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#1 DarrenD

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Posted 22 December 2016 - 10:29 PM

Somewhat inspired by Nikki's "12 years a slave" posting about the "real life things" that might happen if you get into the game too deep, I thought I'd throw in my piece of cake as well.

Before I begin, a little background about me (yes, real life!!!) I have a pretty full real life and am in a long term relationship that - unfortuately - somehow has lost its spice when it comes to sex. Happens in every relationship, I guess, and I won't bother you with any details. Just that much, that sex is not everything in a relationship and both the relationship itself and love still work when things have gotten a little more "relaxed".

Now, I've been playing this game for some months and had my share of fun, met many cool, creative, sweet, crazy, stupid people, drama queens and drama kings. Some years ago, I had already played, but soon lost interest because there were far less people playing it than now, it was quite buggy (yes, worse than today :)) and lacked many of the cool things we have now (like group chat or public user rooms). This time, however, it is different, I really start to get drawn deep into it.

The "issue" with this is that sex with my RL partner has gotten even less than it was before, because my interest in RL sex is fading. Somehow it seems almost like cheating, because that's what usually happens, when you or your partner has an affair. This troubles me, because I was not thinking about 3dx being cheating.

Reminds me of the "this is just a game" saying, which I generally find rather adequate, "don't take virtual things too serious" ... And now I have to admit that obviously it is not "just a game", because it affects my RL, no matter if I initially believed it or like it now.

Some time ago I talked with a girl in game and she took the stance that there was no difference between real and 3dx life, it was all the same life, just different aspects of it, like you have a work life, a family life and whatever else, and maybe she is right ...

And so I'm wondering, how do others deal with their real life relationships? What effects does playing this game have on you and your partnership (if you have one)?


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#2 LovelyBritney

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Posted 22 December 2016 - 10:56 PM

I can see where you are going with this and I kind of agree with you. I thought about this a lot, almost every time when I had a relationship in game and that is what would happen if I started to get close to someone irl and maybe even got into an irl relationship while being in one on here.

 

I always said that real life is always more important than virtual life here so I guess I wouldn't be able to keep both, but if you talk about sex.. I guess that would depend on my real life partner and his opinion on that matter because I would feel guilty keeping this away and have sex here while also in real life even tho here it's just a game for some, for me it's very real as well and sensual when it gets to sex.

 

I know some people who are happily taken in real life and even on here and have no problem with it and also some who see a problem with having two relationships like this or even having just sex here. Guess it mainly depends on how you see it and what your partner thinks about it


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#3 AmberS

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Posted 22 December 2016 - 11:13 PM

To be honest I always wondered how people manage to keep their real life relationship by still being here. At some point I got frustrated when almost every man I met here, was married IRL. For me personally it's a turn off. However I always try no to judge people since life can be weird at some times. I do think that sex here is kind of cheating since you interact with real people behind the screen, so the danger to fall in love or get attracted by someone else who finally can fulfil your wild sexual desires is very high. I even know some people who left their RL partner cause they were so in love with someone online. 

 

Personally I do not come here when I have real relationship. But oh well, maybe I am still too young to know how it goes when you are for many years together with someone. 


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#4 RomanFox

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Posted 23 December 2016 - 12:07 AM

It's topics like these that are really fascinating, especially when it comes to reading people's opinions on them.

I think it ultimately ends up being different for everyone, considering details can make a big difference.

 

Food for thought essay:

 

Real vs Virtual

It's a topic that keeps coming back, and deservedly... Some use it as a means to hide while others use it to draw a line between the two. A select few manage to combine it. I consider myself as part of the third group. But before I go into that, I'd like to continue with something else:

My personal opinion on this matter is that you can't fully seperate virtual and reality... you're playing the game based on your personal desires, likes, thoughts, etc... So at least, that part of reality goes across. Then there's the fact that people are able to make you smile behind your computer screen or cause you to shake in anger... so even though the game is virtual... it still gets to affect your emotional state.

I think a whole bunch of people forget that when it comes to interacting with others and when they are not on the receiving end of bad events... they don't really take the time to think about it.

