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Can You Fall in Love with Someone You've Never Met?


Bran

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"The sex organs engorge, the skin tingles . . . the eyes dilate, the heart beats faster, the rate of breathing rises, and it is possible that the excited body also puts out aphrodisiac chemical odours." Congratulations! You're in love. At least according to biological theory, as described in Sheila Sullivan's indispensable guide Falling in Love.

 

You name it, we've read about it: falling in love; falling out of love; making love; forbidden love; love found; love lost; love aches; love pains; lovers' tiffs. So, how to write about a subject that everyone else has already written about, and everyone has already read about?

 

That's an interesting question; however, the answer to that question is not as apparent or straightforward. I can entirely see how you can fall in love with someone you've never met. People generally get attracted to each other based on common ideas, common outlook towards life, common value systems, similar views on important issues. Also, you might like their sense of humor - that does come through no matter what the medium - speech or chat or text. So, face-to-face contact isn't as essential in knowing the other person. One can even argue that not having face-to-face contact can have certain advantages. You may not judge the other person for their physical looks per se, but may get in touch with them at a deeper emotional level.

Consequently, I would think you could fall in love with someone you've never met in person. But, could such a love stand the test of time? Would such a love overcome the potentially high expectations generated by an online or virtual personality? Certain personality traits may not be visible or apparent in an the online domain. Would such a love then be able to come to terms with the reality of physical imperfections or deficiencies? These are important questions to consider when one falls in love in the virtual world.

 

Assuming that a couple has met in a virtual world, the more interesting thing that I'd like to know would be - what would be their reaction when they do in fact meet in person for the first time. You may like their thoughts/views on various subjects and like the online person you've met, but what if the person turns out to be, well, not as attractive physically when you first meet them. Can you overlook that fact and love them the same way as you did before you met?

Even though most people say (to be politically correct than anything else) that outward beauty doesn't matter to them, generally most people value beauty in a potential partner. So, while it is possible that you can fall in love with someone you've never met in person, it is not as possible to predict whether you would in fact remain in love with that person - once you've met them - especially if that person turns out to be not as attractive (based on your standards of attractiveness).

Also, when you do in fact meet a person face-to-face, you may discover many things about him/her that you hadn't quite anticipated. Perhaps, he/she has some embarrassing habits that you hadn't quite anticipated -- or perhaps he/she has some irritating quality that wasn't apparent to you before through his/her online persona. So, while you can fall in love with someone you've never met, whether you stay in love with that person is quite another matter.

There is also the potential problem of anonymity and people who mask their true identities online. You may have very good, honest, genuine intentions and want real love, but can you be really sure that the other person with whom you are chatting to or speaking with shares those intentions? For all you know, the other person may be twice the age he/she actually claims to be, he/she may be married and claim to be single, they may be showing you pictures of someone else but may claim that the person in the picture is in fact them. How can you be sure?

The online world is a world of escape for some people and many just come online to live a world they can't live in the real world. So, they may just log in and claim to be someone who they are not, but you have no way of knowing that. To me, this is the biggest problem a person who connects with another person online faces.

So, while you may fall in love with someone you've never met physically (and it is quite possible) - the more important question that you should be asking is if you truly have fallen in love with a real person - who exists in the real world - or an online mirage that's a figment of someone's imagination, someone who is just in it for the fun of it, maybe just to find someone to get physical with, someone who is not as serious about finding love as you are?

 

According to recent posts by dating websites, approximately 15 to 20% of all online relationships lead to marriage. Marriage experts agree that there are a few benefits with online dating that far outweigh traditional dating. For example, many people find it easier to be more vulnerable with their emotions online, and the courtships can last longer for couples that talk online. Experts agree that having intimacy and sex before you know the person well can damage the relationship.  Depending on when the meet up happens, these couples may actually know one another on a more intimate level than people who date face to face. The biggest concern is that people who are dating online have an easier time being deceptive.  It's easy to fool someone if you are never face to face with them. Leading them on or scamming them is also more likely as they only know what you tell them or what they see via a possible Skype.  Relationships that don't progress to an eventual meet up are not normal. Humans want to see the person they believe they love, they want to touch them, and they want to connect physically with them. In fact, resisting a meet up after months of talking daily would be a sign that there is something amiss with the person you met online. For example, problems with commitment, abandonment or fear of being vulnerable would stand out as likely with this group.

