Jump to content
3DXChat Community

Poly / Open Relationship


Siin

Recommended Posts

Ok now we have covered most in regards to relationships in various shapes and forms, the only thing what i didnt see was a topic which has a huge variety of views and i like to see what u guys think about it.

 

wait for it ...

 

> Drum roll <

 

OPEN RELATIONSHIPS or POLY RELATIONSHIPS

 

 

Now wiki says : "An open relationship is an interpersonal relationship in which the parties want to be together but agree to a form of a non-monogamous relationship.[1] This means that they agree that a romantic or intimate relationship with another person is accepted, permitted, or tolerated. Generally, an open relationship is when the parties involved have two or more romantic or sexual relationships occurring at the same time either as a short term relationship, such as dating, or long term relationship, such as marriage.[2] The concept of an open relationship has been recognized since the 1970s."

 

Personally i say: 

 

In my eyes there is nothing like a open relationship, u either in one or u not. As many of u know i have been in SL for a long time, maybe way to long- but thats beside the point.

I have seen alot of so called poly or open relationships, and all those i have see going down hill one way or the other. In my eyes - I find it extremely hard to share my intimate love and i could not accept a partner who has several bit along the side of me. Is it jealousy? Is it insecurities? And to me it may even is simply cause i would not accept and other next to my partner. 

Soon or later people get hurt in which ever way, if it is just a moment that one needs their partner and he is not there simply cause he is with someone else. its a poor example i know, but the most deepest one i can think of.

 

it kinda stirs the question in me, why call it relationship in the first place, is that not supposed to be a important part in ones life. being with the one u love and respect and share ur most deepest feelings? when is a relationship a relationship as on a deeper level?  

 

I just throw that out there and i really would like to open this discussion, simply cause i like to see how u guys feel about this (to me) rather sensitive subject.

 

So tell me, how do u feel about Poly / Open Relationships? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it all boils down to the fact that the term relationship is highly subjective to the person using it. A lot of people use it to define friendships with co-workers or acquaintances on the street, while others reserve it almost completely to their significant other. Even if it was meant to strictly describe romance, not everyone is looking for the same thing. While relationships may be sacred in the eyes of one person, it could be scoffed at by another and even if a relationship is valued, there can still be merit in seeking an "open" relationship.

 

Most of the time that I hear the term used it's out of convenience. This is generally used by older couples, where one partner in a marriage loses the desire to engage in sexual activity, and instead of risking the marriage they allow certain trespasses to keep the home warm and loving. This is also used by political figure and wealth to maintain the illusion of a loving family and putting off the disgrace of divorce to their peers or children or whoever.

 

Other times, you have two overly pessimistic lovers who are very aware of the high divorce statistics. They'll look at it like, "If he's going to be unfaithful atleast I know about it." I don't think these people are happy with it, but they're happier than living with the paranoia of stumbling upon an affair.

 

Some religions and ethnic backgrounds ingrain this approach into their people from birth, so it comes natural to them to do so. This may not make it right, but they seem to think it is regardless, and as long as they're happy I see no problem with it.

 

Finally, you have these couples who are seeking to spice their love lives up by sharing their significant other. Funnily enough, while at first it may look like they're lusting for other people besides their significant other, the attraction here is usually about observing their lover in a way they can't otherwise, and sharing a powerful sexual moment with them. This is supposed to strengthen the bonds between one another in some (perhaps twisted) way.

 

Personally, I'm a little apathetic towards all of it. I don't judge what other people do, but I don't think I could put up with it without distancing myself from all members involved within the relationship. I think if I put a claim on a man that I do become extremely territorial and easily suspicious and jealous and I know that I'd probably be extremely nauseated by the prospect of him looking around for not just sex, but for a lover, which to me is worse.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mmmmmm right :blink:So...what we really talking about, I think its important we understand whats involved.

 

Almost everytime one speaks about  polyamory, the thought that most of the times jumps to mind is,  if poly people’s desire for multiple partners means that they don’t really love each other, are not truly emotionally intimate. Because serial monogamy—the practice of establishing a romantic relationship with one person, breaking up, and engaging in another subsequent relationship with a new person—is the norm in contemporary  society, other kinds of relationships contrast as poor substitutes for the “real” relationship form.

 

For people in monogamous relationships, it can be hard to imagine how polyamorists can nurture emotional connections with multiple partners simultaneously. In a society with too few rites of passage, “settling down” into a monogamous relationship is one of the few remaining hallmarks of maturity. Non-monogamy, in contrast, can appear immature, insincere, and insecure.