 

Now considering it can do just that to you... It can also affect your sexual desires. Especially when ultimately, a friendly relationship turns sexual and it actually grands you "satisfaction". I'm going to assume over 80% of the people will actually masturbate and what not during their sexual encounters in the game... I like to compare it to what happens when someone is furiously fapping while watching online porn and after climax, wonders what the actual f... he was watching. The drop happens, whether you're watching video's or indulging in virtual interaction with someone else. I can fully understand it has a negative affect on your sex life in that case. However, you could also use it to spice it up ;) that would mean you'd have to stop touching whenever things turn hot hot hot...

 

Which brings me to why I consider myself part of the third group. Both my GF and myself play this game, we both get to try things with eachother in the form of roleplay and ultimately helps us break the ice in real life situations.


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#5 AmberS

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Posted 23 December 2016 - 10:19 AM

I think Roman that your example is not really correct, since you met your gf here. So, it's absolutely understandable that you both still play this game. And I imagine you are are in LDR? I am not sure about it, so sorry. But I also wonder would you two still play this game if you would live together or at least would be able to meet as much as you would like to. In this case it would be more interesting to hear if someone started to play this game with their real partner and which effect it had. Or introduced partner to the game after a while to break the ice :) I do remember reading in someone's profile, that both their rl husband and her are playing 3dx. 
 

Maybe for you, Darren, this could be an option as well :) Create an account for your partner and take a look if this might help or not.


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#6 Amberhawk

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Posted 23 December 2016 - 01:47 PM

How often do we unintentionally get overly involved with movie or book characters, a music band, those who we might consider friends in real life?

 

I think it has more to do with people believing they can separate everything out and keeping it separated. Everything we do affects us deeply, often unnoticed. Because we put ourselves into the things we do, those deep feelings, ideas, beliefs all bleed over to those other things. No matter how hard we try or how good we get in mostly compartmentalizing, it still interconnects. We are who we are regardless of how we try to present ourselves in business or pleasure.

 

 

I've been on IMVU for years, watched countless flipflops of friends flitting from one virtual relation to another. I played Wow for years too, saw a few relationships develop there... some from people who were already married. Countless message boards and chat rooms with much the same behaviors and attitudes. People in general cannot control their feelings, and for whatever reason most think they must act on their feelings regardless of who else might be involved.

 

With all this, I honestly feel that people who tend to treat this as 'just a game' cause so much more damage than they will ever realize, and that if anyone really wishes to keep it a game, to make sure they are clear with others they have no interest or intention to find anything serious or long term because there are quite a few people who are either purposely looking or who can be easily swayed to act on emotion, and no matter the view of what this is, there are always others, with other views, who won't know what anyone else's personal ideas are unless people make it known.

 

After all, that is part of why the profile is there. And it really would save many from much unwanted drama. Well, that and the realization that we really don't need to respond nastily to opinions that are different or opposite from our own.


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#7 DarrenD

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Posted 23 December 2016 - 03:48 PM

I can see where you are going with this and I kind of agree with you. I thought about this a lot, almost every time when I had a relationship in game and that is what would happen if I started to get close to someone irl and maybe even got into an irl relationship while being in one on here.

 

I always said that real life is always more important than virtual life here so I guess I wouldn't be able to keep both, but if you talk about sex.. I guess that would depend on my real life partner and his opinion on that matter because I would feel guilty keeping this away and have sex here while also in real life even tho here it's just a game for some, for me it's very real as well and sensual when it gets to sex.

 

I know some people who are happily taken in real life and even on here and have no problem with it and also some who see a problem with having two relationships like this or even having just sex here. Guess it mainly depends on how you see it and what your partner thinks about it

 

Yes, you're right, it probably boils down to what the my partner thinks about it ...

 

And yes, I agree that the sex in here is very real and very sensual ... that's part of my problem actually, somehow :)

 

So maybe I'll talk to my partner about it, will be fun to see her reaction


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#8 DarrenD

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Posted 23 December 2016 - 03:57 PM

To be honest I always wondered how people manage to keep their real life relationship by still being here. At some point I got frustrated when almost every man I met here, was married IRL. For me personally it's a turn off. However I always try no to judge people since life can be weird at some times. I do think that sex here is kind of cheating since you interact with real people behind the screen, so the danger to fall in love or get attracted by someone else who finally can fulfil your wild sexual desires is very high. I even know some people who left their RL partner cause they were so in love with someone online. 

 

Personally I do not come here when I have real relationship. But oh well, maybe I am still too young to know how it goes when you are for many years together with someone. 