 

So, hope for the best, but expect the worst to save yourself some heartbreak. Online love does happen and has happened. I believe that a virtual romantic relationship, when judged by its emotional content, can be as real as any other form of relationship. What it can’t be, sadly, is an absolute guarantor of a successful non-virtual relationship. Some people – I won’t venture a guess about the percentages – might get along fantastically virtually, but couldn’t stand each other in person.

 

Have you fallen in love with someone you've never met? If so, I'd like to hear. Feel free to share your experiences ...

(please do not use In Game Names, if refering to players)

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Guest JeanetteVoerman

As many know, I was for many years on another game and I had time to build relationships that are certain become true friends and for others who remained in the box lol.
I saw some people in love and others in hate ... feelings are present even if we are in a virtual world. We must not forget that a real person is behind the screen and plays his " role " as it would in real life. Therefore forced to see that people behave as they would in reality.
I also loved and hated people and I think it's not over, don't believe that everyone is beautiful and nice lol

Believe it or not I also attended a wedding from the old game, I mean a real wedding in real life in Germany, people I've known virtually and who thought their virtual friends to celebrate this. Everyone is not a cheater... Some people really open their heart for a friendly relationship or more.
For my part, I think it is well worth the shot to try it. There are really good people who hang around here, to us to find them and maybe build something.

So I think yes love is possible, without seeing each for real. You just need to know how to maintain the flame alive.

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My personal feeling is that regardless of whether you are able to physically touch the person or even see them, people make connections. The longer you talk to somebody, "spend" time with them getting to know everything about them, the stronger your bond and feelings for that person become. We form attachments to people we like, and anything can burgeon into love, or even grow into falling in love with somebody. We are connected by technology making it easier to communicate with somebody on the other side of the globe, and there are whole businesses being built on providing ways for people to be intimate from a distance. What you do, they feel and visa versa.

 

Should something grow enough, relationship wise, minds out the gutter people :P, people could even end up meeting, moving and getting together more permanently. And seeing as you asked so nicely...

 

I was in a relationship in another game, for over a year with a woman that I cherished deeply, and we fell in love. Every spare moment was spent online with each other be it skype, whatsapp or the game itself. Had our life situations not changed we might have actually gotten together. We knew everything about each other and we were so compatible and yet we were from 2 different countries countless miles apart.It was something else entirely after getting divorced to meet somebody that was so totally different to the person I decided to leave after she broke my faith, and this girl had a similar thing happen so we were kindred souls. It was amazing how quickly it grew into what it was and what it became, and the fact that it was something I never thought possible.

 

Had we had more time, I might have been able to actually get to her but things happened on her side forcing her to change her situation and after trying we could not find the time or place to continue as we had, but we remained friends and still do this day talk often. It did not flourish into what it could have been, but I have a lifelong friend and somebody that understands me like no other could. I am thankful I got to meet her.

 

I will say this, never ever give up hope, and if you are against an online anything, don't be, it can bring some amazing people into your life, and perhaps more.

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Wow. What a good read Bran!

 

So, where to start? First answering the main question; yes, you can definitely fall in love with someone you never met! And I don't think this is a weird thing at all. When it comes to love, we loose control and the heart just takes the wheel. It really doesn't matter if your special someone is right in front of you or a ocean apart. 

 

We live in interesting times. The world has never been smaller, so to speak, and being side by side is not a requirement to get know or spend time with someone anymore. Don't get me wrong, having your loved on in your arms is always gonna be the one of the best feelings on Earth, but there's a whole lot more to it than that. 

 

Although we may not control or totally understand our hearts, one thing I'm absolutely sure; those beautiful sparks, legs shaking and chest rushing can happen without physical presence. Falling in love is a process of being in awe with someone as a whole and (I know this sounds like the biggest cliche on the world) maybe personality and mind are much more important then looks when it comes to love and not just a casual or instinctive attraction.

 

The rule of thumb goes like this: if you smile like a child without any particular reason you, my friend, are in love.

 

Anyone, moving on :P

 

I can't think of anything that would cause more anxiety then meeting face to face your distant love! Wow. That's a roller-coaster of feelings.