 

Some polyamorists, however, report that the process of negotiating relationships outside of the norm inevitably fosters emotional intimacy through the amount of communication, honesty, and self-growth that comes with crafting these unconventional relationships.

 

Communication

Communication is one of the most distinguishing features of polyamorous relationships: Poly people rely on communication to negotiate relationship boundaries and safersex agreements, express their feelings, and get to know each other. Essential to the care and feeding of nearly every poly romance, communication is the primary vehicle polys use to establish emotional intimacy. While poly folks often enjoy sexuality, and sexual intimacy can certainly contribute to emotional intimacy, very few polyamorous (or monogamous) relationships can thrive without consistent and intentional communication.

 HONESTY

 People in poly communities often emphasize non-violent communication (using “I statements” and listening compassionately) and radical honesty (telling the truth even if it is not comfortable or convenient) as methods to establish intimacy and work through conflict. Key to both of those practices is honesty, with self and others. Telling lies means negotiating in bad faith, a breach of poly community norms that prize honesty above all else. Most importantly, without honesty, it is very difficult to feel safe and trust that partners will live up to safer-sex and other agreements.

Self-Growth

While some poly people claim (and even occasionally appear) to be immune to jealousy, most people in multiple partner relationships have had to deal with jealousy at some point. Polys often talk about jealousy as being a symptom of other emotions such as insecurity or anger, and position candid communication as the route to managing potentially challenging or painful feelings. All of this communication and honesty routinely leads to self-growth borne of introspection and working through relationship conflict.

Having to face their insecurities, question their motives, and consider their own boundaries almost forces poly people to either get to know themselves, or leave the relationship style. Much like some serial-monogamists, those polys who neither come to grips with their issues nor leave the relationship style tend to go from one dramatic relationship explosion to the next.

Enough Love to Go Around

When discussing their relationship style, polys routinely point to their abundance of love and often compare loving multiple partners to loving multiple children. Polys point out that parents do not stop loving the children they have simply because they have another child. Rather, their love grows to encompass that new child and still includes previous children. In that same way, polys can still love their former partners even though they fall in love with someone else as well.

For polyamorists love need not be a zero sum game, and loving one person does not mean they have less love for someone else. That does not mean that some polys are not in it for the sex—and they do not need an excuse, they are up front about wanting to have sexual variety. Most significantly, this sexual variety does not have to come at the expense of emotional intimacy. Some poly people really can have their cake and eat it too!

The Downside

This is not to say that every poly relationship hovers in blissful defiance of reality. Though love may be infinite, free time is often in short supply, and when time spent with one comes at the expense of time with another it can lead to jealousy and hurt feelings. Some polys deal with this by spending time together in groups so no one is excluded.

 

Hahaha so ? Personaly I tried and it did not work out. Wouid I do it again ? I don't know. I think its so very dificult for one to plan in a casual manner one's relationships, as we never know which way they will go :)

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well.. this is going to be good.. *cracks knuckles*
 
How could Poly herself keep her mischevious mitts off this topic?
 
You point out that the mere 'concept' of an open or poly relationship wasn't even recognized until forty years ago.. or thereabouts. I, for one, consider how long the human race has existed on this earth.. and suggest that a relationship between one man and one woman has been the norm for a very, very long time. Forty years is nothing - we, the people recognizing this kind of relationship - are toddlers strapped into nappies when considering how long we've spent learning about poly relationships. So what would we know, really?
 
We know all about monogamous relationships. We know the expectations and standards of the society we live in. We may have a religion and our chosen religion may or may not have a perspective to share with us. We know our own culture, similar to our society but on a world scale.. We might have even experienced the cultures of other places if we travel. All of this knowledge comes from others, from other people sharing advice, beliefs, ideas and opinions. This is wonderful information to have, but we must also remember to think for ourselves and form our own beliefs and opinions. We might think along the same lines as those around us. We might not.
 
Get to the point Poly.. you're dancing around the question. Okay.
 

I have seen alot of so called poly or open relationships, and all those i have see going down hill one way or the other.

 
Polyamory is often cast in a negative light. This stems from a lack of understanding about it.. of both those outside the poly relationship as well as those inside it. We tend not to know what we are getting ourselves into, and we tend to be unprepared for the complications that can arise in a poly relationship. Therefore we see these relationships going downhill and ending badly. We stumble and fall before we walk. That doesn't make walking a bad thing. It makes it a process to be practiced.. a way of life to be mastered with time.
 

