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Is Cybersex Sex ?


Bran

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No one knows how many people are doing it. Maybe you’re one of them.

Sex on the ‘Net: late at night in a dark, quiet house. Or in the bright light of morning, just a room away from the kids playing Nintendo. Computer screens across America are glowing with lusty self-portraits and requests, aimed at strangers whose “handles” read like vanity license plates: Cumgood. 69ForU. Babyface.

What exactly are these cybersuitors doing? Just as in the so-called real world, some get their thrills strictly between the ears. Many more have one hand on the keyboard and one on themselves (typing lots of words with no Ks or Ls). Others do their foreplay on-line, then consummate alone, after signing off (paying for the arousal, coming for free).

An unknown number gender-bend, too. Is that really a 14-year-old girl in hot pants you just seduced–or a Hulk Hogan look-alike in a tattered t-shirt surrounded by rug-rats? Maybe it’s actually a college guy with a pocket protector and acne, or a bored Manhattan couple slumming. There’s just no way to tell who Cherry@VP really is.

Some cybersexers are indignant about this manipulation. Many deny it exists, preferring the fantasy that their cyber-partners are exactly what they claim. Some don’t care. And a few revel in it. For them, not knowing their cyber-partner feels exotic; knowing that this stranger may not even be who s/he is portraying is even more exciting.

No one knows how cybersex affects its practitioners’ lives. It provides an opportunity to experiment with new things–erotic power play, for example, asking for what you want, even using words like penis and vulva. Those who have seen themselves through the eyes of only one sexual partner can sense what they might be like with others: they can shop around, expose themselves, be discovered and appreciated anew, be reassured that they’re not, say, frigid, oversexed, or “too” kinky. And young people with little experience can learn about themselves: how they like to be treated, how to say “no” and mean it, what it feels like to initiate or receive attention gracefully.

Cybersex is, of course, “safe sex,” a play space with virtually no serious consequences for mistakes. It’s the chance to explore ourselves and the dynamics of intimate relating, without the fear of hurting self or others, that all of us should have had as adolescents–and almost none of us did.

For some practitioners, cybersex is an amusing adjunct to satisfying sexual relationships, monogamous or otherwise. In that sense, they can take it or leave it; it doesn’t touch them deeply, and they can easily let it go if they want to.

But it figures that most cyberlovers are courting in space less from choice than from necessity. One might hope that cybersex gives America’s nerds and misfits a place to rehearse human connection and practice being socially comfortable, ultimately empowering them to go into the physical world and actually meet someone. But we can just as easily imagine that by providing comfort and validating their withdrawal from people, cybersex invites loners and outcasts further into their isolation. If we want these engineers and accountants to reproduce someday, this isn’t good.

IS IT SEX?

But is any of this sex? And does it matter?

The second question is far easier to answer than the first: yes. It matters because the very inquiry challenges our belief that we know what sex is, and therefore what it isn’t. And that leads us to consider why we have sex, what we want from it, how it feels… in short, what the point of it is.

So what makes something sex?

Orgasm? Nah, you’ve had sex without coming. Many women, of course, do it all the time, deliberately or not. As men get older–and wearier, and wiser–so do they.

Intercourse? Nah, no one getting great head would deny that it’s sex. If your supposedly monogamous wife said she had “only” gotten a hand job from someone, you wouldn’t say, “Oh, OK, as long as you didn’t have sex.” (And while we’re on the subject, if a guy is getting off watching his wife go down on another guy, is he having sex with her? with him? Both?)

Genital contact? Nah, you’ve kissed and caressed someone you deeply desired, and walked away thinking that was great sex, even if you wished you had done more stuff.

See, the more you look at it, the more difficult–and interesting–it gets. So let’s make it harder still. Surely, “sex” requires that people be in the same room, right? Well, the multimillion dollar phone sex industry suggests otherwise. Imagine a professional fantasy lover breathing your name (and several assorted vices) into a phone. You’re at the other end, one hand holding the instrument, the other stroking your own instrument. Or think of your real-life lover doing the whispering (certainly cheaper, especially if it’s a local call) while you get hotter and hotter listening. Not sex, huh?

One more time: consider a letter or videotape created specifically for your lustful pleasure. You hear your sweetheart’s voice, maybe see the body you know and treasure; you have the additional thrill of knowing that your lover created this erotic opportunity just for you, and you feel connected to him/her as you enjoy it. Not sex?