 

The cheating/lies part is always a risk. It may be a little easier to hide and deceive from behind a screen, but those kind of people will probably just do the same in RL. I'm not talking about role-players or people that really don't want to mix virtual with real, that's is perfectly fine as long as they are open about what they want. But those who don't give a damn and do whatever they want regardless of other people feelings are probably like that in real life too. Jerks and sociopaths are not exclusive to the internet.

 

Of course we should protect ourselves but there's so much lies someone can tell before all the BS catches up.  All we can do is trust our guts and don't be afraid to be open with who we care about and have learned to trust. Be that your GF/BF or friend. I've been fortunate enough to make really good friends in life over the internet and I'm also very happy with the ones I've been making here. For those who have trust issues; don't be afraid! Be careful but don't close yourself or you're going to miss a lot. I know there's some awful people in the world but there's a lot more of nice, honest ones. Never forget that.

 

Now, about the "you're not what I expected" part. I don't know how bad this can be. I mean, if you are in a relationship like that for a while you have probably traded pictures, personal histories and shared some of your problems. I know this sounds all mushy, but if you love someone that person is always gonna be the most beautiful one alive and any little habit or stuff that you don't like is probably gonna be crushed by the simple fact that you are in love.

 

Anyway, those are words of someone who are in love :wub:  but still .. that's what I really believe in :P
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I think the key to any succesful relationship (whether virtual or otherwise) is that it start with honesty... cliche I know, but here in a virtual atmosphere, often times people are "trying on" something that in real life they can't otherwise actualize. So potentially at least, the very first greeting can be contrived and less than sincere. That doesn't mean that time together won't win the day and bear out something more genuine and meaningful.

 

Like Ms. Voerman, I also spent a lot of time in another avatar based platform and met many that became dear friends and many I still hear from today. That said, there were also occasions that I was on the giving or receiving end of heart wrenching emotion as well. I'm not certain whether this makes Me fortunate or not, but now I look for subtle signs from either side of the dynamic, that things may be heading in a direction that would require discernment.

 

I believe wholeheartedly that love is an immeasurable emotion that certainly doesn't rely on a specific formula. In fact, quite the opposite seems true; the more we anticipate it the further out of reach it can appear to be.The key seems to rest on not having expectations, expectations that can potentially lead to disappointments. And what better place to not have expectations than in a virtual world?

 

It's when we're least guarded and  most open that the most defining moments in life are realized. I believe this fact holds true whether in virtual space or in real life.

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Yes, you can fall in love with someone online. But you only love a portion of that person. A person is not just their mind, what you can read in the chat window. They don'T look like the gods and goddesses of our avatars. You don'T know how they are in real life: the mannerisms, the pet-peeves, the flesh and blood stuff. Some would say loving their mind and overlooking their body is noble and makes the love more "pure" or something. I find that very naive. If you saw that person in RL, without knowing who they were, would you ever bother to look twice? In most cases no. How honest is any relationship in which the entire physical aspect is absent? They say 80-90% of any interaction is body language: online you get only a very anemic interaction then, no?

 

We evolve online, in a specific setting that encourages friendships certainly, but also a fair amount of promiscuity. As long as you "play the game", with all it'S rules and fit the socially acceptable standard, you'll be perceived positively. It's no different than any group, apart from the premise that this game is meant as a safe escape from RL. We go there to relax, to get away from all the bs our lives force upon us. Therefore the politik thing to do is always be upbeat, positive and cheerful. In this universally understood context, can you ever be sure the person you are talking to isn't just hiding his negative facets in order to "fit in"?

 

We all want to be loved. We all behave in a manner to be loved. Especially in a game that can interpret "love" in such distinct ways. You can love someone you've never met, but always remember that person is showing you the best they have to offer, what remains hidden is usually not as pretty. Knowing this, I think falling in love online to be very risky. I look for friendship certainly, but love is reserved for RL. If I can't see you, hear the sound of your voice and therefore experience the infinite number of body language signals that go between us, I can't thrust that what I'm feeling is love. I can't be sure that the feeling I'm experiencing is coming from the other person instead of the perception I have built up of that person.