Soon or later people get hurt in which ever way, if it is just a moment that one needs their partner and he is not there simply cause he is with someone else. its a poor example i know, but the most deepest one i can think of.

 

I could point out that sooner or later people get hurt in any relationship you can think of, but I know where you're coming from, and it's a valid point. Being a poly means being committed to more than one person. It means doing everything you can, being there when you are needed, coming when your loved ones cry out for you. A successful poly relationship is built on excellent communication from everyone involved, truthfulness so that trust can grow strong and become a comfort, a shelter.. and utter unbreakable loyalty to your loved ones no matter the costs. If you're that guy in that poly relationship example, and you're out with one of your girls having a good time.. and your other girl contacts your cell phone.. and you ignore it.. obviously your poly relationship is going to lose its prefix shortly. You made a big mistake.

 

Polys that are respectful and devoted, that are serious and determined to make a poly relationship work will spend time with all of their loved ones together, simultaneously, and would feel pain at leaving one of their loves out, excluded. Everyone involved knows about everyone else in the love triangle - or the love square, etc - and typically for it to genuinely last, each is in love with all the others. Anything less will breed jealousy sooner or later, which is an obvious complication that polys must be prepared to face.. and possibly experience themselves. As Bran pointed out, polys often think themselves immune to jealousy.. but they have to be aware and ready for their loved ones feeling jealous toward them or another, and it's an emotion that must be taken seriously and cared for immediately, lest the relationship come to a close in one of the common, explosively painful endings.

 

it kinda stirs the question in me, why call it relationship in the first place, is that not supposed to be a important part in ones life. being with the one u love and respect and share ur most deepest feelings? when is a relationship a relationship as on a deeper level?

 

A poly relationship must be as important to a poly as a mono relationship is to a mono. If you think one of your loves is more important than another.. if you feel that you can't be with more than one loved one at a time.. if you can't respect all of your loves, or you can't share your deepest, innermost feelings and secrets and dreams with everyone in your poly relationship, then get out. You shouldn't be in one. It's not for you.. and you're going to hurt someone. It's better that pain comes sooner rather than later, before attachment and love and trust and vulnerability grows. You have a responsibility to everyone else in your relationship, and if you can't meet those responsibilities.. that needs to be communicated yesterday.

 

Being in a poly relationship is about openness. Communication is so important despite how it can be even more difficult than in an ordinary relationship. Polys reject the traditional view that sex and relationships need to be exclusive, that more than one person can be involved in a deep commitment and long-term loving relationship. The boundaries set are very clear because of all that wonderful communication you've been doing with all of your loved ones, but they can be varied and individualized for each poly relationship. It's about doing away with cultural standards, listening to society sure, but learning to love your way instead. It's about overcoming negative feelings of anger, envy, jealousy.. putting aside possessiveness and learning to share those you love the most. To call it beyond difficult is still an understatement. Mono relationships have all kinds of problems and challenges and trials to smooth out and rise above. With more than one person involved, the complications are doubled, tripled, quadrupled.. and you need to expect that and be ready and up to the task, or your poly relationship is going downhill fast.

 

Personally.. I don't believe a mono relationship would ever.. entirely suffice.. and it saddens me to say that. There would always be a part of me that yearned to be with the other sex as well. Men and women are so very different at times.. the way they think, the way they speak, the way they love.. the way they are. Sometimes I feel like I need to cozy up against a strong, muscled chest protected by thick, sheltering arms.. rough hands on my skin.. and sometimes I need a softer, soothing touch.. a gentler embrace.. inhaling the scent of perfume.. and feeling the marks of lipstick on my body.. Both sexes are incredible in their own ways, and I find it impossible to put one aside and decide from now on I will only love.. one of them. I can't do it. I'd sooner take scissors to myself and slice myself down the middle.

 

If this means that I will continue to fall in and out of monogamous relationships and stumble upon the occasional prospect of a poly relationship.. with those proving even more complicated.. then so be it. That's me for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest ShirleyE

What i find a little confusing about this thread (even though I agree with a lot of what has been written, especially by Caylix) is that it seems to be talking about open relationships in real life. 

I think it would also be good to talk about it (maybe in a different thread) strictly in terms of 3DX Chat.

 

Because, frankly, I don't think it is possible for me to have anything but open relationships in 3DX.

What is the sense of having a role playing game in which there is no social hierarchy, not financial hierarchy, no STD, no pregnancy, no advantage to be gained from a monogamous relationship, AND in which everybody looks like a porn star, if not to enjoy sex with as many other people as possible?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

"........ is that it seems to be talking about open relationships in real life. 