Thoroughly confused now? Good. That means we can return to our question –is cybersex sex?–with renewed appreciation for the subtleties of erotic attachment. Obviously, sex is more than what the bodies do. It’s about erotic energy–noticing, feeling, fueling, and channeling it. And for many people it’s apparently about feeling connected. That’s why they can experience sex through telephones and computers–the drive to feel erotically attached to the universe transcends the vehicle used to connect.

TO HAVE OR TO BE?

In fact, “to have sex” is a misleading expression. “Being sexual” is more accurate, because sex is something you experience, moment by moment, not a thing you own or consume. You’re being sexual whenever you’re channeling erotic energy. By contrast, “having sex” seems rather limited.

You don’t even need a partner experiencing it at the same time. Traditionally, of course, we envision sex as involving sharing or exchanging. Thus, we think of people “having sex with” someone–that is, sharing the commodity. And that, in fact, is why a lot of people don’t understand that masturbation isn’t a substitute for sex, it is sex. It’s being sexual, regardless of the fact that there’s no one else involved.

So cybersex is sex. It’s sex because the cybersexer is experiencing her/his own erotic energy. S/he may or may not be sharing this with someone else, and if there’s a someone else, that person may or may not be who s/he pretends to be. It doesn’t matter.

Admitting that it’s sex, of course, raises intriguing issues such as consent and infidelity. If you’re being quietly sexual on-line unbeknownst to your keyboard acquaintance, have you violated her/his right to consent? And what if you invite an on-line sexual connection, but portray a radically different persona than your own–can your cyberpartner really give informed consent?

If cybersex is clearly not sex, we can do it and say we’re not being unfaithful to a spouse or steady partner. But does a cyber-fling break your promise of fidelity? If your vows merely exclude “having sex” with someone else, you can well claim you’re not actually having sex with someone. But it’s a gray area, and it calls for an honest conversation; when people start prevaricating about the definition of their relationship agreements, it’s time for a serious talk, regardless of the content–sex, money, childrearing, taking care of the dog.

On the other hand, the situation is more complicated if our vows are really about being exclusive with our eroticism, and they exclude the exchange of erotic energy with anyone else. What about flirting? What about fantasies while masturbating? Or while making love? With vows of erotic energy exclusivity, cybersex is only one of many potentially problematic activities.

In fact, the only reason to ask the question “is cybersex sex?” is to realize just how complicated the whole matter is. Not only is sex itself a mystery. Predictably, it turns out that our ways of talking about it are cloaked in ambiguity and mystery as well. We’re a species whose definition of this most central human activity is usually, “I dunno, I guess I know it when I see it.”

Cybersex is only the latest step in our long erotic evolution. If it pushes us to expand our definition of “sex”–on or off the Internet–then our soul-less, gland-less, desire-less machines will have served our lust well. :P :P :P

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It's SOOO interesting this stuff! Many of us are still taught the traditional meaning of sex and love where you are supposed to meet the person of your dreams, fall in love forever and have sex within an official or unofficial marriage. The desire for this can also extend from the need to have the security of a permanent someone in your life to feel validated as a decent human being. This used to be the safest way of doing things while bringing up a family as it would protect you from various diseases and avoid emotional conflicts.

 

But with the latest spate of generational changes we now have so much choice. Food is in abundance. Education, employment and location can be chosen. This has given us the time to think about how we live and raise questions and ideas. Then there is the world's communication network via internet and mobile phones where it has become so easy to learn and spread our knowledge in real time.

 

We are now in a position where we know how we were taught to think but we find ourselves thinking "Hang on, is this really the right way"? The media tries to guide our minds in a certain direction using romanticism and sensationalism, but we are learning fast about different cultures and ideas on how to live.  The words from the song "The Fear" by Lily Allen sum up the latest generations' quandary.

 

"I don't know what's right and what's real anymore, and I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore"

 

So now the definition of sex and love are not black and white but are instead 50 shades of grey, and one person's 50 shades of grey will be different to another's. It is right to talk about sexual energy instead of sex as it is a much more organic concept. Sexual energy can be tapped by anything from choosing a particular item of clothing or walking in a particular way to make yourself look more attractive, to full blown flirting, touching and intercourse.

 

Love and sexual energy also cannot be separated cleanly either. As an example you might work in an office and see someone every day you have never spoken to or even heard speak. You may never have noticed them before until that person was dressed in a particular way and your eye was caught. You know absolutely nothing about who this person is but you still feel an intense desire to be with them. You would feel lucky to exchange a few words with them and when you go home you think about who they might be. You have in one sense fallen in love with this person, a different kind of love than that of a long term relationship, but it's still love and it's full of sexual energy. The common term is a crush.