 

Hmm, I'm not unbiased here, but yes, I think you should not judge. Less sex just happens when you are together for a longer period of time, it's no ones fault.

 

And the thing with married players is not not much different with female players, actually. Many of the (older) female friends I have in here are in some relationship or married (and not all will tell you right from the beginning).



#9 RomanFox

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Posted 23 December 2016 - 05:56 PM

@AmberS

Make sure to read and fully understand what it is I'm saying... to my GF and myself (yes, currently still LDR, although shes arriving here in a few hours) this ADDS to our sex life... it allows us to experiment in the comfort setting of virtuality and when we're seperated.. allows us to enjoy eachother in that way (with the use of Lovense toys). However, and this applies to LDR or a more conventional relationship, if you seek pleasure with someone other than your partner in the game and actually reach climax, it COULD potentially have a negative impact on your own sex life such as the OP described. I'm not saying that's the effect in all cases, but it's definitely understandable. The example I used was to point out that some people lose sexual desire after actually having had an orgasm... to some it takes a few minutes, to others it takes hours...

#10 AmberS

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Posted 23 December 2016 - 08:00 PM

@AmberS

Make sure to read and fully understand what it is I'm saying... to my GF and myself (yes, currently still LDR, although shes arriving here in a few hours) this ADDS to our sex life... it allows us to experiment in the comfort setting of virtuality and when we're seperated.. allows us to enjoy eachother in that way (with the use of Lovense toys). However, and this applies to LDR or a more conventional relationship, if you seek pleasure with someone other than your partner in the game and actually reach climax, it COULD potentially have a negative impact on your own sex life such as the OP described. I'm not saying that's the effect in all cases, but it's definitely understandable. The example I used was to point out that some people lose sexual desire after actually having had an orgasm... to some it takes a few minutes, to others it takes hours...

 

Kind of rude, I didn't mean any harm to you or your relationship  :huh:

Just seems to me that it's easier to use this place for any kind of RP if you met your partner here. At least your partner likes this place as well and you don't have to explain, why you are such perv or why you need to go online to satisfy you needs. To some people just a thought of online sex is absolutely unacceptable. 

 

Hmm, I'm not unbiased here, but yes, I think you should not judge. Less sex just happens when you are together for a longer period of time, it's no ones fault.

 

And the thing with married players is not not much different with female players, actually. Many of the (older) female friends I have in here are in some relationship or married (and not all will tell you right from the beginning).

 

Sure, but then we can discuss if it's OK to cheat or not, if there is simply less sex with time. IMO everything is fine when both are fine with it. People have open marriages, some join swinger clubs, another are just fine when their partner has lover, but some don't accept if they partner is even watching porn. I assume you wanted to hear different opinions, so I told mine. To me a thought that my partner is here having sex with someone is not acceptable and I consider it to be cheating, since I don't think that it's just a game. But, as I wrote already, maybe you should try to get your partner involved in here as well and first RP here, then continue in bed  ;)



#11 Lilcal

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Posted 23 December 2016 - 08:27 PM

First  I think what works for one person, doesn't necessarily work for the next..  so I certainly can not speak for others.  Not about what how someone should play, what they should reveal, or what should work for them.   Of course I have expectations of the people I interact with, but they are free to not interact with me if theirs differ.  

 

I decided to comment on this however.. as I have a long term RL relationship (21 years) and also a long term online relationship (almost 6 years--while we have only been in 3dx a year ish--we came from another site together)..  both are happy.. all parties are informed..

 

I can say what makes it all work for me is honesty...  both in rl and online..  and a big part of that is being honest with yourself.  I have watched so many friends and acquaintances say they want one thing then and go after that thing, while as you watch them you can plainly see they really want something totally different.  If your not honest about what you want.. You cant expect to find what you want.  And if you don't know what you want.. well dont expect anyone else to know either.  I don't understand the lying and games ppl play with each other  so there's really no need to address that part of the honesty.  My brain just doesn't work that way, so Ive stopped trying to figure that part out.  Should be common sense that if your not honest with your partner things wont work.