 

I think it would also be good to talk about it (maybe in a different thread) strictly in terms of 3DX Chat."

 

I honestly beleive once  you " in relationship "  its irrelevant the form in which it is,,,,its  still in ones *real life* cuz even the time we spend sitting in front of our pc's is part of our *real life*, so are our feelings, emotions etc anything else I honestly beleive can't be refered to as a *relationship* whether monogamous or polyamorous.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are in a relationship when you share something - either at the emotional level, physical level or spiritual level. The more you share with one person, the stronger the relationship is. Now, from what I read above, for a polygamous relationship to work, all concerned parties should have about the same strength in their relationships with each of the other partners. This to me seems highly unlikely, however might not be entirely impossible. If there is an imbalance, that is, if one pair shares a stronger bond between them than another, things can start going downhill, unless there is some form of acceptance. Acceptance that what you share is sufficient for you to be happy and don't need more. However, how long can this last? And what happens when someone else comes along who is ready to share more? And so it becomes an optimization problem of how to be in the strongest relationship/relationships that will make you feel contented. Now, if you are lucky, you meet the love of your life and the problem is solved for you. If not, you keep trying out different permutations with one or more partners till you do reach that optimized solution. 

 

I guess the assumption here is that once you are in a relationship or relationships, you do everything to keep the level of sharing and intimacy you started off with (and in my experience, if it is the right person, it increases with time). Also, the keyword in here defining a relationship is sharing. And accordingly, what you have with your children does not count as I feel it is not sharing but unconditional giving (albeit willingly). You love your children for what they are, not expecting anything in return (sure once they grow up things change and a relationship begins to evolve, but not when they are young). 

 

I am not sure if it makes sense... but just felt like "sharing". 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it all comes down to question of ownership. When we are in a relation, monogamist relation, we precive the partner as part of our possesion, and thus expecting him to act in sort of ways, telling us the truth, not sleeping with others etc. This is ofcourse an illusion. Like all possesion its not real. much like a piece of paper, with all the right signs, stating a piece of land is mine, doesnt make that piece of land really mine. i can use it, build on it or sell it. Someone can change the laws tomorrow and I will lose all those privliges I had on that piece of land. anything changed in the world? I dont think so. That piece of land never was mine. same goes for all ownerships. Including those coming with a relation.

 

but.

we are only humans. I can talk for myself, knowing that this ownership is an illusion and yet I cant let it go. I will keep that illusion. I cant see myself knowing my partner being with others and not feeling hurt. And I think the sad truth is, most poly relations dont come from giving up the illusion place. I think for most of them, one side is more "interested" in poly relation, and one side just accept it as he wants to keep the relation going.

But thats just me. Dont mind me. Have a nice day.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Another really interesting thread! I have no experience on this subject. I may hold the principles for a  poly relationship because I am pretty open minded and I have been in love with two people at one time before. I have no idea how I would handle it in practice though.

 

Here's a question. If two people who are in a loving relationship agree to have only sexual relationships with others separately, is this still a poly relationship?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Here's a question. If two people who are in a loving relationship agree to have only sexual relationships with others separately, is this still a poly relationship?

 

I think I could best answer, in my opinion, your question as follows; One person who agrees to only have sexual relationships with others separately is it still a relationship? If your answer is yes, the same would apply to your question. Its all in *how* one defines ones relations...and those who agree to them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 
 

I couldn't agree more. There is no such thing as a "pre-defined" kind of relationship (except maybe for some narrow-minded extremists that can only fornicate in the dark for the sole purpose of breeding) : It all depends on what has been agreed upon with your partner.

 

Thus the need for sincere communication with the person(s) you have a relationship with.

 

As everyone I've had mostly monogamous relationships, yet I ended up for some time with a girl that was sharing her time between me and her girlfriend. (anyone that fantasizes that shall be doomed for all eternity... and maybe a few days more)

Problem was not jealousy or even feeling uncomfortable with the fact I knew she was having time with someone else. Problem was we never took the time to speak that over even after I discovered why she was not available to see me some days.

Lack of communication made that story end up early and quite messy.

 

My 2 cents.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Voilá: And here I truly beleive lies the reason to failure in relationships whether monogamous or polyamorous.

 

 


Problem was not jealousy or even feeling uncomfortable with the fact I knew she was having time with someone else. Problem was we never took the time to speak ....

Lack of communication made that story end up early and quite messy.

