xDoe Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 Ok, so you've got here. Maybe some of you guessed, maybe not. I've cried my eyes out over this, although I don't expect anyone to forgive/believe me. Here goes nothing, and this is really hard and I apologise so much to people I know I'm going to really hurt badly. I am a 39yo Scottish male. Please keep reading as I want to at least try explain, and no I don't expect forgiveness or anything. I expect people will just put me down and talk crap and will never understand. I have suffered depression/anxiety/social anxiety disorder for around the last 10 or so years. Most of my life has been full of horrible people (except the closest people to me, my parents and my brothers and other family). I've never had any true friends, any I did have buggered off, especially when they found out I have mental health issues. I haven't been in a relationship for at least 15 years and even then she went behind my back and I caught her sleeping with her "best friend". You can probably guess how that went/made me feel. I've always been shy and quiet and found it hard to make friends/talk to people, but this shitty illness makes it even harder. I've pretty much lost my late 20's and all my 30's to this horrendous illness that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, or even the people that are going to probably write nasty comments after they've read this (if you've even got this far). I've ended up in hospital once, it would have been twice, but the first time they had no beds and I basically had to "get on with it". The second time I broke down massively and no longer wanted to be alive. I was under watch especially the first 3 or 4 days, wasn't allowed earphones, my electric shaver or anything I could potentially use to rid the world of me. To try and cut what's a long story, I found this game and in hindsight wish to fuck I'd been honest since the start, unlike 60-80% of people here. It's a form of escapism from reality, though I guess this place is for most people. I never meant to hurt anyone but I know I have for definite now. I'm so painfully lonely it near enough hurts. Yes, I still live with my parents, maybe a good thing, maybe bad. I know without them I wouldn't be sitting here or anywhere. I'd be 6ft under with "Died from Suicide/Depression" written on my gravestone. I don't expect anyone to understand or forgive me. If you do, you are an amazing person that deserves so much good in their life. Unfortunately I've had pretty much the opposite in mine. Again, I'm sorry to people I've hurt now. You know who you are, you might even comment on this or hate me, and I don't blame you. This has taken a while to write coz I keep breaking down. I feel so useless and worthless and angry at myself. Like the late John Candy said in a film once "When am I ever going to wake up?" If you've read this far thank you so much. If you understand, you're a far better person than I can hope to be. I'm unsure if I'll be back as me. I doubt anyone wants me to even stay. Again and I will never be able to say it enough or make up for it, I am truly, deeply sorry. So there you have it, feel free to start shit, not sure I care anymore. ScottAmila and Natsumi 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chaostika Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 (edited) meanwhile... #rest #alldeleted and no hashtag, but akay: almost cancelled, canceling n editing... #again... .. .so 4Now just. .. ...and so simply only "hits" a fukn good random song into this 1st possible Spoiler Chapter 01 or akay #scene blah that somebody in [ts3+w2g] just offenbart me ha haaa google it - waynes^^ edit:: lol, #grrr and btw, soz guyZ, #sometimes #sillyme shortly 4got - aboves hashtag #mra ~ ment n means: m ust r ead a gain (before answering - if at all)[/spoile] Edited March 3, 2018 by chaostika Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Briana Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoG2i_h420Ahttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdfGonQGFyc OLESYA, Rodin, xDoe and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicci Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 You may find people here are more forgiving than you think Doe, my best friend in the game played a female when i met her still does though most know him as SageStoner. Personally I don't care what or who you are behind the monitor, be a good person and good people will see that in you. don't give up on yourself or your friends ... they may just surprise you. keep your head up Don't know you but if you need a shoulder look me up in game NicoleMcC OliU, KYUSS, Phil and 5 others 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KYUSS Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 You may find people here are more forgiving than you think Doe, my best friend in the game played a female when i met her still does though most know him as SageStoner. Personally I don't care what or who you are behind the monitor, be a good person and good people will see that in you. don't give up on yourself or your friends ... they may just surprise you. keep your head up Gif and 1 x Spoiler attempted No.1 ] OliU, chaostika and Rodin 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xMaceyx Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 Your not the first and most certainly won't be the last. We have had countless threads on the should you or shouldn't you be honest about your rl gender so I wont go there. Personally as a male playing a female I do tell people if I see myself getting close to them basically to put my mind at ease.A lot don't care, they are focused on fucking the pixels in front of them, not worrying about what the person looks like, or the rl gender of the person behind the monitor.Anyone that's been here a while knows of the high percentage of males that play this game, compared to females and "real' transgenders, so I have kinda accepted that while I am jerking my cock with some