 

The online world is very small, yes. I've chatted with people from all over the place and each conversation has brought me something I cherish: a new perspective, new experiences. (Thanks to everyone I've talked to so far for that btw) But love requires that you meet at some point, as someone else has pointed out. What are you going to do then? Fly 6000 miles to be with them for a week and then return home? What then? RL starts to intrude then. You need to plan meet-ups, need to work extra shifts to pay for that plane ticket, need to figure out vacation time. That wonderful uncomplicated love then becomes complicated, hard to sustain. Is it worth jeopardizing your relationship in order to transition to a RL one? The romantics among us will say yes. I'm one of them. But the only way it is worth it is to be brutally honest with yourself and the other person as to what it implies and what the potential consequences are. Too often the mind builds it up beautifully and reality shatters it. Is your relationship strong enough to survive that?

 

I hope this post is not perceived as a diss towards online relationships. It's not. But these types of relationships are a new thing. The rules aren'T well known yet and the pitfalls are not common knowledge either. I'm outlining some of the risks and consequences involved in order for people to start thinking of them and hopefully avoid being hurt. Awareness of the bad stuff is the first step in avoiding it. After that, what you are left with is the good stuff. Aim for the good stuff people, aim with your hearts and let your minds get you there. Your hearts make good captains, but your minds make better navigators.

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I have a better question: How do I stop falling in love with someone I've never met? :D

The simple answer is "stop playing games."  :P

 

But the simple answer doesn't work for me, because this the first community I've ever found where most people are willing to be friends and lovers with both me and my transgender alter ego. And that releases a very strong stream of pent up emotions.

 

Truth is, I let myself get attached to people way too easily, so for me the real issue is not "can you fall in love" but "how to maintain proper distance" when I catch myself falling for someone too soon.

 

Oh course, there are some people who know me, read this, and say to themselves: Stop pretending you're not a "playa" for starters.  Yeah, mea culpa on that one, I guess.

Anyway, enough true confessions for one day. 

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My answer has to be yes and no!  I'm a very emotional guy and I wear my heart on my sleeve way too much. There are so many wonderful people in 3dx that it would be impossible for me not to fall in love with at least one of them. For me though, it is very much mental, I would never really think of a physical relationship forming from a meeting in 3dx . That does not mean to say that the love isn't real , I've been blessed with a lot of it in 3dx and I wouldn't change it in any way.

 

Thank you for a wonderful post Bran.

 

Denis 

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I have so enjoyed this post that I am compelled to reply.  Speaking from experience, as our generation goes from the days of old, to the new labels of today.

 

Just go back , say 25 year ( And I know. there are a lot of you that were in diapers lol )  Pen Pals since the 5th grade, who grew up together with hopes and dreams of adventure, passion and desire.  Had just THIS same question.

 

The word "Love" - in todays society as so many meanings ... Example:  American phrase "Dude".   It is all in the voice reflection, and that does not translate into text nor video game ( and let's remind ourselves, that this is an adult avatar "X" site. That happens to have a wonderful and giving/understanding community, hence - why I am here.  For we all have our reasons. )

 

The actual question you have to ask yourself... soulful. is... The next step.   Is it worth it ?  And I say.  Yes.

 

Life is short and unanswered questions of the heart leads down to regret until you know.  But... be prepared.   And that is all together another post.

 

Good Luck

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Guest RosieBee

I think its easy to fall for somebody on a game like this, because there is so much flirting and emotions that go around...Now if I think its wise to fall for somebody on here, I would say no because I feel there is too much temptation for somebody to stay true to just one person. Also you never really know how truthful a person in on here, it is a game of fantasy so white lies will always be around

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No. I cant love only brain of the person. I need to hear his voice, see his eyes, to feel the smell, the sense of touch and much more. I can talk about real love only in the real world. Is usually love in game ends at the moment when a person leaves the game. Maybe I'm too cynical, but this is my opinion.

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Yes, i think you can.

 

This is personal, but i think i've actually fallen in love with someone. I've only ever known them online, and I've been talking to them regularly (Via things like steam, and skype only) for quite a while.

 

The problem is accepting that it will never happen. It really, really hurts. This can range from them living far away in a different country, to just their lifestyle, their preferences etc.