 

Actually the main reason for failure in most things: Lack of communication :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

 

If two people who are in a loving relationship agree to have only sexual relationships with others separately, is this still a poly relationship?

 

That's what I would call an open relationship, but your mileage may vary.. ^.^

 

 

 

Actually the main reason for failure in most things: Lack of communication  :(

 

Mhmm.. we've been talking since we were toddlers but on the whole we're still not so great at it sometimes. Lack of communication leaves blanks for your partner's mind to fill.. It forms doubt and dissolves trust.. and something important to remember is that body language can be even more important than talking when in person with someone. If your words are saying one thing and your body language is saying another, things can get quite confusing for your loved one.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Another really interesting thread we got here :) and it bring back a lot of memories. 

 

I got involve in a poly/open relationship a few years back, I wasn't really looking for it, on the contrary, the very thought of having multiples partners was alien to me. I can’t really explain how it starts but I knew that it was worth diving with an open mind.

 

I would like to share a few things about my only experience in a poly/open relationship:

 

The feeling of jealousy VS been jealous

 

    The interaction between partners in a poly relationship made me aware of that feeling we call jealousy and the impact it has on my relationship.  It is a subtle poison for the heart and the mind and no one should kid himself with the idea of been immune to the effect of jealousy. That been said, it’s not because someone feel jealousy that he is jealous. The different is in how that person manages is feeling of jealousy and how he doesn’t let it take over him.  I don’t consider myself jealous but I can tell you that it didn’t prevent me having anxiety and stress as I had the illusion of inequity between partners.  Through honest communication and keeping my cool, I have been able to keep my head above the water.

 

Diversity of bonds between partners

 

    One thing that I really appreciate in my experience in a poly relationship is the diversity in bonds shared by every partner.  I think some could argue that it was more a open relationship than a poly because not all the bonds shared we on the same levels. I had sex mostly with one partner, but on the other hand I could share some intimate moment and talk with another. But for someone else in that relationship, it would different quite different in there interaction. At the end of the day we still had the bond the tie us together and I felt connected to each and every one of them in a certain way. I still remember that Christmas we spent together and there were not doubt that it was a relationship that bonds us.

 

The End

 

    Well, as much I grow as a person and felt good from the experience, in the end, I broke up with my partners.  After a lot of thought, I came to the conclusion that I  wasn’t ready to deal with how complex a poly relationship could get, two peoples having a bad day is bad enough, imagine when four persons are having a very bad one, it can be unbearable. At the time, I couldn’t handle emotionally the stress that stirred from the whole relationship, even as I tried to communicate how I felt, in the end I withdraw myself from the group.  

 

Conclusion

 

    Would I try again a poly/open relationship? Well, it not something I got planed for sure but I guess if the right occasion would present I may give it another chance. Love come in many form and shape, the important point, in the end, it to find your own path to happiness.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

                I like to have both :) poli relationship its perfect for me :P

                    game its only fantasy its virtual relationship i hope its obvius:)

 

 

                                          post-271-0-12410100-1388632259_thumb.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbdHmuWByLM&list=WLjSQunQ9-vRZijg_rH7ZXJlJSeRYNsq1P&shuffle=10947

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Being exclusive requires a deep commitment and emotional tie-in of sort regardless of it being real or virtual. An open relationship requires the same thing but a higher level of trust that your partner will not end up leaving you for another. Temptation is everywhere and it requires a lot of thought and a willingness to give of ones self knowing what they are getting into. It is a question easily answered but actually not easily fathomed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Passion

It all comes down to trust. Let me tell you, I never at one time thought I would even find love here lol...LOVE...in a game full of guys, love in a sex game...love in a game where people act like crazy rabbits an monkeys...well after almost ten months here I found the single most amazing woman in the universe...I am willing change everything for this wonderful woman, in fact...well I have started. Everyone is different, we all want different things, I see profiles here, profiles that say hearts belong to another, yet they sleep with others...LOL...let me tell you, my Poisoned is my heart, there is no other...call me silly, call me stupid, all I can say is look at my poems, look at the little bit of my art that I have shared...I will make my beloved Poisoned famous, the world will see my love, all will know, all will see that from some silly video game about sex that the most beautiful painting ever was created. So I guess in the end I think that bonds an something more can be formed...its jus a matter if you want to. I have found the most amazing woman in the galaxy, I love her, an I'm happy with jus her. I don't need or want anything other than her, she is my goddess, she is my queen...this game gives us not only the chance of fun...but a chance of something more...think about that the next time you are out to jus sleep with the next toon you see :P

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...