 

You can have a crush while being in a long term relationship with someone else who you also love. Your long term relationship is a different kind of love but it’s still a love filled with sexual energy. In this case you are in love with more than one person which is another break from traditional view. You can in fact be in love with multiple people and there should be nothing shameful about this.

 

Cybersex (and Cyberlove) is just one small part of a growing picture of human interactions. Nearly all the emotional feelings we used to attain by being in the physical company of another person can now be achieved by people on the opposite side of the world from each other, even without seeing or hearing each other.

 

So what is acceptable and what is not when you are in an existing traditional relationship? I would suggest that it is impossible for two people to agree completely. The only way is to come to an understanding somewhere in the middle ground and as long as neither of you deviates too much from there then all is good. For example you may both have an understanding that flirting outside your relationship is normal but you both agree that it's not a good idea to discuss it with each other. Another couple might actually enjoy discussing it and may lay their boundary differently.

 

We all know these emotions make us feel alive, so enjoy this new sexual freedom within your own boundaries and close to the boundaries of those who you care about and you’ll be laughing.  :)

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  • 4 weeks later...

Ok i am home and not on my phone, thanks gawd for that  :ph34r: 

 

Like MrRob said this this is a very interesting and for some sensitive topic. 

 

In my eyes sex can come in various forms, it doesn't matter if it is physically or mentally. If something or someone is able to tickle ur fancy and make u want to rub ur screen than yes in my eyes it is sex and it can be rather exciting. I think it depends on the frame of mind u find urself in, online u have the mental turn on and maybe even avatar turn on, but than again if most avatars look the same its more mentally based, and conversation, flirting and what not all.It might even be more easier in world and its far more acceptable to sex where ever u like (if game rules allow it) 

 

As we all know sex is good for a lot of things, from headaches to mood swings or just simply losing an itch. and it more or less goes for online and offline. Mentally is as its kinda more interesting especially when u in a rp with the whole set, as u have descriptions and visualization in ur brain and if someone would read it to u, and u close ur eyes u actually able to feel it , sometimes even more intense than in real. and lets face it, how many of u are able to bend in certain position?  

 

In online sex,even tho u may not have the given animations, but ur brain is telling u so many things u may wouldn't even think of trying in RL, ur brain is mixing in ur fantasies how u may like to have ur sex-life, u braver and u more open to receive and give... whilst RL sometime, u just 'get on with it'.

 

As my granddad used to say " best sex takes 2 1/2 minutes, 1 minute to get ur clothes of , and other minute foreplay and 30 seconds sex " makes me kinda think , that i glad i wasn't born in his peak times....  :huh:  :huh:

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  • 1 month later...

Hmmm some mental stimulation so to speak. Or a bad choice of words given the subject  :P

 

This is something I have been reading into for a long time as i find it utterly fascinating how our perceptions have changed over time. Its interesting to note that Sex was always perceived as physical sexual contact between two people and when you were alone, regardless of what was happening, it was not sex. As the years have moved on, that entire thought process has changed. We live in a digital, connected world where we do not have to be in that same room to enjoy time with somebody be it a stranger or somebody familiar, or your actual love.

 

I totally agree with what Siin said. Sex these days takes on many differing forms and it matters not if its between your legs or between your ears, what matters is that you enjoy it, your partner enjoys it, and most of all, it is fulfilling and meaningful to anyone involved. If people just wanted visual help... pornography has been around since the Romans figured out sewers. I understand that, yes, some people use this visually only to get their rocks off, but to others the avatar is just a visual representation of the mind controlling it, the personality and nature emoting it.There is also the thrill of doing things you would never have thought of doing or have had too many inhibitions to try. For some it is a release, an escape while for others its a thrill and a jaunt, and then for some its just a way to spot the sheets every know and then.

 

Imagination is a key factor. You imagination can show you things the screen can only wish, and words... they are the most powerful thing on the planet. They make all the difference be they RP or actual feeling: Lets elaborate:

 

1) I walk in and see you standing there. I walk up to you. I look deeply into your eyes, and smile before I lean in and kiss you deeply, our lips charged with electricity as they meet.