 

When it comes to places like 3dx though? well.... i have to agree with this:

 

 

Now if I think its wise to fall for somebody on here, I would say no because I feel there is too much temptation for somebody to stay true to just one person. Also you never really know how truthful a person in on here, it is a game of fantasy so white lies will always be around

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Also you never really know how truthful a person in on here, it is a game of fantasy so white lies will always be around

And that differs from real-life relationships in what way, exactly? :P

 

My wife and I never discuss transgender issues and she has no clue about this game or that some of my daily mood swings are related to what happens here. We've been married 26 years in real life. The reasons we got married are long forgotten, as are many of the reasons we've managed to stay together this long. We've each told the other some whopping lies in that time and share a miles-long string of little white ones, too. The reasons we're still together now have a lot more to do with things like money and comfort than with our affection for each other or how open and truthful we've been. But I'm not being cynical. I'm just saying that all these things come into play.

 

Ironically, my experience on 3DX has shown me that you can have a bad relationship with someone who is exactly right for you, and you can also have a perfectly good relationship with someone who is exactly wrong for you. It all depends on whether you go into it with your eyes closed, hoping to find your ideal relationship, or with your eyes wide open, willing to accept your partner, warts and all.  

 

I can understand and appreciate Extreme's perspective, too, about needing all the physical sensations before being able to say honestly that you love someone.

 

But I don't need that. The more cross over into real life, the deeper I'll fall. But even if someone says from the start that their character is total fantasy and there will be no contact at all outside the game, I will still feel deep affection for them and even fall in love, if the relationship develops that way.

 

Damn fool, I am; but a damn lovable one.  :D

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I'll post my thoughts even if some might disagree with them.

 

Love is a very deep and special feeling. It is bound simply by truth and willingness to build a bond. Can that be shared online ... yes and no. I'll start with no first. Most people will never get past simple flirting and words. They are as empty and meaningless as the moment they are said. They are said to make you feel special for that moment, but hold nothing more past it. It is a game, a fiction, a nice little story they will create with you. Though depth with such persons will also fail. They share only a segment of their true self with you. And that segment might even be false. They have a hard time really showing you who they are . Because truly to them you do not matter enough for them to explore the reality. You could ask them a million times if their feelings are true. And they will lie a million times to keep that fiction. People have a very hard time just being themselves in real life, let alone in a game. You might think its easier. Many will consider its easier to hide and play a fantasy instead. It can hurt people, it can make people resent etc. The yes part would be. When you stop worrying about the fiction. About the who you wish to pretend to be. When you let down your guard. What you feel they want to hear. And just be yourself. To adorn yourself in no special clothing, words or actions. To know that upon the internet and in a game you do not need to sound cool, or hard, or dark. That people can see past that, to your real true heart. And instead of only sharing a glimpse of yourself you share it all. The true beauty of who you are. That there are no longer restraints or restrictions. That you think and feel in honest feelings. That people care about what you think and what you say, because you are genuine. And hoping that someone cares long enough to return that genuine feeling back to you. To let you know you are not some shadow. Some fixture. That your heart is alive. Your breath so very vivid and real. And that all you crave is people to notice you and say hello. To build upon truth and a real bond. To finally know when they stare at you, when they talk to you, you are being the real you. And that they enjoy being around the real you. As much as you care to be around the real them.

 

(This is really why I'm very quiet a lot online and in this game. I have a hard time trusting people and knowing their intentions. I like real people not fantasies. Though many people when they know the real me, the truth of me, I am often still the girl alone. I am not sad because I'd rather be alone than with people who only want to be fake with me. It hurts a lot less. Actually doesn't hurt at all.)

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Just an example. Some wont agree with it, but its my opinion:

 

You can have an illusion of love in-game, what lasts for 2 days, 1 week, 4 months, 2 years, doesnt matter. In this illusion u can get :

- kind, warm, romantic words typed on chat. Can u be sure that those words are honest? NO

- A person who can even live on Mars, far from you, controling an avatar, reacted to your avatar, what u can call sex. Are you with her/him? NO

- The same person from Mars, typing " I love you " to you on chat. Is it easier to type it, than say it into someones eyes? YES

- The same person who said " i love you " yesterday, having some chat with you about your real life, asking questions, answering yours. Can u be sure he/she likes you, or interested in you when u cant see the eyes, cant hear the voice? NO

- When u ask your martian " have u been with JohnDoe90 (example) yesterday? I heard u had sex with him! " The martian says no. Can u trust her/him? NO, you want to, but u cant. Noone can prove it.