 

As for the real life sex aspect.. I too came to these types of places as a safe way to umm.. supplement the sex that was lacking in rl (I stayed of course because I found it was a wonderful place to make friends and socialize--lol not that the sex isn't still great). I have found that being on here has enriched my rl relationship in many ways.  Even communication.. as here you type and have time to think and delete even the things that come out of your mouth..  I have learned to do some of that in my real life too.  Think before I speak.. was a new concept for me. lol    But back to the sex..  I find this makes that better in RL and here as well.  Crowe and I often share stories of our real life experiences..  its fun and sexy and definitely a turn on for the both of us.  My rl hub doesn't like to get involved in the stuff here.. just doesn't do anything for him, However he does occasionally enjoy a story about other women. And loves when I show him boobie pics!  

 

Bottom line I guess is to always be self aware..  and honest as you feel you can be.  I have learned that relationships are rarely black and white.. you have to try different things to figure out what works for you.  But you cant do that if your not honest with yourself and willing to admit when something isnt working.  Willing to do something different to make it work.. And to never let anyone else derail you from the path you have chosen.  Crowe and I have been at this a long time...my rl relationship even longer..  we have found what works for us..  I Hope that you find a balance that works for you as well!!!

 

Is a very relevant topic for the community I think..  if I were in my avi I would wiggle at ya!!!  Have to settle for a typed clapping of the hands here though....


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#12 DarrenD

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Posted 23 December 2016 - 09:12 PM

@RomanFox

 

Took me some time to (hopefully) find the right words for a response.

 

I think, the very nature of this game is based on promiscuity. Yes, you can decide to be together with only one person in here and even "marry" someone, but at the bottom line it is far easier to have sex with a huge number of people than it is in RL. At least for me this nicely shows when you look on an "affair". In 3dx, that might happen just very frequently and maybe even without greater consequences (because it is somehow expected), but in RL, things might be different (unless you life in an real open relationship). An affair in 3dx may even be something that spices up your RL sex life with your GF.

 

So I think you two have a different kind of relationship in RL than what I will ever have, because yours started here. Your partner is not only aware of the nature of the game but probably actively likes it for that.

 

However, thank you very much for sharing your thoughts :)



#13 DarrenD

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Posted 23 December 2016 - 09:14 PM

Sure, but then we can discuss if it's OK to cheat or not, if there is simply less sex with time. IMO everything is fine when both are fine with it. People have open marriages, some join swinger clubs, another are just fine when their partner has lover, but some don't accept if they partner is even watching porn. I assume you wanted to hear different opinions, so I told mine. To me a thought that my partner is here having sex with someone is not acceptable and I consider it to be cheating, since I don't think that it's just a game. But, as I wrote already, maybe you should try to get your partner involved in here as well and first RP here, then continue in bed  ;)

Yep, that's all true, I think I'll really have that conversation with my partner, will be a funny situation :)



#14 DarrenD

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Posted 23 December 2016 - 09:41 PM

@LilCal - Thank you so much for this, LilCal, that's an amazing response!!

 

Honesty, yes, the glue of all relationships ... you are very right. If I think about it, then that's probably exactly the thing that troubles me the most, this virtual life in the shadows that starts to mean something to me

 

Another hint that a talk with my GF is the thing to happen ... will be a thrilling experience, I'm sure

 

/me wiggles back at you :)



#15 RomanFox

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Posted 27 December 2016 - 03:17 AM

@AmberS

I most definitely didn't intent to be rude, so I'm sorry if my response felt that way. I would like to add though that before I met her.. which was basically right on time because I wasn't planning on staying, it did feel that this game wasn't really a place for me to stick around in. To me personally, my look on things only drastically changed after Dom and I got together.. I think mostly because she allowed me to no longer feel persuaded and thus become unaffected by certain things when it came to interacting with other people through 3DX. Ultimately we all came here with the idea of toying around with the more mature content of the game... and a lot of us have changed it into a social platform with a little extra. What I'm saying is is that even though we both play the game and we understand it... it doesn't it always ends up easy. (Please continue reading, just need to point at DarrenD because both your comments kind of mix together now :P)

@DarrenD & AmberS

I understand it's almost an expectation for people to sleep around on 3DX, but that is not always the case... there's tons of couples out there that try exclusivity and Dom and I are no different. To us, it's an extension to what we have in RL and a helpful addition when it comes to dealing with LDRs but we are still exclusive both inside and outside of the game. In a game like 3DX it's not always easy... you never really know what is going on unless communication goes beyond just ingame messages and what not... which is luckily the case for us. I know I've strayed a bit off topic here... but the main thing I'm trying to say is parallel to what LilCal said... communication and honesty are the core fundamentals to make things work both inside 3DX or in RL. If you can manage to communicate even the smallest details and complete openness and full honesty... then I believe things will become a lot easier for all parties involved.