OR

2) I stroll into the room where I see your body's silhouette outlined by the dipping sun, framed in a halo of light that stops my breathing, forces my heart to skip a beat. I am drawn to you moving yet not feeling the movement. My hands slowly encircle your slim body as I reach you, drawing you to my body, instantly warmer having your skin touching mine. My senses flare up as I smell your fragrance, my nerves charged and I cannot help but lean down and bury my face into you, smelling your hair, your skin. Gently my lips part and plant small constant kisses on your neck moving slowly up to your jawline, kissing around as I slowly turn you. I look into your eyes and again am given pause. Your eyes glinting in the pale light are intoxicating and my lips are not part of my body any longer as they draw me towards you. Our noses lightly brush in the first failed attempt to kiss but it matters not as our lips finally merge, mould, and catch fire as the passion flows between our bodies through a simple kiss.

 

To some its about the visual with words merely a stopgap to roughly indicate what is "going on", i.e. Number 1 and to others... well that comes down to Number 2. Descriptive, entrancing and enchanting. And this just scratches the surface. Every single person is different with differing needs, wants, fantasies, likes, dislikes and figuring this out is half the fun. Some people will want to have a quick go, have fun, get off and be done with it. Others want friendships and relationships after and it is up to you to want to find out, or just ensure people know your reasons for being there if you just want to have fun.

 

In real life we are all more reserved. Ok not ALL but most  :P Anyway, we are far less likely to jump in and do the nasty before we know somebody even a little, unless Captain Tequila is in play  :) Some people in real life will just go for it often and in copious amounts while others wont. Its all about the person and the same applies in any world. We bring a part of us with and it always manifests at some point, you cannot hide it forever. Cant elaborate as I hate going off topic but for me personally I will sum it as such:

 

Any sex be it with a person, or on your own with fantasies or with somebody on the other side of a phone, message or game, with fantasies or visual stimulation, is sex. Its intimate contact, intimate words, and an imagination let loose. It is no longer a taboo as such and I personally have met amazing people, had a lot of fun, a lot of sex and I really look forward to spending more time getting to know people and ...  B)  B)

 

TL:DR - Its sex ladies and gents, embrace it and have fun  :)

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Bran you have an interesting mind. I'm going to be scared to move in game now with all this spinning around in my head:). But seriously, I think there are all kinds of people here and we just have to find the like minded ones that we enjoy being with. Above all we should respect each others wishes. There really is another person there be they what we imagine or not.

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You people spoke so well and I agree with the general consensus here. Cybersex is sex for me. With that said I'm not gonna repeat what have been already wrote here because you guys nailed it :P

 

In my own point of view it goes like this: having sex or being sexual with someone else is the mutual act of sharing intimacy. Doesn't matter if there is physical contact, webcam, voice or just words. The important thing is the state of mind. If you're having a blast, so to speak, then yes, you just got yourself laid (literally or figuratively). :P

 

In my own personal experience, cybersex can be actually better then the real version of it (as in real life). I say this on a sense that you can be having sex with someone with your body present but with your mind in a far far away place. In the other hand you can be thousand of kilometers apart from your partner and both your minds are connected and sharing the same awesome experience.

 

Now, the cheating part is a little more delicate. Defining cheating can be pretty personal so I'm just gonna leave how I feel about this personally. Since cybersex and sex are, in a way, the same thing for me I could never do it online with someone else other then my RL partner. And it works the same way if I have someone online. But that's just me :P

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

 

You people spoke so well and I agree with the general consensus here. Cybersex is sex for me. With that said I'm not gonna repeat what have been already wrote here because you guys nailed it :P
 
In my own point of view it goes like this: having sex or being sexual with someone else is the mutual act of sharing intimacy. Doesn't matter if there is physical contact, webcam, voice or just words. The important thing is the state of mind. If you're having a blast, so to speak, then yes, you just got yourself laid (literally or figuratively). :P
 
In my own personal experience, cybersex can be actually better then the real version of it (as in real life). I say this on a sense that you can be having sex with someone with your body present but with your mind in a far far away place. In the other hand you can be thousand of kilometers apart from your partner and both your minds are connected and sharing the same awesome experience.
 
Now, the cheating part is a little more delicate. Defining cheating can be pretty personal so I'm just gonna leave how I feel about this personally. Since cybersex and sex are, in a way, the same thing for me I could never do it online with someone else other then my RL partner. And it works the same way if I have someone online. But that's just me :P

 

its like we share the same brain :rolleyes: ..... give it back :angry: lol :P

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