random, most likely that person is doing the same. OliU, xDoe, Rodin and 5 others 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chaostika Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 OLESYA, OliU, xMaceyx and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KYUSS Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 (edited) Your not the first and most certainly won't be the last. We have had countless threads on the should you or shouldn't you be honest about your rl gender so I wont go there. Personally as a male playing a female I do tell people if I see myself getting close to them basically to put my mind at ease. A lot don't care, they are focused on fucking the pixels in front of them, not worrying about what the person looks like, or the rl gender of the person behind the monitor. Anyone that's been here a while knows of the high percentage of ...males that play this game, compared to females and "real' transgenders... .. . Chapter III Genderschool | Transgender - Transexual | Lession I Me, my Sis, myself and I are soooooo ******* **** ***** ******* and ***** off meanwhile,that after aaaaaaalll theses years of the holiest of unholy 'G-Wars' aka SRY, WE APOLOGIZE, BUT THIS SHORT INCOMING PART OF THIS POST although meanwhile backuped and paused but (not butt) neitherless-... .. . still: A n d o n ly and just incase your're a reader, even got inhere and this far down into this construction post white rabbit hole site aaaand or, don't get it at all - it's a 'Pro Doe aka Sage #blahGender missing paragraph in a unfinished post of course*So dont get it wrong a, or into any whatev0r: "wrong throat", chill the fuk out, relaX*enjoy your weekend, get lost till i'm ready and out of my baustelle Spoiler, verdammt and: To save unique and precious LifeTime - just quoting myself quickly out of my Forumprofil:Remember, you usually don't ever know, you may ever meet in here and just because a person may not be dressed up at all that fancy or have a other gender than u expect, don't mean they're not an important person. You just don't ever know, who you're gonna meet in 3DX and sometimes in life and so that's why i look at everybody and try to treat all people as equal. Can't just judge. I try to treat everybody with respect. Every man, every woman, whatever your religion, skincolour or gender may be, or how you feel like best on your inside of yourself, or on the outside of your char! I really couldn't care less what or who you are and even if you were an alien with three titts and four arms, cause it's you, the person behind the keyboard that counts and not some freakn, buggy pixels! Ok, dont freak out, lol, that doesn't count for BBC Rooms, if i would visit them, what i don't! Anyway: Text has No gendeR, but, and just like my lill sis always says: [iF its RP] and nobody of the ppl "involved" care anyway...who the fu#k cares, but 2.0 if a other person does mind and matter and if it then comes to sex, love and real friendships, you should always know how to pronounce and write words like honesty, Chicos! Edited March 3, 2018 by KYUSS OliU, OLESYA, chaostika and 3 others 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nionlight Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 Well thanks for sharing this confession xDoe.I hope that you'll start a good therapy in order to feel better for the good of yourself first and then for your parents and the people you'll meet in your in real life as well as in virtual ones. If you want to chat some inworld I am here Kiss Nion xDoe, KYUSS, Rodin and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLESYA Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 !Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm-Winston Churchill) xDoe Everything will be fine! You believe the main thing!!!!We support you!From Russia with love!This is a beautiful Russian song for you! xDoe, Briana, Nicci and 3 others 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caren Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 Forgive you for what? I like talking to the person typing, and barely pay attention to the rest of the screen. Be comfortable, be kind, and allow people to love your heart. btw, I think you're really nice and funny Take a breath and be gentle with your own heart, Doe. ♡ Togo, chaostika, Rodin and 6 others 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xDoe Posted March 3, 2018 Author Share Posted March 3, 2018 You all have no idea how much you've all lifted me. I'm still very down, and I've been through psychiatrists/psychologists/counsellors/etc. I even tried hypnotherapy and homoeopathy which was pretty much a waste of money and in some ways made me feel worse (I was hospitalised soon after I ended the homoeopathy and told the bitch where to go). I won't be back as Doe, as that's just not right, which I realise now. I'm male, I'm aging and I only get one life. Time to stop pretending to be someone else, although a lot of the real me did come through. Yes, I got close to some people, but thankfully I managed to hold back from it going into a full blown "relationship" as that'd be 100 times worse. I'm not making excuses for my judgements and actions, I know a lot of people will likely never say a word to me ever again if I do come back. Your comments and some of you who've messaged are appreciated, and you'll never know how much. Btw, my name is David. I'll likely come back with that name, my real age and I really do live in Scotland. I mean, who else but Scots know that Auchtermuchty is a real place. Nicci 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DJ_Girl Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 Welcome to 3dx Dave! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ameliaUK Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 You all have no idea how much you've all lifted me. I'm still very down, and I've been through psychiatrists/psychologists/counsellors/etc. I even tried hypnotherapy and homoeopathy which was pretty much a waste of money and in some ways made me feel worse (I was hospitalised soon after I ended the homoeopathy and told the bitch where to go). I won't be back as Doe, as that's just not right, which I realise now. I'm male, I'm aging and I only get one life. Time to stop pretending to be someone else, although a lot of the real me did come through. Yes, I got close to some people, but thankfully I managed to hold back from it going into a full blown "relationship" as that'd be 100 times worse. I'm not making excuses for my judgements and actions, I know a lot of people will likely never say a word to me ever again if I do come back. Your comments and some of you who've messaged are appreciated, and you'll never know how much. Btw, my name is David. I'll likely come back with that name, my real age and I really do live in Scotland. I mean, who else but Scots know that Auchtermuchty is a real place. Hey David I don't know you and have never met you, but wanted to add my tuppenceworth. You've achieved the hardest thing, and that is writing that first statement in this thread. That takes real guts and I could feel how difficult it was in the way that you wrote it. But you did it. Don't let anyone knock you back, because you've already come a long way in managing to write that and to open up. So, pat yourself on the back for starters I don't have any personal experience of depression or social anxiety, but I've met enough people in 3dx to know that you're not alone, far from it. Many many people turn to the game for this reason. So while you may sometimes feel alone, you're not. There are plenty others who know how you feel. You've tried some real life therapies and that is all good, it shows a real willingness to want to beat it and make your life better. But I think you probably have to select carefully - homeopathy is, imo, some weird pseudo-scientific nonsense that is about as reliable as magic I have heard that cognitive behaviour therapy is often positive; is this something you have tried? As for playing a female avi in 3dx... please don't punish yourself for this. Many many people do the same, and many don't have the courage or the honesty to tell who they really are. You have proven you have both. If people judge you negatively for that, I'm sorry but that says more about them than it does about you. But i think the community is generally supportive and I hope your friends will be on your side. Ultimately, remember that you are a good person, with the best intentions, and a determination to better yourself. And that's a great starting point. Look forward now, not back. You can't undo the past, but the best thing about the future is that you haven't created it yet. Sentra, xDoe, Nicci and 5 others 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodin Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 Rumors a telling that even Batman is here in 3DXChat, playing as Wonder Women ! This means a lot for me when some one is my friend here, so when you need to talk, be sure that I will always answer you and help you out if I can!If you would ask me ...I want this tiny gizmo back called xDoe ! but your decision .... Nicci, Togo and OLESYA 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YouAreMySpecial Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 Welp after all you came out, I already had the suspicion though. It's allright dude atleast you been honest now, I know people can be defensive when they're holding a secret that's why I never get my jimmies rustled that much anymore on this shit. Best of luck to ya soldier. xDoe 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XoKitten Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 Gives you super huggies cuz me thinks all has already been said. Thinks you are pretty darn special Doe/David. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
intercessional Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 You dont owe the community as a whole an apology. if it makes you feel better than nothing wrong with it. It takes courage to do what you did when you didn't have to. Be true to yourself, do what you think is right and at the end of the day if someone stops being your friend, they were never a friend to begin with. MinervaX, observer101, xDoe and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leathium Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 xDoe, I have to admit and be honest though, I'm surprised since yesterday after this confession, you made quite sense to me that you are a female and I had no doubts nor cared, you were too friendly, you made quite sense as the character you been playing, and that what mattered the most. But seriously, as I said before I don't care what people have between their thighs, I'm a friend with anyone who would like me or accept me as a friend as who I am, I still like you as a friend and I will always appreciate the friendship we have and I would love to still be friends as a new person (David) or as xDoe, make sure to hit me up when you decide to come back. You don't have to apologize or feel sorry at all, I had many friends who admit or confess later that they are males playing females, it's no big deal and happens quite often in 3DXChat community, what matters most is how friendly and nice these people were, and how I truly loved them as friends, I have more male friends than females even as a homo girl anyways. So yeah I still have that tealish knit cap! MinervaX, Sentra, Loriina and 4 others 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xDoe Posted March 3, 2018 Author Share Posted March 3, 2018 You know, even though I don't really know half of you, you're some of the best people I've probably ever met in my life (well, those in the hospital with me were amazing too, because they UNDERSTOOD and I could too). My mum went through it for a long time when I was younger, she also had M.E. or "Yuppie Flu" as they called it then. It's now known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Anyway, to answer some people, I've been through CBT numerous times (tbh, it's all they really have). Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't, especially when your mind is so messed up, you don't even know who you are anymore. Maybe that's why I hid behind Doe. I feel bad about stealing her pics, but unlike in Life Is Strange (the game), I can't rewind time. I wish I could. I can see why Doe called herself that after playing most of the game, I haven't yet finished it. She wears the bullets Chloe has in the game and Doe is probably from the ghostly Doe that Max keeps seeing. I just made myself sound even creepier now =/ I'm just sorry I done this crap. Time I re found the old happy me, because he's been gone way too long. I won't be back as Doe, the guilt is still hurting, but it's not all about me. Some of you have said it's no big deal, well it kinda is coz I led you on and hate myself for it. I'm just a sad guy just wishing I could do so many things, change so many things, but I'm just one guy who's messed up a lot and regrets so many things, others I don't, coz I wouldn't be here. A whole load of people in the world wouldn't be here if they regretted everything. Like I said, a lot of me did show through. The songs I've posted sometimes speak loads about how I feel, I still actually play games, though not as much as I use to. I grew up with the damn things from the Sinclair ZX81, to Sinclair Spectrum+2, to a Commodore Amiga 500+ and through Idk how many PC's. Was never really one for the consoles though. Anyway, probably dribbled on enough. Thanks to those who still wanna continue/offer friendship. Makes you even more amazing and you all know who you are. For now, take care. I'll keep this up for now. Not sure if I'll leave the forum as Doe or not, but I won't be in game as her, though I've often wondered what it'd be like if I'd been born female. Would things be different? Who knows. I am who I am and.......yeah I'm still babbling on like an idiot. Thanks for the support, even though I don't know you or truly know you. Nicci 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xDoe Posted March 3, 2018 Author Share Posted March 3, 2018 You can keep the hat Lor The one I actually have is boring and grey, but it keeps my head warm! (especially now it's thinning and I'm going bald. Damn heridatory stuff). Doubt I'd suit the tealish hat anyway. Think you would more Lor! Been thinking, I'll probably make a new forum profile and try leave this whole sorry part of my stupidity behind and start again. Not sure if I'll upload pics of myself, I'm not exactly Brad Pitt, in fact my best feature are probably my blue eyes and even they don't work right. Needed glasses since I was about 13. Ok, I'll shut up now and again thanks to everyone that's posted on this or sent a message. Robertter, Leathium and Nicci 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CowboyBob Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 David, I have been through suicidal depression and the two things that pulled me out of it were faith in God and strenuous exercise. The exercise stimulates the endorphins in your brain which lifts the fog of depression. God loves you and has a good plan for your life. Also, don't be so negative about yourself. Don't worry what others think about you - project yourself and somebody will find you. Finally, this is a website for broken people. Think of it - who else but unhealthy people hang out at a place where a bunch of avatars have sex? We're all mentally disturbed to one degree but we're all here to wear masks we can hide behind so others don't judge our looks. You can be who you want here, just try not to cause anyone shame or hurt. Then, the next time you're in a real-life social situation, you'll have more skill on what to say and how to relate to others. That's the therapy you get here. Seriously, don't off yourself. It would devastate your parents. - Cowboy Bob Nicci, Leathium and xDoe 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicci Posted March 4, 2018 Share Posted March 4, 2018 Finally, this is a website for broken people. Think of it - who else but unhealthy people hang out at a place where a bunch of avatars have sex? We're all mentally disturbed to one degree but we're all here to wear masks we can hide behind so others don't judge our looks. You can be who you want here, just try not to cause anyone shame or hurt. Then, the next time you're in a real-life social situation, you'll have more skill on what to say and how to relate to others. That's the therapy you get here. Seriously, don't off yourself. It would devastate your parents. - Cowboy Bobright on Bob xDoe and OLESYA 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xDoe Posted March 4, 2018 Author Share Posted March 4, 2018 I did take out a 6 month sub about start of January as it was reduced. I'll make a male avi and try to make it look like me as much as possible, which might be hard XDI don't really have any recent photos of myself as I actually don't really like getting my pic taken. Guess maybe self-conscious, but tbh I'm not sure why I care so much. I can't change my looks (I couldn't even afford to even if I wanted to), but yeah if people judge me on that, they're pretty shallow. I dunno what the most recent pic of me I have, but I'll use that for now until I get an updated one of how much I've aged in the past few years XD I'm not sure if I'll see some of you in game, coz obvious time differences that can vary from being the same to something like 12 hours ahead/behind. Anyways, gunna get a new forum profile done, and will post on this once done, so you can add me as a friend on there if you want to. If not, fair enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DavidB Posted March 4, 2018 Share Posted March 4, 2018 Ok, so I realise this is going to need moderator approval before it shows, but this is my new forum profile (gunna add stuff to it once written this). Nicci 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now