- Maybe your martian is loyal to you, honest with you, loves you (you're already damn lucky ) , care about you, wants to be with you all the time. Is it possible to build a spaceship and travel to Mars to see her/him? Well i guess NO. But if u could. What will u do. Move to Mars? You cant breath there silly kid.

- You can hug, kiss, hold hands, cuddle. Things what are most passionately emotions , helping u explore your martians feelings. Do they realy help you. Can u make different between a friendly hug or a lovers hug watching ur avatar? Between a hot, sexy, deep kiss and a passionate kiss? NO.

- Are u sure when ur talking with your martian in the martian night club she/he is not checking the facebook, playing another game in the same time, staring at an other avatars ass? NO, you are not sure. Lets be honest, the ignorance, and fact that ur lover doesnt realy care about what you are saying, is the first step of a perfect end.

- After all of these. (And could have many others...). You do many things in a virtual game, options are getting to be limitless slowly, hundreds of ways to decide are u in love or not. Still cant decide it properly? Still not 100 % sure ? THATS RIGHT.

 

Compare it with real.

- Can you decide from your partners eyes ,if she/he truly loves you or not? SURE U CAN. Noone can explain it, its physics, chemics, maths, idk. All feel it easily. You are already sure. Just a simple look, can be even only 2 seconds.

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@AndraS I agree with you fully sweetheart. This is largely the greatest misconception of internet dating that people fail to understand. And that is the lack of true relationship depth that only a real life relationship can have. A internet relationship is heavily fractional and distant. There is NOTHING even the so call closest internet bonds can change of it. It is what it is without any effectual change. You share only what you wish people to see when its virtual. This is far harder to do in a real life situation. Because the person you are is more directly observable. People may wish to say 'our love will beat the odds'. And more times than not, sadly they are what make those odds themselves. Its not to say I have a thing against love, those wanting it, those giving it. Its simply on the idea with limited observable conditions the engagement of attraction can be fairly high, and negated in greater extent when it becomes more real. This is why if you want love in a virtual world in true form. Try seeking or wanting it less. Mingle and build bonds and keep it there. Some might say but what you wrote now goes against what you wrote above. Does it? Not at all, it goes with it. Build bonds of truth and understanding do not say 'love', reserve that for when you have met them in real. Otherwise you are only 'loving' them in partial of what they have shown you. You will only hurt yourself in the end most times because of this word so easily used because of the feeling it generates. Does it mean go heartless? No. Just guard your heart because it is a treasure worth guarding. No one else will guard it for you.

 

Remember love is not a simple number, it is not a basic word. You can not attach it to things in partial effect, ie internet dating. Because all it becomes there is a word, nothing more. And love is deserving to be more than just a word. It deserves true unending depth. And you simply can not have that across two computer screens. Period.

 

Do I believe in internet gf/bf/wife/husband .. -lol- no. Its a wonderful little fiction. Nothing wrong with it, sometimes a good fiction is what a heart desires. In truth what would they most likely be? A good friend , maybe a very close friend. And if fate should have it that you meet in real one day. You can work on having love. Does that mean I believe in going from relationship here to relationship in real life .. yes and no. You have to see how it will work out. I've dated online before and ALWAYS make the mention that if they see me we ARE friends only. And that if they want more they have to work for it, as I would. Going straight from relationship online to relationship in real can be potentially dangerous to your heart. I suggest using virtual dating as a tool to find potential partners. Not say 'THEY ARE THE ONE FOR ME'. Let real life decide that for you, then say it. Think of virtual dating like finding someone on a dating site, you still have to meet and go out on dates.

 

I say this from my own heart and thoughts. Even as I have grown to really cherish someone I met in 3DXChat. The best that can happen with it virtually is just very close friends. That won't stop me seeking to be very close friends. And to enjoy every moment seeking.

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*Damn fool, I am; but a damn lovable one.   :D*

 

 

Oh no you are no fool !!! You just a little older, and that gives you some serenity and wisdom to express your real feelings and move on, like most of us feel but are still too involved in protocols or society bondages to venture expressing them openly....

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