PS: know that to me... there was a lot of falling and standing back up... but when you ultimately get something that feels real... you'll know it and it allows you to open your eyes and see the bigger picture. Like I meantioned before, thanks to Dom, I was able to look at things more objectively... apply what i had learned from both bad and good experiences alike and talk to people in a neutral way. I no longer talk to a person in the hopes of having it end into something sexual... I talk because they bring interesting topics to the table... so can I say I'm not a perv now? :3

EDIT: I may end up adjusting this post since it was typed in a hasty manner from my phone... which is something I usually prefer NOT to do.
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#16 Lilcal

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Posted 29 December 2016 - 08:34 PM

I would just like to add something that I have learned through both my own experiences as well as watching others in these types of games...

 

If your in any kind of relationship, but specifically ones that are open or semi open (also just applies to playing on here, in any form, if you have a rl partner and that partner knows about this) you must always make sure that person knows and feels they are most important, that they are at the top of the totem pole I guess. 

 

My rl husband doesn't mind this as I am honest and open about it..  I hide nothing so he doesn't view it as a threat.  Also if he is wanting time or whatever I never hesitate to sign right outta here. Or go AFK to tend to him (lol  tend is a general term..I don't need a feminist lecture)  He is always first, and I make sure that he never doubts that. 

 

As Crowe and I play with others in game as well..  the same applies..  He is always first (yet always understands and supports--real life first), always has veto power over other men or women.  As do I, where he is concerned.   I always try to make sure he feels he's most important, as he does for me as well.  If there is doubt there, to who is most important, or who is at the top of that totem pole again,  problems arise.  When you really care about someone this isn't hard to do.

 

Anyone who knows Crowe and I, know that we are chatty ass ppl.  Most likely runnin our mouths in local at twice the speed of most.  So I dont mean that one has to be constantly alone or needy or whatever.  We flirt openly with most other people..  its fun and sexy too.  Often when we are going in local we arent chatting tons in pm..  but u can be sure if his name  blinks it takes precedence over any other.  If im not feeling the big group scene.. hes just as happy to be alone.  If another woman he has his eye on rubs me wrong.. we walk away.. no questions asked.  And Vice Versa on all these things.  But again  some of this should just be common sense.   Why be in a relationship with someone if your not that into them..  If ya don't just naturally want to make them first and happy and all that.. your probably not into them as much as you think you are.

 

Maybe a bit of a soap box topic for me  and strayed from the original.. just something that popped into my head after reading more on the topic here.


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#17 DarrenD

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Posted 30 December 2016 - 07:22 PM

LilCal, you seem to have a complicated live, having both a real and virtual (almost) LTR doesn't sound too easy to coordinate :D Twice the fun but also twice the quarrel, I guess.

 

Some days ago I got over my anxiety and my partner and I actually had a long talk, also discussing me playing this game. A somehow both funny and exciting situation ... First she was a bit afraid and surprised, but eventually all worked out well for both of us - and our relationship. At some point she even wants me to show her around in 3dx.

 

At least for me this is a big relief, because the bad tension that had built up previously between us is now gone.

 

And, as AmberS suggested, maybe I can even talk her into giving the game at least a try, who knows what will happen then :)

 

Thanks all for your input, very much appreciated!!!


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#18 greyb

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Posted 02 March 2017 - 01:56 AM

I think you and your real life partner should have a long talk about this. So that you both can have open communication. That's the most important part of the relationship communicating everything to lessen the burden :)


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#19 Domonique

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Posted 02 March 2017 - 10:39 AM

@DarrenD

 

It was some time ago you had the chat with your GF, you're still here so something hopefully went right. What's happened since then?



#20 Lascivious

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Posted 02 March 2017 - 11:25 AM

Just found/read this thread. When I joined 3dx it was actually at the bequest of my at-the-time boyfriend. We shared a big thing for experimentation and, in particular, cuckolding stuff. He use to watch me play and all the things I got up to. It was hot and fun. But I digress. I have to admit my curiosity is also really peaked. Did you end up chatting with your significant other in the end?




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