through the Sahara desert and there car breaks down. The first man says:"Right were going to have to walk if we stay here we will perish... We better each take something we going to need...I will take the canteen of water as I am sure I am going to get thirsty".He picks up the canteen and walks ahead and waits. The second man says:"Hmm I am going to take the food because we going to get hungry and need it to keep our energy up".He picks up the satchel of food and walks to join the first man further ahead. The third man walks up and after 30 minutes of banging and clanging walks up to the two men holding on to a car door... The two men ask: "What the hell is that for?" The third man replies: "Well I thought if it gets hot I can just wind down the window" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erdrick Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says ‘Do you know how to drive this?’ Erdrick 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Doll Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 Lame, sorry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hera Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Doll Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 Q - what does a blonde do if she's not in bed by 10pm? A - she goes home p.s I'm blonde so I'm allowed ok JohnL and Stewie 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Doll Posted May 24, 2014 Share Posted May 24, 2014 Please help. Don't let me be the one that killed this thread. I'm so sorry Stewie 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stewie Posted May 24, 2014 Share Posted May 24, 2014 What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?$3.99 a minute. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stewie Posted May 24, 2014 Share Posted May 24, 2014 one day a tramp gets on a bus full of nuns. he looks around and see'sone that is looking particularily good. after he popped a stiffy he went upto the nun and said I want to fu** you. No replied the nun I am a woman of the lord i will never sleep with you The tramp was really depressed, but on his way off the bus the busdriver told him that the nun goes to the church to pray everynight atmidnight. all he had to do was get a god mask and tell her to screw him. at exactly midnight the tramp spotted the nun go into the church, heput on his mask and said I am god fu** me. the nun then replied only in the ass though. the tramp agreed and theygot it on for hours. when they were done the tramp took off his mask and shouted "ha, ha"I'm the trampthe nun then took off her mask and said "ha ha" I'm the bus driver. RodolfoValentino and Maxxim 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RodolfoValentino Posted May 24, 2014 Share Posted May 24, 2014 What is in common between a gynecologist and tourist entertainer? ..both work where others have fun Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Justyna Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 A man walked into a pet shop in Silicon Valley and said: “I’d like to buy a monkey”The salesman showed him three identical looking monkeys priced: $1,000; $2,000 and $5,000The customer asked what the difference was.The salesman said:“The $1,000 monkey can touch-type, has basic computer skills including detailed knowledge of Microsoft Office and makes a lovely cup of tea”“The $2,000 monkey has advanced IT skills and can program in C++, HTML, Java etc.”“The $5,000 monkey doesn’t seem to do anything, but he calls himself a consultant” JohnL and Abbey 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erdrick Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."Father: "Why?"Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"Father: "But that's right!"Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"Father: "What's the fucking difference?"Boy: "That's exactly what I said!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now